I am averse to getting into details regard this (because I'm a bit embarrassed about it), but it's extraordinary how life is still a "weakest link" affair for me for the most part. I can be brought to my knees, I can have the feeling of having my legs being knocked out from under me by seemingly the simplest thing, such as being unable to do something (such as fix my car); a deficiency that I somehow perceive as so important that all the blocks built, all the foundation stones laid, all the links in the chain welded before the present moment seem not to matter. They seem to fade away, and the support that I thought was there suddenly seems insubstantial. The feeling is not unlike being kicked in the gut.

This is a real hurdle for me, and I wonder how many others have similar hurdles? I wonder how many others can so instantly be made to feel so weak and stupid that it quite literally turns reality from a playfield into more of a ticking time bomb. Or maybe this is something quite singular (I have always suspected) that it could be difficult for others to relate to. Or maybe I've just always been too afraid and ashamed to risk describing this very well. Or maybe we all have something like this, even if it's not exactly (or even close to) what I described. I'm "weak-link" oriented. Maybe others fear the straw that breaks the camel's back. Maybe others (like me, for most of my life, including now) haven't ever been able to put that fear into words and so the fear becomes omnipresent and seemingly without hope of cure or resolution.

I'm going to try to take a positive lesson out of this. It's a way to make me humble. Very humble. In other people (maybe most people) such failings might make them rise to the challenge and conquer the problem at hand. Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds like what happens and what should happen when everything is functioning normally. But not everything and everybody is functioning normally, at least not all of the time. And we (at least I) can be brought to my knees by the smallest things. And when that happens life, instead of a playfield, becomes more like a minefield and that is why I have usually been in a state of constant fear, if only a low-level fear. I hope sharing this is helpful to somebody because I'm finding it quite embarrassing and a bit painful to talk about. This kind of stuff decidedly does not make one feel like a man. It makes one feel like a eunuch. But I think it contains important and powerful "Love Habit" transformation energy and information.

It occurred to me to think about why we do loving things. What is the reward? How do we approach it, either consciously or unconsciously, from a cost/benefit standpoint? Do we think "Ahh�this gives me pleasure to love. I think I'll do more of that." And yet this doesn't seem likely to me because there are quicker ways and surer ways to pleasure. Many of them are actually legal, even moral!

And yet even beyond pleasure (and seemingly no matter how much of it we receive), there is this deeper longing for something more. I think the first inklings rise as a sense of a need for purpose or meaning. And I think the eventual destination for, and reason for, these inklings is the cultivation of love. But for whatever reason we're attracted to love, is this attraction a mere itch that wants to be scratched and that we enjoy scratching? Is that how we relate to love? It's is the mere playing out of some dynamic such as action/reaction, pleasure-attraction/pain-avoidance, or cost/benefit? That is to say, am I merely attracted to love because it makes me feel good?

I think that is so, partially, and maybe there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Wouldn't you expect good behavior to be rewarded and good things to have good attributes attached to them and surrounding them? I would. And yet, really, love can't compete pleasure-wise with pleasure itself. I can get more and surer pleasure from, say, drugs (no, I don't do drugs, [disclaimer: caffeine] but I understand the concept). Same thing with sex. Or even food.

But a potentially larger consideration is that love isn't always particularly pleasurable. In fact, it's quite often filled with immense pain, sorrow, and heartbreak. So why doesn't love die out quickly like any other trait in this evolutionary world which quickly weeds out that which is weak, unnecessary, or redundant? Why doesn't it lose the race to mere pleasure itself? Why should the sense of love not only linger, but place itself at the top of the hierarchy, above mere pleasure and even above mere happiness?

Beats the hell out of me. I guess that would require some ontological entity such as God. And surely it may be why our pursuit for meaning and purpose is never satisfied by the pursuit of just pleasure, accomplishment, fame, fortune or power. But, conversely, love will bring meaning and joy to all of these activities. It will bring more pleasure to them as well. I guess it's top-dog.

This next one is difficult to write. It's more revealing then I'm completely comfortable with. But something tells me to do so, even if it's painful to do so. It basically consists of transcribing a journal entry I made a short time ago.

---

Oh, God, I feel so far from your creation when I'm doing nothing. I feel so apart from life and meaning and joy. My heart wishes to dance and jump and sing but there seems to be some barrier, some malformity, some wound that is obstructing this. God, I so have it in my head that the only things that are real and the only things that count are the actions, the verbs, the accomplishments, the chances, the risks, the rewards. I feel so totally alienated from this loop and so unable to participate in it�and thus to have any true meaning in life.

All my writing, all my words, feels like nothing but mental masturbation. It feels like a retreat, a "next best thing". But it doesn't feel like the main show.

