I am currently at work now. I thought I was having a stomache ache. It started with butterflys then grew very uncomfortable.

Then I realized it was Kundalini energy manifesting. It is very intense at this moment. There is so much energy in my stomach area that it is almost unbearable.

When I try to ignore it then my stomach starts to hurt real bad. When I focus on it I am overtaken with almost unbearable amounts of love and compassion. I have a feeling of bliss that is engulfing me. Not a good time. Did I mention that I am at work? Good thing the boss took off today. I am here by myself.

The only thing that I can do is lay on the floor and give into the energy. I have never felt it alone in the stomach area before. It is reaally hard to type this......

I knew something was going to happen today. I woke up this morning and felt like a teenager again. I was full of such energy this morning.

Ok panic mode now. It is safe to say the energy is all through my body now. I have got a splitting headache. My crown area is hurting soooo badddd. My vision is really blurry also.

I don't think I can handle anymore.

I was pretty much an atheist until I had my first awakening. I thought that death was the end of existence and I feared death at all times. I also had no idea of what love really was�Death has become a mystery that I wish to understand instead of a fearful enemy of mine.

I don�t know what that all means, but one thing I think I can say is that along with your loss of a fear of death comes a commensurate loss of a fear of life. Eric, you describe your experience as an awakening. Certainly that could be characterized as an expansion of your environment and, due to the religious nature of your awakening, the incorporation of a practical means of living in these new, open places, which is love.

Of course, the fear of death is a highly practical matter as well. If we didn�t fear death (fear danger, fear injury, etc.) it�s very likely we wouldn�t get very deep into life and thus wouldn�t come to know very much about it. Our lives would be cut short, and it certainly seems that we are meant to find out a thing or two from living this life.

But I also think that a healthy fear of death can mean that we are keeping open our hope about this life. It�s an instinctive feel for having major unfinished business. Any life can quickly become consumed by, and filled with, the ol� 9 to 5 grind. Head down, stiff upper lip, we may trudge through day after day. Sure, this can be heroic when there is a family and children to feed, but when one feels that they�ve reached their limits then death can be seen as a welcome release. But if one knows, however unconsciously, that a major piece of living has been left unlived, then a fear of death can be a means to awaken us to more than just the dangers of being run over by a bus.

There is living to do here and it seems we�re meant to do it. I personally am not sure of an afterlife or of a heaven. But I am quite sure that we can bring on a premature death of sorts if we take a short, narrow view of life, if we feel little but the urge to leave our mark in the here and now (needing to "make a difference"), if we are filled with a to-the-bone fear of having our lives extinguished into nothingness. It�s ironic that those who believe in God and eternity can best love and experience life RIGHT NOW by being "here now in love" while those who see only the now will scratch and claw and bloody themselves and miss the present moment as they try to leave their mark on eternity.

I don't think I can handle anymore.

Well, keep writing, Eric. Keep relating what's going on. Try to stay in contact with "the observer" of these events and let the events flow through you. The feelings will pass. Then take some quiet time to let your entire body and mind assimilate any changes or happenings.

Thanks, Brad. I have never had it come on so off-guard like that before. Usually I can fight it off if it is in an uncomfortable place (like work). Today no such luck.

I can function pretty normally now but I feel really drained. I wish I could go to sleep.

Hopefully it's not a brain tumor or something.

Back to the feelings about death.

I think it is perfectly healthy not to fear death. Everyone is going to do it. There is no getting around it. Best to face it head on now. I still think about death alot but there is no fear of it. Because I thought death was the end. Now I know better.

I have started trying to live everyday like it is my last. How beautiful everything seems if you think you will not get to see it tommorrow.

I thought my life was pretty lame. Now I get emotional when I think of all the wonderful things that I have seen. I just wish I had more time to explore more things. The average lifespan is pretty short.

Even the painful memories have a sense of beauty to them. It was better to experience that than to not exist at all and experience nothing.

Hopefully it's not a brain tumor or something.

Well, if I were an official counselor or health care provider, Eric, I would no doubt CYA and tell you to go see a doctor. But one thing I do know is if you do nothing else, make it okay for yourself to feel those feelings. Part of what could be making them so debilitation at times isn�t the feelings themselves as much as your reaction to them. Perhaps you feel a need to drop everything and attend to them. Perhaps you feel a need to explain them or analyze them or even hide them. But you don�t have to do all that. You need only know that you�re having the feelings, that there�s nothing particularly strange or freakish about them, and that you can set aside a more convenient time for incorporating their message, if any, that they have for you.

The Creator's Secret

The Creator gathered all of Creation and said,

"I want to hide something from the humans
until they are ready for it."

The eagle said,
"Give it to me, I will take it to the moon."

The Creator said,
"No. One day they will go there and find it."

