Brother Jaan: I think one of the most horribly difficult things in life is self-acceptance. In some ways it is key to it all. The world can be a harsh place, and that�s going to cause some trauma, but I believe most of our trauma is somewhat self-inflicted. And I believe most of this self-inflicted trauma (perhaps much of it family-inflicted at one point but absorbed by our little minds nonetheless) has to do with us being afraid to be us because the us we see as us we just don�t think is good enough. We have to bend, give in, acquiesce, let others have their way, etc., just to survive and get by. But I would make the case that we could do all that surviving and just getting by just being more authentically us. When we run away from who we are then there is absolutely no hope for us. None. Notta. Zip. Zilch. But the nice thing is we don�t have to do that. Each one of us is full of, well, US. It�s our expectations that our out of whack. Sure, sure. If you look around it�s not hard to see what you think is THE ENTIRE REST OF HUMANITY living three-ring-circus lives, lives that are so full and fulfilled that we are just pitiful bums by comparison. But our first mistake was in comparing. Our second was in assuming that those other lives were so wonderful. But certainly there are many people living wonderful lives and we wish them well, but how to get there has nothing whatever to do with aping the Joneses. You gotta be you and if that means being you (or me) in all our phobic, narcissistic, neurotic splendor, then so be it. Start with that. Real is the point. It�s where fear ends and life starts. Let me share a little something I wrote elsewhere:

When doing transformative work it�s very important to keep in mind that one is all right just where one is at the moment, doing just what one is doing (assuming no child abuse, spousal abuse, or other severe activity). But even then, deep down there is that unshakable, unchangeable alrightness to us. That�s the part, particularly in these extreme cases, that needs to be brought out and nurtured�and any Al Anon group will tell you that is just what happens, and that the deep-down good really does exist even in the most extreme cases.

It�s very easy when doing anything involving self-improvement to focus on the decidedly un-improved nature of ourselves. It is easy to end up running away from ourselves toward some perceived "I�m alright now" stage. That is poison. Pure poison. As I said, and as I totally believe, we are okay being who we are, doing what we are doing. Even our dysfunction and weird habits are not necessarily like horrible little crabs crawling all over us, things that make us just wanna go "Get them off me. Get them off me!" Each little fear and phobia is a little Socrates that is at our service. As many of you have said, we don�t have to have a dialog with these little Socrateses. We can leave them alone. If we do there will still be healing, it just usually takes longer. But if you�re someone who would like to speed the process up (like me, who would like to have a serious love affair while I still, err, don�t need Viagra), then I think it�s more than helpful to have a talk with these little Socrateses � and in bunches if one is at that stage. And all the time we�re doing so we need to remember that we�re okay being who we are doing what we�re doing.

It�s about as simple as that, but there�s so much rich detail that can be filled in. It all depends on a person�s willingness and the stage they�re in at the moment.

Let me just share a little observation I just had. If somebody has some sage advice then great. If it helps someone else to uncover some of those personal bug-a-boos, well even the better.

I have more than a few unexpressed emotions. I know that. And I suspect that many of these emotions are anger and rage. But the thought occurs to me, how am I any different from my father if I express these ugly things? And is that me? Is that truly who I am? Is my true nature that of a borderline personality disorder who will (and this is kind of funny), who will scream at the other half of myself which is a codependent? What a cycle. And what a trap. I wonder if a dynamic like that is fairly common or if anyone out there even understands what I�m talking about.

The Steps do have a way to deal with resentments -- #4, 5, 8 and 9. 4 and 5 also help to deal with shame, as do 6 and 7.

In the case of adult children from dysfunctional families, 8 and 9 can be worked "in reverse."
8. Made a list of persons who have harmed me, and became willing to forgive them all.
- this list would include specifics: who, when, where, what happened, how I felt, how I still feel about it.
9. Forgave those who have hurt me everything about everything.
- forgiveness as letting go of resentment for one's own sake, holding nothing against the other.
- confronting others with some aspects of the reflections of #8; even those who've died can be so confronted, perhaps at their grave site, with the list burned.

IOW, forgiveness is the antidote to resentment, and this is a process, not an event. One just keeps letting go of it to be free, or else one does become like the one who did the hurting.

I think everyone has resentment, shame and anxiety, as these are the emotional poisons borne in the psyche for growing up in a world of non-love. I also believe (actually, know!) that these can be healed to the extent that an entirely new identity with no reference to these emotions emerges on its own -- the True Self.

IOW, forgiveness is the antidote to resentment, and this is a process, not an event.