At the end of the day it still feels like I have this huge 800 lb. gorilla on my shoulders, as if nothing has changed for me and nothing ever will. I feel insubstantial. Like a phantom. A ghost. I feel as if people would walk through me were I to meet them on the street.

I'm dissatisfied. Bitter. And angry. I feel that all I'm doing now, and that all I've ever done, has been just to break out of a place that has always felt like a prison.

I'm starting to see no end to the things I could write and thus this writing seems to be of no purpose. It doesn't seem to be drawing me anywhere. I'm still uncomfortable and fearful about entering the world. The world does not yet seem my home. These wounds do not yet feel like they can be healed. This dehabilitating fear does not yet feel like it will ever dissipate. I feel that there's so much of that stuff that my words can keep bouncing off of it, and expressing it, forever without changing it. Is change really possible?

As that pivotal and poignant line from the movie "Field of Dreams" says: What's in it for me?

What's in it for me? How may I be built up? How may I slather on more world make-up so that I may look normal? How may I find a way to catch up with the rest?

I must drive God nuts with all my thinking. And then a tear came to my eye. (But not much more than that � they're nearly all dried up.) Then I thought, "Could God be pleased with me?" "Could he enjoy me?"

Everything I've ever done since I can remember has been done from the premise of "I'm not good enough." Yeah, God might notice me and help me -- even love me -- just as we would some down-on-his-luck bum on the street corner. But to like me? Inconceivable. God would, by definition, be the most discerning of fellows (or ladies). That would exclude "liking," "enjoying," or "wanting to be with". And it would certainly include "tolerating". But never "liking".

And I guess we tend to see in the outer world that which is inside us. I don't like myself. All this work, all this thinking, all this writing is about crossing that threshold of "likeability" and "deserve-ability". That's what it's always been about.

Could God actually like me? That is inconceivable to me.

And the Hoover Dam breaks.

Men are willing to risk death delving into deep, dark caverns. They'll ride a rocketship to the moon. They'll wrestle alligators or face each other in mortal combat. But they will, in all likelihood, keep drinking themselves to death because they can't face an emotional trauma or some old, unpleasant memory. They will even torture and main other people before facing the seemingly simplest of truths. (Women do this too, of course.)

I will not go to war. I will not kill someone. I will not injure another man for sport (football, hockey, etc�golf seems pretty safe. ) But I will be God dammed (please spare the lightning bolts, just this once) if I will be a sissy boy and be afraid of a few neuronal connections in my head. So there!

By the way, I am a sissy boy. I don't like going to dentists and doctors. LOL.

Dear MM, Brad and anyone else reading these posts,

MM: When I fist saw the "I heart my penis" stuff here in Austin I nearly peed in my pants from laughter, hilarious ! That guy or gal is could get very rich on that slogan.

One of my inner soul character, Sister Cosmic Radical Rose and a few of hetr friends and I, are so tempted to put that bumper sticker on certain politicians cars. I gave a couple of guy friends books of matches with that slogan, and they got miles of laughter out of it.

Thanks so much for the writing tips, tricks and compliments Brad I had a hunch about your "Trade Secret" of taking the position of the other side, on some level of my being. And I am very aware you are on various levels doing it now.

I do so need this kind of support though Brad, for my own writing skills and self confidence. I got lots of criticism about my self expression urge as a child. But Goddess keeps sending me Muses disguised as nemisis;s who always seem to show up just when I need them most..So yOu and your being are very much appreciated by me Brad, despite our differences.

But just in case you are falling under the dangerous influence of cyber-space projections (it's so easy to do, isn't it?) you should know that I doubt I will ever increase my reading time by very much. I've always thought I'd be reading more in my senior years when I may not be able move about as well. But truth is, I hope to be dancing still when I'm 85 years or older...By then, I should have at least of learned how to keep up with my reading glasss.

Another one of my Most FAVORITE, most FUNest writers, whose for to famous and busy to correspond with me, you and others here will most likely either love or hate, or simply think I'm a nutcase and a flake.(given the more common sentiments expresed about liberals and politics) In fact, you very likely might dismiss his colorful contribution to the universe based on his profession alone. But this man is THE modern day MASTER of Mythic Metaphor, imo. He dances and weaves his words of wonderfully weird inspirations filled with positive news into tantilizing tangos with prayerful passion.

And I think he might be great medicine for you right now Brad, a sort of cosmic polar oppossite twin. He is how I keep my pulse on the cosmic rhythms of the universe.

If you or anyone else enjoy his pray for you below, or his pronoia therapy, then I will be happy to tell you how to get regular inspiration from him.