The salmon said,
"I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean."

The Creator said,
"No. They will go there too."

The buffalo said,
"I will bury it on the Great Plains."

The Creator said,
"They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there."

Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said,
"Put it inside of them."


And the Creator said,
"It is done."

The Thinker in the Act of Thinking the Thought

One day,
me thought that
I didn't need a past

so me dropped it

Now,
I am -
there-by - I think

where-as before.
when I had a past,
I thought I was ..

when me had a past,
every thought I thought I had
had me ..

now,
I know
when I have a thought
its past me
not I

and
when there is no me
there is no you ..

there is only I

and that is the Self ..
the Unified Field of Consciousness
which we can choose to express
through our individuality

what we think
is our personality
is "me"

Love
can never be found in "me" and "you"
only in I

I think it is perfectly healthy not to fear death. Everyone is going to do it. There is no getting around it. Best to face it head on now. I still think about death alot but there is no fear of it. Because I thought death was the end. Now I know better.

I've never really thought that much about death, at least in terms of a fear of it. I'm only 46 so it's still not statistically an imminent sort of thing to worry about. Regarding dying, I'm fearful, I think, only in terms of the few people who would genuinely be distressed if I were gone. But the more I think about life and come to accept it and understand it better, it doesn't feel as much like the extinguishing of a flame as it does the passing of a torch. I wouldn't call it a feeling of destiny or purpose exactly, but something about a lived life makes sense, perhaps in terms as in a piece of a much larger mosaic.

I have started trying to live everyday like it is my last. How beautiful everything seems if you think you will not get to see it tommorrow.

I agree with that sentiment, Eric, but I must confess that that attitude implies a lot of hard work. Seriously. But I do think it's a great attitude to keep in the back of one's mind. We can miss so much if we sleepwalk through life. But living like a beer commercial and "going for the gusto" in everything one does isn't for everyone, I think. I find myself missing the depth of the present moment experience if I try to pack too much meaning into it, if you know what I mean. So I've been finding better success lately at just being a boring and dull person to some extent (and believe me, that's not much of an effort).

I thought my life was pretty lame. Now I get emotional when I think of all the wonderful things that I have seen. I just wish I had more time to explore more things. The average lifespan is pretty short.

I can't remember which historical documentary I was watching, but it said that only a hundred years ago or so that most people spent 99.99% of their time within just a few miles of their home and that any trip they did make was rarely ever more than 10 miles or so. We should take advantage of modern conveniences such as planes, trains and automobiles if we can in order to travel and expand our horizons. What a wonderful thing that is. But unless we're obsessive-compulsive travelers, even in this modern age, we're still likely to spend 90% of our time relatively near home. Ultimately, I think, we must make friends with this place we call home. As Buckaroo Bonzai said, "Wherever you go. There you are."

I had an epiphany this morning.


The pure nature of God is Love. An overwhelming force to give unlimitedly. Every aspect of creation is God giving of himself freely, sharing his love. The fact that I am here today in this moment is the grandest gift of universal magnitude. For I was created for my sake not the Lords. The Lord requires nothing of me but to accept his love. In the act of accepting his love my love towards God spirals into infinity like a fractal. Yes creation gives Glory to God. Everything gives Glory to God because it is doing what it was designed to do. But creation was not designed for the purpose of glorifying God. Creation was created out of pure love just for the sake of creation itself. Unconditional love requires no reward or justification. The seed of love flowers into love. Unconditional love is loving someone even if they do not love you. Yet, it is impossible to refuse returning unconditional love back to the giver once the magnitude of love is realized. Then you grow to Love the love and love the lover who gave you the love. With unconditional love it is truly better to give than receive. God gives and I receive. How could I ever repay the Creator of all things? What could I give to the One who has everything? I can only give one thing, myself. This is the only thing that I am in charge of at least for now. Out of love, The Heavenly Father gave me the precious gift of life. To do with my life whatever I saw fit. The only possible thing that I could do to show my appreciation and show my love is to give my gift back to the Lord. Thank you for this gift of life Father, I would like to give you a gift. Myself. It is all that I have. So in the act of giving one always receives. Love is a circle that can not be broken. All of creation is a work of selflessness. "Pray for one another that ye may be healed." "Love your neighbor". "Love your enemies". Once one discovers true selflessness then the mystery of creation begins to unravel in the mind.


What wonderful things does God have in store for those who love him.

Looks like you did indeed receive a spark of wisdom there, Eric. Thank you for sharing it with us.