I really like the idea of something be a process and not an event. Sure, I�ve had my moments of tears, but those never felt like breakthroughs. I think they were just signposts along the way of, as you say, a process.

I surely think that forgiveness is a part of the process away from resentment, but forgiveness is such a difficult thing to gauge�at least in my experience. So often this is complicated by the fact that the people are no longer there to forgive or they are SO impenetrable that it would do you more harm to try to forgive them then it�s worth. Therefore, sometimes lacking a warm body to forgive, it is very easy, no matter how sincerely we may try, to say �I forgive you� and yet to still harbor deep, deep resentment and not even know it. That�s why the idea of �process� and not an event very much resonates with me. I, frankly, don�t trust most of those techniques where they take a patient and intentionally try to lead them up to some big-release event, although some of seminars that Scott Peck has commented on (I think?) have convinced me that in the hands of the right people that real breakthroughs can be made in a relatively short period of time. Rush was saying the same thing about his 30 days in intensive detox not too long ago. He says that it would do everyone some good. But that is 30 days and hardly instant, obviously, and that is with the best doctors and techniques that money can buy. Most of us have to make do with other methods. But slow can also mean more secure and sustained, I think. Anyone who�s ever spent, say, $400 bucks on some raw-raw seminar and walked out the door with a quickened step only to have it fade after the next day knows what I mean.

Good points, Brad. And it's true that some the people who've hurt us would continue to do the same if we left ourselves open. That doesn't mean we can't forgive them, however; our forgiveness has nothing to do with their future possible behavior toward us. What is needed to prevent future hurts is healthy boundaries, which resentment actually frustrates by perpetuating a state of emotional enmeshment with regard to the object of one's resentment. As long as we resent, the other has power over us. Realizing this led me years ago to vow that I would be free from giving such power to another -- especially to those I had no respect for. Breaking free from the inner slavery they'd inflicted upon me became something of a rebellion against their tyranny. This is probably the true meaning of spiritual jihad, or even spiritual crusade -- to be free from one's inner oppressors. If we don't do this, however, we end up projecting all that junk onto people in the outside world and going on jihad against them, instead. Coming to that freedom is a process, however, but one that is already won, in a sense, the moment one firmly resolves to be truly free and to do what is necessary to become so.

�our forgiveness has nothing to do with their future possible behavior toward us.

I agree wholeheartedly with that point. Heck, given that I am no expert or anything, even half-heartedly ought to be considered a major accomplishment. If our forgiveness did have anything to do with future possible behavior then our forgiveness would just be another controlling action�another attempt at trying to control the people around us through unhealthy means.

healthy boundaries

Agreed. Not so easy to do though.

As long as we resent, the other has power over us.

Would you throw self-hate into that as well?

This is probably the true meaning of spiritual jihad, or even spiritual crusade -- to be free from one's inner oppressors.

Please, no one sell any strap-on vest bombs to Phil. I want to make sure he�s serious about that just being a spiritual jihad.

As long as we resent, the other has power over us. Realizing this led me years ago to vow that I would be free from giving such power to another -- especially to those I had no respect for. Breaking free from the inner slavery they'd inflicted upon me became something of a rebellion against their tyranny. This is probably the true meaning of spiritual jihad, or even spiritual crusade -- to be free from one's inner oppressors. If we don't do this, however, we end up projecting all that junk onto people in the outside world and going on jihad against them, instead.

Again, I agree. Whole-heartedly. But at this point the explanation you give, while I think it is 100% accurate, is very concentrated and thus it could be sort of hard for some to visualize what you might mean. It sounds rather intimidating to implement, at least to my ear. There�s also a hint of militancy about it that, sure, might be useful in some circumstances but could tend to keep us imprisoned in overreaction. Been there, done that, still doing that. But it is a VERY hard thing to do, to both protect ourselves from others while not resenting them or allowing them to manipulate us. Oh surely, if we can reach that stage where we can forgive this stuff on-the-spot then our defenses are nearly foolproof. But it is a long, long journey to reach that point, if we ever even come close to it. In the meantime we simply have to come up with some workable techniques and I would agree that one of them is too remove ourselves, as best we can, from toxic situations. Others like to stick their gems in the acid bath from time to time to bring those crystals to an unclouded, sparkly shine. But there�s also the danger of simply eating them away. One size don�t fit all, I think. But certainly I think you�re totally right about characterizing this whole thing in terms of "inner oppressors" because we too often end up projecting all that junk onto other people, as you so wisely and expertly (truly) said. And the problem with this is that our eyes are kept from seeing clearly the reality that exists. We continue looking through a lens that is distorted. It is distortion we wish to avoid. Inventing pleasing fantasies and delusions has been our problem in the past. It can be so scary to think that we can strip ourselves of them and still have a safety net. But the safety net of truth and our true selves is a most comfortable one. It, after all, takes a lot of energy to keep up delusions.