Peace, love and joy and always in the dance, Virya

***********************
PRAYER FOR YOU

I'm happy to announce that this is a perfect moment. It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because I have been inspired to say a gigantic prayer for all of you. I've been roused to unleash a divinely greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of you -- even those of you who don't believe in the power of prayer.
And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ... the God beyond all Gods ... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.

Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change:

I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction.

I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want -- not just the boons they think they need but everything they've always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:

Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their own personalities.

Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine.

Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing:

I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there.

Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.

And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal virus with no *ucking opinion:

I pray that you will help all the personal growth addicts out there become disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.

I pray that you will teach them the difference between oppressive self-control and liberating self-control, awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right thing.

Arouse the Wild Woman within them -- even if they're men.

And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, You pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:

I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks.

Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else.

Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains:

The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are yearning for and much, much more.

So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and solar-energy-operated sex toys that work even in the dark and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies:

I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love.

Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring, dramatic, divine desires.

And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they've needed to change in order to express their soul's code.

Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-*ucking-lujah

Pronoia Therapy

The primary meaning of the word healing is "to cure what's diseased or broken." Medical practitioners focus on sick people. Psychotherapists wrestle with their clients' traumas and neuroses. Philanthropists donate their money, and social workers contribute their time to helping the underprivileged. I am in awe of them all. The level of one's spiritual enlightenment, I believe, is more accurately measured by helping people in need than by meditation skills or mastery of religious doctrine.
But I also believe in a second kind of healing which is largely unrecognized: to supercharge what is already healthy; to lift up what's merely sufficient to a state of sublime blessing. I'm driven with ambition to promote this work, even as I aspire to do my share of fixing what's hurt.

What would the world look like if there were doctors who specialized in fostering robust health in their patients? What if the textbooks that psychotherapists used to evaluate their clients were crammed not just with descriptions of pathological states, but also with a catalogue of every variety of bliss, integrity, magnanimity, eros, and wisdom? Imagine how odd and wonderful it would be if universities began turning out professionals in a brand new field, the science of happiness.

I must confess that early in my career, I was proud of my well-crafted cynicism. Like most novelists, poets, journalists, filmmakers, and critics, I subscribed to the dogma that evil is interesting and good is boring. You can imagine my dismay, then, when my muses began to nudge me in the direction of sly optimism. "It will ruin my image!" I complained to them from the depth of my worried meditations. "I refuse to write shiny happy propaganda! I will not turn into a dopey Pollyanna bereft of all critical thinking skills!"

But they were immune to my protests. Slowly and inexorably, the muses reconfigured my coyote angel rebel clown persona to serve a new master: PRONOIA. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is defined as the sneaking suspicion that the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings. (Terence McKenna had a slightly different angle on it: "I believe reality is a marvelous joke staged for my edification and amusement, and everybody is working very hard to make me happy.")

To their credit, my muses managed to pull off this alchemical abracadabra without annihilating my native skepticism. If anything, it has become more robust, anchored as it is now in the thrilling quest for good news.

But the transformation was neither rapid nor smooth. So strenuously did I resist and so deep were my imprints, that it has taken me until now to begin writing the ultimate self- help book on pronoiac living. It's titled, "EXTREME PRONOIA: 888 Steps to Becoming an Aggressively Sensitive, Wildly Disciplined, Lyrically Logical, Ironically Sincere, Insanely Poised, Lustfully Compassionate Master of Rowdy Bliss." Here is how it begins.

Beauty and truth fans, you don't have to struggle and slave for 15 years, as I did, to throw off your addiction to pop- nihilism. You can launch the first phase of the cold turkey cure right now. Simply carry out the following 13-step crash course in pronoiac reprogramming. Report on your adventures and results here

Peace, love and joy, Pauline

I do so need this kind of support though Brad, for my own writing skills and self confidence. I got lots of criticism about my self expression urge as a child.

This is one subject with which I will always be glad to help, Pauline. And thanks for teaching me as well. Reading other writers is a great way to get ideas and to sort of stretch one's repertoire. See this thread for some good resources regarding writing, particularly regarding James Kilpatrick's column "The Writer's Art", although I think a lot of those links don't work � but they can get you to his columns or you can Google for them. It's great, great stuff. Kilpatrick is good at pointing out the basic principles of good writing. One of those principles is brevity. In a perfect world (and particularly in a perfect sentence) you don't use one more word than is necessary. You'd be surprised, for instance, how words like "very" tend to add little to the spice and pop (and dance!) of sentences. The pie was delicious. The pie was very delicious. The second sentence actually deemphasizes the deliciousness of the pie just a bit. It's a word not needed. We tend to think words like "very" are needed only because, like habitually sprinkling too much salt onto one's food, with a "very" sprinkled in nearly every other sentence, if we leave it out we perceive the sentence to be blander. But if you go easy on the salt in the first place then words like "deliciousness" are tasted to their full again.