For about a week now I have been in a state of total contentment. I feel at peace with myself and my situation. The fear of death is gone completely and I look at death now with curiosity. Somehow I reached a point where I realized my insignificance in the universe. Once I realized that, I realized just how really significant I was. For as vast and endless as the universe may seem it means nothing if nobody is there to view/witness it. I keep contemplating on this thought. Somehow the universe appears "more" real now than it ever has. There is no more "scary" misunderstanding of who or what I am. I just accept the fact that I am and rest comfortably in the joy of that acceptance. With this state of feeling all things appear enhanced. Food taste better, the sun shines brighter, love becomes more lovely, and every single breath is another miracle of the universe. In my search for ultimate knowledge I have reached the conclusion that if you accept things as they are without question then the answer will rest inside of you. You may not have the knowledge of the universe but you will have the wisdom of it. Having answers to all the questions you have ever asked and not having any questions at all both lead you to the same destination. Total contentment that all things rest in the hands of God.

quote:

Somehow I reached a point where I realized my insignificance in the universe. Once I realized that, I realized just how really significant I was. For as vast and endless as the universe may seem it means nothing if nobody is there to view/witness it.

Bravo. A truly extraordinary comment and experience.

quote:

In my search for ultimate knowledge I have reached the conclusion that if you accept things as they are without question then the answer will rest inside of you. You may not have the knowledge of the universe but you will have the wisdom of it.

Again�extraordinary, Eric. But then you really didn�t come here looking for literary reviews -- and happily my comments are not offered as such. What is extraordinary is that you really do seem to be in the hands of a nice, gentle, reliable peace. May it be so always.

Thank you for the reply, Brad. I just feel so great these days. I have never quite felt like this before. It is like that moment of perfect clarity that you get when you first awake. Only it has lasted for a week now. The only thing I had to do was to surrender the "self". I mean really when you think about it everything is out of our control. How can I fear death? Was it really so bad before I was born? If we die and cease to exist is it really as horrible as we think it is? I believe in an after life. But either way a horrible end it is not. Can I stop death? I can't. Is there anything I can do about it except worry? No. So I accepted it as the natural end in a system of laws established in the universe. As I accepted that I began to feel how wonderful and how in harmony life and death are. I have nothing to fear. Death is just part of a beautiful process in life. I cannot fear what I cannot control. I will not gain one minute to my life by worrying. Something had the intelligence and love to craft me into the image I am today. I was a "thought" in the mind of something or I would not be here. LOL How wonderful it is that God thought enough of me to...well...make... me. If God is that wonderful to even think of me to begin with then I will put all of my faith in him that his process of life and death are a perfectly created system. I can either suffer in anxiety or accept it and move on. How beautiful it is when you take that leap of faith and move on.

Good stuff, Eric! Simple but profound! I relate very much to what you're saying, here, and am also reminded of the teaching in "Abandonment to Divine Providence," by de Caussade. Thanks for sharing again.

I'm paying attention, eric, and enjoying your posts.

Thank You!

great-full and blessed, mm

I just feel so great these days. I have never quite felt like this before. It is like that moment of perfect clarity that you get when you first awake.

That is so nice to hear, Eric. I hope you never tire of telling us your joys. I like your analogy about the clarity that one has when one first awakes. One of the little self-discover things I do is to practice awareness by watching all the little habits and modes of thought that get layered onto my "first awake" clarity from the moment I get up. I can sometimes now even make it all the way to work without snarling at the traffic!

I have been struggling with this verse for some time now. It has so clashed with my perspective of things.

"The living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no more reward, andeven the memory of them is lost. Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished; never again will they have any share in all that happens under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:5-6

The only conclusion that I can draw it that is refers to the spiritually dead. Because when I was spiritually dead I never really thought about death. When I did I would try to ignore it. When I became spiritually alive I realized how important it was to face death. So in fact I knew that I was going to die. I was wondering what anyone feels is the correct interpretation of this verse.

Did not the whole story from Adam and Eve to Salvation with Christ refer to spiritual death?

I guess it doesn't really matter. The fact that I am aware of God scares me when I think of how spiritually dead I was at one time. We all meander through life. Complaining about things, living selfishly, going to church to fullfull duty etc etc. But with the most important thing (God) most of us have neglected.

It seems so foolish of me that we put the most important thing (our eternity)on the back-burner of life so that we can deal with the trivial things that occur daily. I feel like I have been so blind for so many years.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It is great to share this with other people and to hear their feedback. Also I find comfort in hearing the stories of others.

It also amazes me how things I write about will remind others of great works of others such as clerics and poets. For this leads me to believe that if I am comming to similar conclusions, then I am heading into the right direction for spiritual truth.

I tell you I have done nothing more but to silence my mind and listen with my heart. At times I have almost grasped what it is that God's will has in store for me.

You cannot understand how frustrating it was to not have anyone to share this with. This forum is a great thing.


"I can sometimes now even make it all the way to work without snarling at the traffic!"

