brjaan, do you have a sponsor you can bounce things off of? Might help with your presentation anxiety. Also, after years of doing public speaking, I'm still nervous at times before giving a talk, especially when self-disclosure is called for. Just ask the Spirit to help you and I'm sure you'll do fine.

Hi Everyone
Had some new revelations of powerlessness. I had some really dangerous situations were I came closing to falling down but did scratch my knees so to speak. I am afraid about giving my 1st step to the group because it means symbolically that I am surrendering to God and admitting publically that I have been and continue to be powerless over my addiction.
I guess the big revelation has been God's grace and love even when I wanted to let go and run away into my drug of choice he has been faithful when I asked for help.

Hi Phil
I do have a sponsor who has been very good for me. He is a been a great encouragement for me especially when I feel the toxic shame hit. The only thing that has kept me sober so to speak is to make daily calls to my sponsor and close friends.

Hi Everyone
The last three weeks have been a time of discovery of my powerlessness leading to the second step turning my life over to a higher power (God). In the 12 step program I am involved in we write out our first step and then present it to the group. Mine is finally done. It is a blessing to realize that in all areas of my life I can let go and give them to God. It is also sobering to realize it was my own thinking that led me into ever trouble with my addiction.

quote:

It is also sobering to realize it was my own thinking that led me into ever trouble with my addiction.[/QB]

Well, that's true for all of us, and not just about addictions. Stinking thinking is behind most of our problems, and most of us had this modeled to us from an early age.

The rest of the steps deal with these attitudes from different angles. It's hard work, as you're discovering, but it is effective in making changes.

The Welcoming Prayer

Father Thomas Keating speaks rather highly of a practice called The Welcoming Prayer. Physical pain, guilt and shame, grief and all of the seven deadlies in their emotional components can be seen
as an aid to growth. Why run way? They catch up anyway sooner or later. I would rather face them in prayer when I have Spirit present than at a moment not of my choosing when I may be weaker. I am learning that my feelings won't kill me and this is hopefully bringing some maturity.

michael <*))))><

I gave my first step presentation what a blessing not only was it in a way cleansing to admit I am powerless over these things but have been since my childhood it was also a blessing to see my story connect with the others in the group.
My sponsor is encouraging me to put some time into my second step: Came to beleive that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity
He said that a lot of people in 12 step programs do step 1 and jump over 2 and three and go straight step 4 making amends. I dont want to do that I need God desperately if I am to walk into recovery.

What I am seeing more and more this year is my complete inability to work the steps under my own power. I am sponsoring someone and I know God is doing it, because I have no agenda for this man, other than to show another poor blind leper where the food is.
I have been sick for three months from some bad teeth and 11 years of chronic fatigue syndrome.
I have begged the Lord to take me home.
Perhaps the worst pain is in my ego. Eastern religious study almost took away my Jesus, and I went through the worst doubting in over 20 years. My fundamentaliist Jesus is dead, and the ressurection is coming. "Christ Consciousness" is
a bit too New Agey for me, but from now on I will
seek him more within my own heart, in other words
where I have seldom really looked

Peace and Blessing to you all

michael <*))))><

Hi everyone
This week has been particularly tough for me finding myself in some of my old haunts and dealing with some fantasy and fear issues. I have been reading Romains book Pathways to Serenity which admittedly as been slow going but i am in Chapter 9 thinking about the principle of renunciation and being open to Benevolence or right actions. I also have been reminded about the extant of my powerlessness.
I did some good crying this weekend to grieve the self destruction in my life my addiction as caused and was able to share a little with my wife whom has been wonderful though at times may leave.
Renunciation for me as always been an exercise in futility until I surrendered to God and was able to place that situation in his hands. Coupled with Benevolence are replacing the desires with the good is a wonderful idea something I need to do more of. I usually end up praying over and over or falling on my face. Anyway I have been in daily contact with my sponsor and continue going to meetings.
My sponsor and I talked about doing an official second and 3rd step something that my sponsor said is neglected in a lot of SA groups but I have no idea how to do this publically (in SA their is no set guidelines) I was wondering if anyone had an idea for a denominationaless way to approach this unfortunately I speak churchese fluently both Evangelical and Catholic.