And Kilpatrick has lots of fun showcasing good similes and such. You, to me, sound like a natural.

thanks..great tips...brad

�who always seem to show up just when I need them most

I have the same feeling about you. I think one of my truly funny traits is that I will often see things that aren't there. I'll just interpret reality in a way that fits in with what I want or with my preconceived notions. But I equally have fun with being able to notice patterns in things that raise mere coincidence into another probable realm. Meeting you left me no doubt of that again. Meeting Phil and Johnboy was also the same sort of deal. (As was meeting brother thalo�but that's another story in a galaxy far, far away, as they say.)

�despite our differences.

The God's truth is that I don't wish to talk you out of your positions. If you ever want to explore some issue in depth, fine. But I'm not particularly interested in changing your mind.

But just in case you are falling under the dangerous influence of cyber-space projections (it's so easy to do, isn't it?) you should know that I doubt I will ever increase my reading time by very much.

I think I burned the bulb out on my projector some time back. Or at least I've lowered the wattage just a bit. "Ask and ye shall receive" right? That's something I'm trying to learn. Instead of prompting, cajoling or guessing, just state what's on your mind, ask for what you want, and be able to handle an up/down yes/no answer. Well, that's how it's supposed to go in theory. But I simply restate it here to try to give this idea a little more traction in my life.

And I doubt I will ever increase my dancing time.

you and others here will most likely either love or hate, or simply think I'm a nutcase and a flake.(given the more common sentiments expresed about liberals and politics)

Seriously, I suspect, Pauline, that, like a lot of liberals, the entire political language that your philosophy is based upon is riddled with misconceptions about the right, Republicans, and conservatives. If I were to take as true what I think, offhand, are your likely premises regarding conservatism, I would also have no choice as an honest, compassionate (hopefully), wise (hopefully) and thoughtful (you know the routine) person but to agree with you. So it would take a lot of time to fully flesh out conservative views�and that's even assuming you would want your mind changed. I have a feeling you wouldn't. So I won't.

quote:

I must confess that early in my career, I was proud of my well-crafted cynicism. Like most novelists, poets, journalists, filmmakers, and critics, I subscribed to the dogma that evil is interesting and good is boring. You can imagine my dismay, then, when my muses began to nudge me in the direction of sly optimism. "It will ruin my image!" I complained to them from the depth of my worried meditations. "I refuse to write shiny happy propaganda! I will not turn into a dopey Pollyanna bereft of all critical thinking skills!"

I think that's a very wise and self-aware remark. I'm a bit confused by who said it. Terence McKenna? You. Doesn't matter. A common liberal trait, if you want to go there (and I do! ) is the idea the being critical is being serious, helpful, and a social crusader for the poor or whomever. Good news is considered "shiny happy propaganda" as that writer wonderfully pointed out. If one actually read any good conservative writers with an open mind (including me) you might notice how common this trait is and how and why it tends to get implanted so stubbornly in the left. But I admire anyone who can take such an honest look at themselves�even at the cost of their ideology. That's real integrity.

Thank for sharing that, Pauline. I didn't find that particularly flakey. A little "out there" in places. But not too flakey. Heavens, I thought you were going to start quote Maureen Dowd. Then you would have seen some blood on the screen.

I reach inside and I realize that I almost can�t bear taking the chance of doing something that would bring success. It feels much safer to cringe at the imperfections and limitations of the surrounding world and to then safely and conveniently imagine �Only if.� In this way one can get at least some of the rewards of grandiosity (and omnipotence) without lifting a finger. Time for that Marianne Williamson quote again:

quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

But that is not to discount the power of fear or its presence and influence. That�s just to say that we will play all kinds of games in our heads to try to improve our lives. We�ll take stabs at all sorts of techniques. And if we run across one such, like I described, and if it gives us even a little bit of comfort or hope, we may keep going down that avenue (perhaps unconsciously) hoping to break through to more gains, to more open areas of light. After all, this makes much sense. It�s how we often move through life. We meet resistance, push a little more, something won�t give and we may decide the best thing to do is to move on and to not keep beating our heads against the wall. (Other times, due to deep beliefs and/or obstacles we fundamentally know need to fall, we may press on, and rightfully so.) And conversely, as we�re stumbling through the nearly unlimited trial-and-error, hit and miss avenues of life, when we find a path that responds positively, that seems to offer no resistance, we might then mark this trail as a good one and keep coming back. It�s just the way blazing trails works. It�s quite close to, and surely analogous to, the way ants blaze and reinforce trails (if you�ve ever seen one of those nature documentaries regard this subject). An ant goes down a trail and if he finds no food, that trail becomes untrodden. But if he finds food then word gets out. Chemical markers are laid down, even if accidentally and unintentionally. But at least ants are seemingly smart (or dumb) enough to stop going down a trail when the food has run out. Humans, fueled by hope (and I�m not saying that�s a bad thing at all�I think hope is a great thing.) find it very easy to keep beating their heads against the wall.