I have never thought of my fear in a positive way. I guess for the most part I want is to not feel different or marked. I made some mistakes that cost me my job and may still cost me my marriage though my wife and I are in therapy and communicating. I want to share in the life of others but am afraid of being found out. My fear centers around my addiction and what it has cost me. My sponsor sees his addiction as the way God was able to get his attention. I am admittedly not there yet. You are right sometimes what I call fear is just my own anxiety or apprehension of the moment. What do I want I guess for the most part a small circle of friends that I can be honest with and vulnerable.

I have never thought of my fear in a positive way. I guess for the most part I want is to not feel different or marked. I made some mistakes that cost me my job and may still cost me my marriage though my wife and I are in therapy and communicating. I want to share in the life of others but am afraid of being found out. My fear centers around my addiction and what it has cost me. My sponsor sees his addiction as the way God was able to get his attention. I am admittedly not there yet. You are right sometimes what I call fear is just my own anxiety or apprehension of the moment. What do I want I guess for the most part a small circle of friends that I can be honest with and vulnerable.

I have seen improvement in my life. I spent many years locked into my addiction escaping the negative messages I heard at home in the church I grew up in. Through therapy and some good friends I can say I like myself though the negative tapes play on sometimes. The 12 step group I attend and forums like this books and tapes such as Phil's help also. Admittedly the hardest thing to deal with is the possible loss of my marriage. In my mind this would be a big blow. I can see how I base my self worth on others and am dependent on relationships. I have alot of work ahead thanks for the encouragement.

Brother Jaan, to my ear it sounds like you�re caught in the loop of "What the hell am I going to fall back on for support if I really do change?" What we know now, although quite painful, does at least get us through the day and to the next one. But you do sound very worried about your wife leaving you. Frankly, I haven�t heard too much from you in terms of your wife�s love perhaps leaving you, but let�s consider that for another time. So perhaps the immediacy of fear can also be described as "What the hell am I going to fall back on for support if I don�t change?"

Take it from Brother Brad, I know what it feels like to float in a very, very, very (did I mention "very"?) precarious place. I�m there now. And I won�t speak tritely about such things, but it really does come down to trying to take control yourself (which we must admit, hasn�t worked so well up until now) vs. really trusting that control to the ground of all being�call it "god" if that�s your choice of words. But you must do so. I doubt that a single atom in the universe could function if each electron had to constantly plot its own orbit around the nucleus. It just has to let go to its nature and that nature is a good one. We, of course, can incorrectly learn or be taught early on not to trust our natures or that those natures are bad. But I assure you they are not�at least if we are not the ones trying to maniacally calculate the orbit of those natures around the atom.

Your answer, brother Jaan, is much easier than you think. So what if your wife does leave? Maybe that�s for the best. Do you love her? Can you love her? Is the reverse true? Does she love you? Can she love you? And probably the true answer, although I have so few facts on this end, is that it is difficult for either of you to really love each other because you couldn�t possibly know each other. I mean, if we don�t know ourselves I don�t see how we can really know the other very well. So one positive path leads to another. If we will learn to trust that our needs and instincts our good we will no longer have to be such strangers to ourselves�or to those around us. But it starts with not trying to calculate the orbit of your life at every little juncture and moment. We don�t know best. We can�t know best. What we can learn to know best how do to, though, is cooperate with reality.

I was just struggling with a similar problem on my end and was writing about it in my journal. I�m constantly trying to drive myself nuts when there is stillness. What do I do? Where do I go?
I can drive myself nuts. If I�m feeling fear I immediately want to reach for the fire extinguisher. I want to put it out. But I usually make things worse that way. And frankly, you don�t really want to put that fear out. It�s our only hope. It�s our teacher. But what we need to do is learn how to learn those lessons and I can assure you without a doubt that those lesson are not, and never can be, learned by constantly fiddling with and cycling answers around inside our own head like a gerbil on a hamster wheel. The unpolite answer I would give myself in this situation would be "Just shut up and listen." The polite answer goes something like this: "When you don�t know what to do with yourself then just give yourself to god and cultivate patience."