That's good sharing!

It's a tricking thing indeed, this non-judgmental business. But it's surely true that our feelings are not good or bad; they are information given us to assist in our growth. This includes even (maybe especially) the ones that make us feel lousy.

I think it's OK to say "I feel lousy," and to nontheless accept one in that context. Judging a feeling only sets up a tension within that exacerbates the negativity.

Unconditional acceptance of oneself just as one is is really the most authentic response to the unconditional love of God, who accepts us just as we are.

Hi Everyone
I have been thinking about the practice of renunciation and the exercise of benevolence. I did the exercise in chapter 9 and started with my worst vice my sexual addiction and went through the questions and then prayed the prayer about God's will being my only source of happiness. I am continueing the exercise a couple of times a day to remind myself of the gulf that I created between God, my wife and family and all the people that are important in my life.

Brjaan,

I share your struggles. I have been involved in twelve step recovery for about 9 years now and have attended some S-groups for the last year and a half. As far a behavior and bottom lines, I seem to be something of a high bottom addict.As far as emotional pain, I am quite low bottom.
I have Patrick Carnes' Facing the Shadow workbook and have read some of his other works. I deal with the anorexia to a large extent. I was twelve- stepped on the anorexia issue about 7 years ago.
Eric Erickson wrote about stages of human life and the intimacy vs isolation stage seems to
be where alot of people get hung up. I pray for a successful process and resolution for both of us.

michael <*))))><

Working my second step Ihave come to the conclusion that I am totally powerless. So do I do a good 2nd step. I guess that is the point I cannot do any step it is God and is grace that keep me going. For my 2nd step I am going to write a gratitude list of all the blessings I have received since I began my journey into recovery.
Last nite my sobriety was challenged and I crossed some boundaries. I had a good conversation with my sponsor which led me to see how I have placed myself in control of my program and definitely not trusting God. I can see how much fear and anxiety control me. I have also been afraid of illness because of my past behavior. This was ruled out but before than I was living in abandonment fantasies afraid of being an outcast. This always sets me up to act out. I am glad had the opportunity to connect with God and a program person today because I cannot stay sober without God.

I am beginning to think of you from time to time and include you in my prayers. Perhaps you will
do the same for me.We are not alone.
My sponsor had me rewrite my inventory three times concerning this last relationship. I wrote a future sex ideal based on what I didn't want and imagining the opposite. Then he asked me if I could live up to my own ideal of what I would look for in another person. I admitted I could not. I am yet too
immature for a relationship. This is hard to admit at 42, but there it is.
I will continue to ask for knowledge of God's will, sanity and strength to do the right thing.
good fortune and sobriety.

michael <*))))><

That's good sharing, guys. I'm glad you feel free to do that here.

To me, the 2nd Step is about hope. This "coming to believe in a Power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity" means that there is a One that I can count on to help me avoid the slide and move forward. To me, this Power is God, but includes God working through community, friends, family--all those encouraging sources of support and assistance. The fruit of this Step is hope--that there is a better future that I can live into. Without this kind of hope, I don't see how we can move along in recovery.

Scott Peck wrote a book called People of the Lie in which he moved Toward a Psychology of Human Evil. The "lie" people believe, according to Peck, is that "change is not possible." When I am stuck in that kind of "stinking thinking", I can wallow in depression for days and weeks.
Although I have learned a great deal from watching others in recovery, and have read, it seems, everything important (and unimportant) in the recovery genre, I find that self knowledge in itself is not recovery. I must accept what I find emotionally, however unflattering, and carry it on
into action. God can assist me, but I must do the footwork myself.
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it." -Bill Wilson
mm <*))))><

Hi everyone

I had a tough day yesterday and difficulties posting today. Some of the replies talked about the need to accept or emotions or feelings this something I am learning to do. I struggle at times with dark feelings or thoughts about acting out and then feel guilt and shame about it. For me this is a viscous circle when it starts and the times that I have known victory over my addiction have been times Ihave been able to accept what I want to do and then to give it away to God and someone in the program by sharing the temptation or anxiety.