At least I do. And looking at the human attribute of hope, we might see it in a new light. We absolutely need the attribute of hope, particularly to guide us to a Creator and to love. And we probably imagine that this Big pay-off justifies the little (sometimes not so little) missteps caused by hope lingering down cold, dark, and un-nourishing trails.

Oh yeah. LOTS of forgiveness is surely on the horizon. We got ants in our pants, after all. Or in our head.

Originally posted by Brad:
I think we need to receive what's there, not deny it � whether in another person or ourselves. . . But I have the feeling that if we deny, if we don't receive what is actually being giving to us from another person, that we can't play our role of helping to transform. And when some of those received things make us quite uncomfortable, this can be an enormous challenge. And then, perhaps, we get a glimpse of how everything can work to the good. How the other is working toward shaping us to be more loving, even if this is done quite unconsciously and accidentally.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phil: Apply all this to the Person of God, Brad: et voila! Theistic spirituality! You've named the dynamic very well.


Pauline to Phil:
It seems to me that one of the fruits of a theistic spirituality would then allow that person to better see, receive and appreciate the gifts of another person correct? I mean if they've received the gift of the light and love and God, the more able thy are to then give that to others with out trying to change them..There would be an acceptance of all for what it is.
Would you agree with this Phil?

Pauline said over on another thread:

I need help with:
1. Procrastination...
2. obsessing on the mysteries of life....
and the relatinship between them

Regarding procrastination, we can have a LOT of fun with that term. Oh, lots of wicked fun. What is procrastination but putting off what we think we should do? And I ain't saying that as human beings we don't pick us some duties and commitments along the way. We do. But I think a number of those "should's" probably don't fall into the "have to" category, and that if we're procrastinating with them in the first place it's because they're not right for us � and very possibly because there's a strong component of someone else's "should" being in their. Long story short, the only way that I think we can resolve these riddles is to pray and meditate, for we can turn these things over forever in our head trying to resolve them, thinking about what we might prefer better than all these things that leave us procrastinating.

Let me fling a couple Einstein quotes at you to try to make this point. The first two are similar. Maybe one are both are misquotes. Or maybe they're both things he said twice and in a different way. But both have a nice "spin" on them that I like:

quote:

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

My beady little brain just loves bouncing off the walls of the inside of my skull in a frantic search for clues to answers to ongoing and confounding questions. Perhaps it intuitively senses that it needs to get "outside" to do so, like Einstein says. He would know, eh?

As for obsessing on the mysteries of life and the relationship between them, that reminds me very much of what Eric mentioned that we was thinking about. I do that too, seemingly 24-hours-a-day. Make it stop! And that's not just a joke. Please do make it stop. A racing and searching brain can be analogous to a computer booting up. We turn them on in the morning, we boot them up, we watch the little icons, text, and whatever race around and across the screen as the computer readies itself for useful work, for running our programs. And that's how I feel about my racing mind. It's trying to boot itself up into some useful mode so that I can begin to run the software that I want to run. I want to run the software of "lover". I want to run the software of "job satisfaction". I want to run the software of making more money. You get the picture. But it seems that I'm forever caught up in the booting-up sequence. It's a necessary sequence, for sure, but quite useless unto itself.

I was driving to work in the morning yesterday, Pauline, and I swear to you that for the first time in my life (or at least since I was a child) it felt good to be alive. Instead of looking at life as an unwelcome chore to be "gotten through", I was actually feeling satisfied with just being. In fact, it was being itself that suddenly took on a value and fascination that I had never noticed before. And I wouldn't call it a mystical experience of any sort. It wasn't particularly blissful. I didn't feel the buzz of god running in my mind and down my spine. It just felt sane.

Our obsessing minds are perhaps trying to take us to some point such as this, or whatever is appropriate for ourselves. I'm not a big believer that we all need to sit enlightened under the Bodhi tree. Life is just too big for only one mode of being, although I'll readily admit that there are some spiritual absolutes and truths. But I think these are wonderfully flexible and adaptable. The are there to serve us and not the other way around.