That�s all you have to do, Brother Jaan. That might indeed lead you back to finishing the twelve steps or it might not. If it doesn�t it is because there is something different or better (at least in your case) for you to do. Trust it. When you see the fear popping up, and it will constantly do so, know that that fear represents some other voice that isn�t your own. (A parent? A spouse? Someone else?) The fear is the result of those voices being in conflict with your own inner voice. That�s not the complete explanation of fear. It pops up for other things and truly we can get confused and disoriented just by the sheer amount of fear, but with all else being equal, it�s usually a pretty good indicator that you�re getting away from your true wants and needs.

And take care to know that our true wants and needs are usually outside of our orbits of control and knowledge. It�s this chasing of what WE think we want and need that is at the core of the problem. I�m not saying that their aren�t strong remnants or indicators of what we really do want and really do need from what we think we want and need right now. And because we are each individual, precious human beings we indeed DO have innate wants and needs. Never fear that you don�t. Never think that these must come from outside yourself and that you�re, once again, always dependent on the whims of other people. But in a sense you are. You�ve just chosen the wrong people to depend on. But we must first acknowledge that our own vision is cloudy in this regard, that our striving for these wants and needs hasn�t worked thus far, and that there is a sure-fire way of getting a better informed idea of our wants and needs and this guidance comes handed to us on a silver platter if we let go and trust.

And be alert for your impatience. Be on the lookout for thinking you must be perfect to be happy or worthy of happiness. Let sirens go off when you catch yourself doing things because you feel that�s how others expect you to act. Laugh at it all if you can. Do try. Do try to have some fun with it because life is not meant to be a constant series of pass/fail struggles. We�re meant to enjoy it. We truly are. And when we are on our path we are able to pass that joy onto others. And so on. "Patience" and "lighten up" are probably two pieces of advice not often heard together, but I believe them to be powerfully true. One could throw in a little "love thyself" but the truth may be that we�re pretty angry with ourselves so there�s no use adding yet another false front. But do go easy on yourself. Do try to see that, particularly with what you�ve been through, that it is sympathy, not scorn, that you are worthy of.

Good wishes to you, Brother Jaan.

Boy, it doesn�t take much to activate the ol� ego and tie your self-worth to what someone else says or even just the acknowledgment by them that you exist. It can be a rush. But if you live by compliments then you�ll die by criticism. But neither do we want to be an unfeeling and unengaged neutral. It�s inevitable that we feel a rush with a compliment and a sting with criticism. But we ought to have as our goal to keep separate the value judgments others are making on us and our ideas (they may do either or both) and know that we are deep-down legitimate and good apart from whatever their judgment may be. Certainly our ideas, attitudes and actions could be revealed as imperfect without that in any way necessarily tainting our core value. And we risk not reinforcing our good attitudes and not questioning our bad ones if neither praise nor criticism gets through or gets through too powerfully. Either will put us off course toward become more authentically us.

One thing I do is no longer worry (much) about bad feelings and fear because I know that they are there to teach me something. Pushing them away is to take away your very means of healing. The better the "pusher" ingredient (drugs/alcohol/sex/shopping/approval-seeking/whatever) the less help these feelings can be.

Of course, we have surely somewhere in our minds already decided that we can never be fixed, that our wounds are wounds of being, wounds of "this is just the way I am". That is why addiction seems like such a rational choice. It�s also a logical choice if, truly, we could never heal, if we always had to live with such yucky feelings. Numbing these feelings would then make sense. After all, if we had some inoperable condition that was causing us pain, we�d be stupid not to take advantage of modern and safe painkillers.

The path to healing isn�t the twelve steps. It�s not even god, per se. It�s believing that you are deep-down good. It�s also knowing, with as much rational faith as you can muster, that we are ok just as we are right now, that our pains are there to teach us. They are not punishment. If we will cooperate and give ourselves to the ground of being, to god, then that graph of our lives, plotted like the Dow Jones average, will cease curving ever-downward below the level, break-even baseline and will ever slowly begin looping up into a positive curve.

There�s one last major thing to consider. Drugs and addictions are all quick-fix methods. You have to learn to get used to the idea that the real fix is a slow one. Cultivate patience in all that you do. Quite literally write the words "Easy. Gentle. Quietly." upon your wrist in black magic marker. Refer to them often�but not so often that you�re being manic about it. See what I mean?