You are a better man than me, Brad. This is a thing that I struggle with very much. How easy it is to lose the clarity when a very unthoughful person cuts you off. I usually try to take the Bible's advice about being slow to anger. I often feel very guilty when I rage too easily. But then I remember that person who cut me off, will one day die, and that they are just lost in the maddness of our society. Then my anger will turn to compassion for them.

I often feel very guilty when I rage too easily. But then I remember that person who cut me off, will one day die, and that they are just lost in the maddness of our society. Then my anger will turn to compassion for them.

I think that�s good advice, Eric. I also try to personalize and un-objectify the other person. I try to imagine that, say, their son or daughter is sick and they are worried about them. There are a hundred tricks like this one can use, but the bottom line is that it is really our cynicism that we must deal with and not necessarily our anger. Either one believes that 99.9% of people are good and would act so if more of their basic needs were being met, if they were not so stressed, and if their expectation (like all of ours are) were no so out of whack with reality.

Anger is such an interesting emotion. True, it can easily turn sadistic and brutal. And when it does it is of absolutely no use to anyone. But it can be a healthy reminder that we have unresolved conflicts. It can be a means of hope because as long as we�re merely simmering and do no break out into a full, scalding boil, our anger will not let us settle into a hopeless stew. A little burning agitation is sometimes required for needed change to come.

I had a good four years or so of feeling different.
That's still ego and Three Dog Night wasn't kidding
when they said that "One is the Loneliest Number."

"First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is." -Donovan

You are experinecing ye olde, "there is no mountain" phase. Hang in there because the unitive experiences awaiting you are well worth the present struggle. I promise!

Before enlightenment you chop wood and carry water, but what do you do afterward? Or during the dark knight...

woodchopper.com

"Before enlightenment you chop wood and carry water, but what do you do afterward? Or during the dark knight..."

Afterward you enjoy the warm fire for which you carried the wood and quench your thirst for which you carried your water :-)


Brad, what you say about anger is so true. The bible doesn't say "don't get angry" it says "be slow to anger". In another place it says "be angry & sin not". In another place it says to "put off" anger. It's something we obviously need to be aware of as far as not letting it rule our emotions.

But having anger and dealing with it in an appropriate way is obviously healthy. There is always something inside of us that wants to get even. That is the part that we need to work on. We should focus on forgiveness and not vengeance.

The bible doesn't say "don't get angry" it says "be slow to anger".

I didn't know that. That's an interesting distinction.

That is the part that we need to work on. We should focus on forgiveness and not vengeance.

Of course you're right, Eric. But I like to write rules for people like me who are irascible and none too motivated by the hope of ever becoming perfect. If we followed the rules in the Bible we would all be saints by now. But as George Bush might say, "That's hard work." I'm all for forgiveness, but that's a long, long stretch of road between anger and forgiveness. There are many worthwhile stops in between. Why rush? Screwing up something major at work and not throwing a screwdriver and sticking it into the wall is one of the stops on that long journey. It's worth resting here a moment before moving on. Not yelling at my TV set because some [expletive deleted] Democrat talks about raising taxes in the face of a budget shortfall is a particularly scenic stop on the road to forgiveness. I must confess that this is not a place I visit frequently, but I am planning on dropping in more often.

I shall make it someday to that shining city on the hill called Forgiveness but I have yet to accumulate enough frequent ire miles to skip the scenic rout. Yes, I understand that nearby is Christ International, but in truth I'm a bit afraid of flying (at least figuratively speaking), and that's assuming that I'd even make it through the mettle detector. So, like John Madden, it's the bus for me, bumps and all. If you're following too closely and you see someone giving you the one-fingered salute out on that lonely, dusty road it will probably be me. But that's head and tails above shooting out your tires. Just another small advance on that road from anger to forgiveness.

I woke up a little early this morning about 5 am. I went to sit outside and get some fresh morning air. It was a little cold out. Just enough to stir all of my external senses.

I noticed an amazing thing as I turned my thoughts off. It sounded like thousands of birds were awake. They were singing such a beautiful song. The sun was a few hours away from its daily march across the sky. I wondered what they could be doing up so early as well.

The darkness was clear with an unusual "briskness" and the sky was painted with millions of stars. That moment was perfect. I "realized" that this was the beauty that God had intended for mankind.

I felt like I was an art critic, critiquing God's artistic handiwork. I thought to myself, was it good? "Well, it is quite perfect, I thought."

"How can I critique a piece of art when I myself am just a character in the painting?"

Then it really hit me. It hit me hard. God is the most talented artist in the universe. The whole entire universe is God expressing himself in all ways imaginable.

I came to a profound understanding that is found in the first pages of Genesis. God had looked at his creation and said, "It is good".

Who am I to argue with perfection?