And so in our obsessing mind we find both the cure and the disease. Our mind is trying to take us to a point where there is no obsessing mind. But only by obsessing just a bit can we get to the "trigger" (whatever that is) that allows us to turn off the obsessing mind. It doesn't seem to happen on its own. Something seems to be needed to be achieved first. I had this thought a couple days ago. I was sitting there thinking and praying and wondering just what it was, what stupid little thing it was likely to be, inside my head or otherwise, that was between a "nice" enlightened me and the usual fearful, obsessive, mixed-up, needy creature that I am. And at times I got this feeling, or visual, of some "thing", like a thick thread or something, that seemed to contain all the things in me that could be pulled out, deactivated, defused, or disarmed and that would then lead me to a natural, flowing love and a natural, flowing sort of life where I didn't irrationally resist the good things in life and the things that are good for me.

That's sort of my current thought/meditation subject, Pauline. And it gets crazy because I do get these small tastes of better things. But it's so hard to turn off the striving, for it is the striving that is driving us nuts. I'm quite sure that that thick thread that I see inside myself, the one that I imagine contains all the obstructions, is elastic. And the more I strive the tighter it gets, and the tighter it gets, the more energy I put into trying to untighten it and to let it release. Which just causes it to tighten further. And on and on. And then I look again at those word of Einstein: No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.. And they seem to have new meaning to me in regards to this problem. And it might help if we change the word "level" in "level of consciousness" to "type" or, better yet, "willing-type", for I find more and more that it is the orientation, attitude, and direction of our wills � our REAL wills � that can help determine whether we stay in a rut or not. Most likely the ruts we are in are where we want to be to some extent because they are safe. They are known. But these ruts probably should be though of as attitudinal or mental ruts and to not take our physical surroundings and circumstance literally as our ruts, for it is by changing our minds that the rest of the environment changes around us. The reverse could sometimes happen. We might change our minds by changing the environment around us, but are attitudes are SO lightweight that they travel to any environment rather easily. So I prefer to work on the attitude and will. And the best way to do that is to connect outside ourselves, outside the level where the problem originated. It's probably the only way.

Another Love Habit moment brought to you by the word, "procrastination." (Oh, and the number "5" for you Sesame Street fans out there.)

got to got work but yes I agree with all the above. My problem is about needing to go backward and sort throw out and organize the few things I really want to keep...I want own as little as possible...find a better home for my rescue dog...all this stuff that I am not tendng to..in order to feel freeer to go with what most feeds me..obsessing on the mysteries of life..

What do you do for work that allows you to write all day..sometime?

got to got work but yes I agree with all the above. My problem is about needing to go backward and sort throw out and organize the few things I really want to keep...I want own as little as possible...find a better home for my rescue dog...all this stuff that I am not tendng to..in order to feel freeer to go with what most feeds me..obsessing on the mysteries of life..

Well, this comment will be here for you when you get back. It's funny because for at least the last couple years it's been distinctly on my mind to try and "lighten the load". In everything. And I thought (and still do to some extent) that there was something wrong with me. All one has to do is to look around and see the wonderful richness that so many others are able to surround themselves with. But every instinct in my body says to lighten the load. To keep things extraordinarily simple. One could give all sorts of meanings to this: That I don't handle stress well, have so much going on in my head that I need fewer distractions, am not at "home" with myself and so don't feel the desire to "decorate" as much, don't really like where I am but don't know where I want to be, etc. And, in part, all that is true, but the real answers feels like so much more than this � whatever that answer is. We can tend to define ourselves too quickly by our problems, or by our perceived problems, because hurting and knowing why we are hurting is much more attractive to us than hurting and not knowing why. So gaps tend to get filled in quickly, labels slapped on almost without a second thought. And we often then never question them. And so it's the same with this desire to simplify. Rather than being a disease or a symptom it is, in all likelihood, the front edge of enabling good things in our lives.

What do you do for work that allows you to write all day..sometime?

I manage a small printing company which I own with my brother. I do the graphics, bookkeeping, billing, reception duties, estimating�all things I can do in front of the computer. I'm a vicious multi-tasker! But, really, I do these things primarily at the expense of other things I could do that would make me more money but which I would hate and, frankly, and for the life of me, can no longer bring myself to do. So I'm sort of "decaying" (we'll generously call it "metamorphosing") into something else�perhaps poverty and living on the street. I honestly don't know.

yes..strong pull to lighten up...and as much as I am aware that I have been ver influenced my New Age thinking, and I am one who feel they also to have one piece of the puzzle..

I think I can separate whatI intuitively feel from concepts though. Many people I know are wanting to lighten their loads, one polor side of that many people are depressed...I would liken it to how I feel befor I go on a trip...I start trying to attend to all kinds of things I normally put off...It feels the same way...
Lighten the load to get enlightened maybe??
But admittedly there are many predicitons about very transitional and difficult times coming...and it's always polarity that brings heat..the light..the transformation.