And abandon yourself to forces that really can steer your life in the best possible direction. How have any of us been doing trying to fix things our way? Nuff said. Have a nice weekend. Every day can be an amazing day if we can be patient in those frightening silent moments and know that those moments are not the abyss but are moments that are cleaning and clearing our minds and souls. We surely want to rush away from them, but just imagine yourself as a fairly dirty car going through a car wash. Let the cleaning rollers and hoses do their work. Things really are working, things really are getting cleaned, but our lack of patience and our sheer need to have the pain go away can often defeat us. It will not (at least not every time�patience) if we know there is healing taking place. And there most assuredly is�even if, and this is ironic, you get entirely new jets of ever-loving pain that are going to show you some brand new things to learn.

That sounds harsh, but the pain is not to be feared. It is to be quietly given to god. We simply need to remain receptive to our inner self as it begins to emerge (and one of the most fundamental points of our being here is for our unique person to be expressed, whatever that may be�whatever that may be, which shows you how much confidence I have that people are deep-down good and that when we are doing our life�s work, no matter how much the people around us may squawk or not like it, we�re doing the maximum amount of good). This all becomes kind of like a treasure hunt because bits and pieces will begin to emerge�and sometimes those bits are the authentic us and sometimes they are a piece of father�s voice, mother�s voice, the spouses voice, or whatever. Actually, if you like crossword puzzles and word games like I do, this kind of stuff can actually be fun at times. Why go out and spend $30 on the latest John Grisham novel when the best mystery is right there inside your head. It�s also a beautiful novel, partially written, with more chapters to come.

I am feeling paralyzed and intensely shameful and sad. I am standing by the grace of God. My wife decided the marriage is over and that we are toxic for each other. Deep down I agree but feel a lot of anger fear and deep lonliness. What step this is I do not know but it hurts all the same. I have also been tempted in jumping ship because I do not want to go through the annulment process and may want to date in a year.

Well, I don't know what to say, brother Jaan. It seems nothing I have said up to this point has made a difference nor, in hindsight, could it have made a difference. You are getting exactly what you wanted. Even from this distance I could tell you had little interest in that marriage. Goodness knows your wife has a much better vantage point. And now you want to immerse yourself in shame and sadness�but only for a while because you're already thinking about starting your next relationship�and you want to perhaps do it within the year. There's something about this picture that isn't right to me.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, Jaan, but I hope you see that you are right now at another starting point. It is either the point where you cycle round and do this same thing again in a year where you get into another toxic relationship and feel trapped and helpless again, or it is the time when you finally wave the white flag and admit your life is out of control, that it's time for a full-fledged, no-holds-barred, full-commitment 12 step group. You were made for it and it was made for you. It is an honorable, fulfilling, and mercifully stable and enjoyable life that waits for you in those 12 steps. You deserve those 12 steps�yes YOU DO. Get that in your head now and don't resist it. You are good and you are loved. Yes�get used to that notion because it's true. And you're going to love hearing other people say that and mean it.

brjaan:

What exactly do you mean when you say "jumping ship?"

I have had a couple of days to live with my fears and come to grip with my program. I disagree Brad this is not what I wanted. I spoke primarily from my own pain and shame. Joanne and my sponsor are correct when they suggest I do not know anything about relationships and suggest I attend meetings and phone calls. My writing about dating really stemmed from my lonliness and fear both very toxic at times. Jumping ship meant church hopping which again spoken out of my fear I apologize.
Actually I am reworking my 1st step and at the same time acknowledging my own defects and working on my connection with God. I have learned a lot from all of you.

Keep hanging in there, Br. Jaan. It sounds like you're still slogging through some difficult issues.

Prayers . . .

I disagree Brad this is not what I wanted.

I am very happy to be wrong in this instance, brother Jaan. I apologize for the errant assumption. And I�m going to also assume then that you�re going to work on patching things up with your wife, if things can still be patched up, (or 12-stepping for the sake of a future relationship), because you want that more than your addiction or perhaps bachelorhood. I know only too well that wanting things is easy. It�s easy to fool ourselves about such things. But our actions show us the things we truly want. Or perhaps you really want something else. That would be okay too. Maybe now is a good time to figure it out because, sorry, brother Jaan, I still can� t help thinking that if you really wanted that marriage to Joanne to work out that you wouldn�t have, at least from what I can see, sabotaged it. Perhaps you wanted the relationship but did not want to reveal the intimate things about yourself that a deepening of the relationship would require. Again, I would say now is the time to be honest with yourself and to come to terms with the things that your fears are trying to tell you. And you do not need anyone�s permission to feel the things you feel or think the things you think. You don�t have to justify that to anybody. Just be honest.