I have been really struggling this week. My sponsor has suggested maybe it is the fact that I am holding on to things and control of areas of my life. Working the 2nd and 3rd step I have begun to see areas of my life where control is everything and when something does not go as planned I act out to releive the anxiety. Control such a delusion but something I cling on to for dear life.
To combat this I have begun a new practice which was suggested by my sponsor. Every morning before I do anything else I slip to my knees and let God know I cannot do this and need his help and strength to restore me to sanity. This is the only way I will ever know surrender and sanity.

That's a very good practice you're taking up. Offering ourselves to God first thing in the day sets the tone for the whole day. I believe those first minutes are a time of special openness and vulneratility, which enables an easier and deeper surrender.

It's OK to jump ahead to Step 11, which is really very much like #3. There are lots of good daily meditation guides with a recovery emphasis. Let us know if you need some recommendations, but I'm sure your sponsor will be able to point you to something.

My addiction was in check when I talked to an old girlfreind tonight. We had a spiritual conversation and I was surrendered more than the last 20 times I ran into her. God did this, but I'm not sure how. It is done for me that which I cannot do by my own power.
Yes, there were uncomfortable moments, which
were no doubt communicated subtly. She had them too,
but the Presence was quite strong and the conversation was affirming and caring. This is huge progress and I am giving thanks.
peace mm <*))))><

Hi Everyone
I am slightly frustrated been having a lot of problems with the internet tonight especially using these boards. Anyway I read your replies and enjoyed them thanks especially for the words of encouragement. Yes Phil I would love some suggestions for devotional material. I need to go back and read the eleventh step to see the similarity between the steps.
I am tonight experiencing my powerlessness with the internet, and at the step meeting I went to tonight and have to admit without being powerless I would not have formed a healthy view of and dependence on God. This week I was reminded how fragile my sobriety is and how easy my anxiety and fear can upset my equilibrium.

brjaan, that sense of powerlessness you're in touch with is much akin to the "poverty of spirit" Jesus refers to in the Beatitudes (Mt. 5). He says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Now you might say that this doesn't make sense, but what he's referring to is the manner in which that sense of powerlessness and brokenness can lead us to an acute recognition of our need for God, who is our true happiness. Most likely, some people would never find God if they didn't have an addiction or some other problem driving them to their knees.

As for devotional resources, why not sign up for Daily Spiritual Seed; see the web site home page for the link. Also, there are good addiction-recovery "one day at a time" meditation guides in any sizeable bookstore. Check it out next time you're in one.

Something you said reminded me of what my spiritual director said. He said to dwell on the idea of God's will for me and not to just stop at the notion of powerlessness but embrace my God hunger. I am admittedly having difficulty embracing or understanding this concept. I am beginning to feel and embrace my own anxiety and fears. But this week I spent a lot of time and energy running from any type of connection. Today also I spent to much time consuming, on the internet, and not enough time praying or dwelling on God.
Another thing I have noticed this week is the self abuse in the form of lack of sleep, bad eating habits etc also can leave me in a place of disconnection and hyperness. So I am revaluating these issues in my life. I guess these are ways to connect with myself and God in a deeper more fuller way.

I have not posted here in a while. I have been isolating lately and had plenty of reminders of me need to connect to others and my higher power. Maybe that is the point of the reminders or temptations to act out is to make me realize the power of step 1 to 3 which is the fact I need to be on my knees actively searching for God and then letting go. Trusting God that has been the one element missing from my faith. I need to take that extra step and not only listen but trust God.

brjaan, you sound like you're in a 2nd - 3rd step "place." I think when those isolating tendencies come around, it's especially important to just keep working the program--going to meetings, doing the daily meditations, visiting with your sponsor, staying abstinent.

In the early stages of recovery, addiction exerts a strong pull to return to the "old ways." The best antidote is to just keep working the program whether one feels it or not. This is a special and very holy time--a precious opportunity to change the direction of your life. Just keep going. It does get better.