Interesting work. I'm a great multitasker too, but not on the computer. This is tunnel-vision time!

Your predicted death and knowing what you do, gave me and idea for your new profession when upon your resurrection. I think it's a brilliant idea,if I do say so myself, and it sounds like you have all the skills to do it. It's basically what you do here, for me anyway, only you would get paid for it.

You couldn't use the 1st link that came to mind, as I already checked it, but you'll get the idea:

www.muse.com and/or
www.gov-for-idiots.com

(I often get ideas for creative ways for creative people to make money. I'm notgood on execution though....)

Muse.com - Thiis would be a place for people to go to work thru creative blocks, via a Muse..

It could work several ways:

1. They log on to a description of site, send a letter explaining their problem, you or some hired on Muse write back a sample of musings
which they then have to pay for more.

2. They read inspiring samplings from icons of various Muse names, charaters. By reading thru the various Muse styles, they find a match and then pay for dialogue with the Muse.

You of course could advertise and hire other muses to be part of your team. The hardest work would be setting up the system.

www.gov for idiots.com

More boring, for me anyway, and probably not lucrative,unless it was an interactive computer game that taught gov. basics..
Or just an informational site to teach and OBJECTIVE look at gov. structures, parties, beliefs platforms and systems. But you would have to be truly objective...Don't know how it would make money though.

What do you think of my proposal for your new profession on LOve Habits?

Regarding BradMuse.com: I think that�s an interesting idea. In my heart, and in a perfect world, I would want to deal with that place where so many people live which is in between official organized religion and cold atheism. If you ask me, ShalomPlace is an anomaly. And I mean that in the BEST possible way. If there was this much open give-and-take, open challenging, and open adventurous consideration surrounding most people�s faith, the churches would be absolutely packed. If I try to take a long-range view of things, (and without trying to hold any institution up to utopic standards), I see a people in an age where there is no less need for mysticism and religion, but where there is a need for a different style. Some have tried to bring a �new age� style with lots of lights, fancy muti-media presentations, hip music, and little talk of �should nots�. That hasn�t worked. It�s been, as I understand it, an absolute disaster. Those types of churches, while not rare, are shrinking.

That�s why I am here. That�s why I tip my cap to ShalomPlace. The choice is not between hard-core, let�s-throw-people-on-the-rack-again, fundamentalist religion; or a soft, unchallenging, vapid, watered down �MTV-style� religion which simply surrenders any standards to whatever standards and values that Hollywood or Oprah thinks are good at the moment. Nor is it the choice simply to stick with a slightly (and surely reluctantly) tweaked status quo. And I can�t for sure tell you what the other option is. But if you�re familiar with the life of St. Francis, you might get a glimpse of the general ethos of that option. It�s a firm commitment to an idea, but a very light grip on people. It�s joy. Wonder. Merriment. Adventure. Laughter. But it�s also sacrifice. Commitment. Study. Service.

When things aren�t working right (or they are perceived to not be working right) there�s always one faction that wants to tighten the screws and that has a more dour mood and outlook and emphasizes things such as �obedience� and �strict adherence� as the answer to all that ails. The other side sort of freaks out in the other direction and tends to cast off standards and brings a more nihilistic �Hait Ashberry� approach in which the believe love is something manufactured out of good moods, good intentions, and casual styles. But the answer I think is to authentically integrate both, and that is exactly why I think St. Francis had such an effect. And I think Ronald Rolheiser�s got it nailed in his article, The Romantic Imagination with Religion.

quote:

There are many reasons why our churches are greying and emptying. Conservatives attribute it to the intoxicating power of secularity, to a pampered culture that has lost its sense of self-sacrifice, to rampant individualism, to the sexual revolution, and to an adolescent grandiosity in the adult children of the Enlightenment. Liberals suggest other reasons: People are treating their churches the way they treat their families and, today, family life has broken down in Western culture, little wonder the church is struggling. They point too to what they see as a church out-of-step with the culture, a church too rigid, too patriarchal, too much perceived as anti-life, anti-erotic, too much consumed with its own agenda�

What we're lacking is fire, romance, aesthetics, as these pertain to our faith and ecclesial lives. What needs to be inflamed today inside religion is its romantic imagination and this is not so much the job of the theologian as it is the job of the saint and the artist. We need great saints and great artists, ideally inside the same person.