Hi Brad
Honestly I do not know what I want and it really is not a situation that needs patching my wife and still love each other but through observation of the last 13 Years of friends and counselors and recently myself come to the conclusion that we are toxic for each other. It has been hard but I know it is the best for both of us.

Honestly I do not know what I want and it really is not a situation that needs patching my wife and still love each other but through observation of the last 13 Years of friends and counselors and recently myself come to the conclusion that we are toxic for each other. It has been hard but I know it is the best for both of us.

Then you may be doing the right thing, brother Jaan. It's very possible (painful and scary as it may be) that both of you are ready to grow and know that you can't do so while within the bounds of each other. In that case you both might be doing the very hard but very mature thing. I'm not a Catholic so my advice on marriage may be a little more lax then theirs. And surely my Theory of Marriage is probably different as well to some extent. Marriage ought to be a way for us to grow as people. But the reality is quite often that we get frozen into our dysfunction. In retrospect, that may be why I have not yet married. I have always been quite dysfunctional and perhaps in the back of my mind I knew that the type of woman I would attract would simply feed this dysfunction and I would be trapped in it even further. This is something that I observe in others around me all the time. This is something that is causing me much present pain, but I wouldn't trade that pain for the world.

But at some point people need to come out into the light just a bit and declare "No more self abuse! No more control games! No more power plays! No more ego trips! No more expecting perfection from myself or others! No more blaming my partner for everything! No more blaming me for everything! Love is enough! We shall have faith in god and in love. They are enough!" I think that if we want one of those kinds of relationships which allows us to deepen our feelings and sense of selves then we have to change the paradigm a bit on what a relationship is and why we're in it. Otherwise things can look a bit gloomy. I had this thought yesterday and it's a thought that bothers me because I think there's much truth in it: Unless you're feeding someone else's dysfunction, the world is a lonely place.

Brother Jaan, even though I've been hard on you at times, believe me when I say that it was out of love. And I apologize if I was too hard or just plain wrong. I pray (I quite literally pray) that this is the best thing for you and that you will take this opportunity to gently set down the mantle of high or grand expectations and just have faith in love. If we want to mesh our dysfunctions with other people we will find no shortage of them out there. But if we wish to relate in a new, healthy way then we're going to have to ask ourselves to put down some of our crap. We don't have to be perfect. We just need to try to orient ourselves to love and not to control, manipulation, fear, shame, security or power. Some of those latter elements will always be there and that's nothing to get too upset about. But lead with love. Indeed, the world could, in fact, be a lonely place for a short time while you do so. But you will know the meaning of true faith if you do. And I hope you will know love.

In a completly unrelated issue, I noticed that the wikipedia article on Carl Jung mentioned that Bill
Wilson's Oxford group sponsor, Ebby Thatcher introduced Bill to Jung's ideas. It was Rowland Hazard, not Ebby. I know it seems like a minor point, but a real encyclopedia would check it's facts. I used to get really bent out of shape at disinformation about the program. For instance, there is no such 12 step slogan, "fake it 'till you make it." Faking it is most of the problem.-Peace

Mystical Mike I disagree sometimes going through the motions and coming to meetings is all a person can do and this is how I interpret the phrase .

bryaan,

Some people are in such a state that they are overwhelmed by the new environment of recovery. I've seen people go for five, ten or fifteen years before they ask a sponsor to help them through the stepwork. It took me seven years to tell ALL my deep dark take-to-the-grave stuff to another human being,
which is a requirement for sanity, IMO.

There is a risk of betrayal to face here. My original sponsor has been divulging secrets from some of the hundreds of fifth steps he has listened to, and some guys are terrified after what they have told him over the last eighteen years.

Alot of addiction counselors have a therapist where they can dump their weekly load of other people's problems, and this is a good idea, IMHO, as
too much time in the confessional can be a superhuman load to carry. Unfortunately, many codependents,
such as myself, believe that they are superhuman.

The official codependent tee-shirt says, "How am I doing?" on the front and "Try harder" on the back.

I wish everyone a good experience of recovery!

Hi Everyone I apologize my entries have been sporadic. I like the website and will read the book about bridging. I find myself at the doorstep of step 1 and what a blessing God has the opportunity to become number 1 and lots of regrets that it took the loss of my idols job family and self respect to get their. Today I move out and will file for divorce in a couple of weeks.

Hi brjaan, so glad you have joined us again. Now that you have moved, and are getting a divorce, do come back often to share with us how you are getting along so that we may offer our support and help to you. Stay strong in our Lord and look after yourself.