And so to answer your initial question, Pauline, I like your idea. I�m not sure I would do it, but I think it�s a good one. And if I were to do something like that I would probably try to present it in such a fashion so that it didn�t look like people were coming either for Dear Abby advice, to have their palms read, or to read a fortune cookie. Although human beings are quite mystical, and the process involved in helping them along seems quite alchemical, I think the world has enough dime store gurus. People, I think, generally have most of the answered locked up inside themselves. It takes only removing certain things to set people on the path to freedom and growth. I think it requires a light touch. Too often I think what happens is that well-meaning gurus (or whomever) try to lather themselves onto the student as the cure. I suppose that can be a bit of ego, a bit of projection, and a bit of vicarious living through others. But the master is the servant. If I lower myself I raise you. That�s probably why there tends to be some abuse in the student/guru relationship. It becomes really about reinforcing the ego of the guru and not reinforcing the soul of the student.

Surely with your vast experience, Pauline, you too might see the need to set a sane path for teaching some of the eastern principles and methods. You�d be very good at that as well.

Now, here�s my biggest obstacle: As soon as you start charging people money for these types of things you�ve just entered a very delicate realm. It may become very difficult to maintain the kind of humility needed to really serve (at least it would be for me�hats off to those who can do so). And financial considerations always skew things. Am I going to tell someone (who I really think needs to hear it) that he is an a-hole?

I don�t doubt that you�ve been able to help people with creative ideas to make money. I think you�ve come up with the beginnings of a good idea. If not me, then certainly maybe you perhaps?

This next one is going to be truly a self-indulgent post. And I don't care.

Would you find it overdramatic and unbelievable to hear that, for the last couple decades or so, if not longer, on average, that I've typically felt a sense of well-being and non-pain for perhaps a couple of hours every four months or so? I used to come home at night (and that's when this would usually occur) and just bask in it when it happened. But I never really thought much about it at the time�except for the last couple of times it happened when I was staring to put two and two together and coming up with a Transcendent 5. That's the prelude to a thought I wrote down the other day: I don't want to have to hold things in tension anymore, lord. I don't want life itself to be a tension anymore.

I do believe that I understand what good can come from being crucified. Oh, you'd better believe I do. And there are others who know this as well. You know there's something going on in your life when you get up in the morning and while taking a shower (or trying to take a shower) are thinking of the first few bars of "Silent Night" and begin sobbing in such great tears you're actually not sure at first if you're happy or sad.

Now, onto the minutes of this meeting. Pauline said elsewhere: Sounds like a sweet, utopic relationship fantasy. It's likely though she'll want to stay out later then 8;30...Most functions don't end till 10 pm , at least around these parts, and sometimes people go out to eat afterwards.Maybe it's different up there

Well, if it's not EVERY night, come back when you feel like it. But if you're drinking to excess or anything like that, bye bye. That's not for me anymore. If you're truly experiencing joy then it would be your solemn duty to stay out until 2:00 a.m. if your sleep schedule can manage it.

But I invariably leave out some realy important point like...financially stable.

That I can't help you with. And I would agree that we're all slaves to our genetics to some degree. Women want and need financial stability. They want stable resources and security. That is deeply embedded in them. And I can't play that game. I'm truly an evolutionary misfit and I'm beginning not to give a crap about that. I realize that I could be having the time of my life with some nice lady, and she could be having the time of life with me. We could be soul mates. We could be so tight with each other that you couldn't even fit a playing card between us. But it could all come crashing down in an instant because, just like the male propensity to eff things up with infidelity, a woman will literally destroy the world around her, no matter how happy she is, if she sense that ol' need for security and things. That is the reality of life. I can't change that. So I really don't expect to find a woman anywhere in this world for me for whom just "being" (as best as we can manage it) is just enough. And maybe that's a reflection on me as well. I'm sure it is. Being isn't good enough for me perhaps either. But I'm sure as heck going to try. Evolution ain't just a river in Egypt. We are meant to move on and progress. Not necessarily to escape[ our nature but to expand and continue discovering more parts of our nature.

And it's a pleasure now (well, it was until I sort of worked myself into a lather ) to sit here and just soak up the Connection. There's still some pain, but the connection is there and it feels good. It ain't psychology that's bringing that feeling, I can assure you. It ain't endorphins, although surely some are being released. It ain't a mood, 'cause frankly I'm feelin' a little cranky right now. But there is It and by all the power in my brain and soul I've been trying to capture that reality in detail. I hope I have. And I feel much more love these days. One might even say, at least in this short term, it's becoming a habit.

now that's synchronicity! scary. and wow

I would like to share my experience of love. Excuse me for getting very personal.

My wife and I were very much in love at one point. She was all I ever lived for. She was my best friend and the mother of my child.

Somehow how we grew apart after I got out of the service. Mostly from me becoming a mental case.

It got to the point that we hated each other. I have been sleeping in my own room for over a year. I prayed for an end to our marriage. Well just recently she had an affair with my best friend.

Believe me it had the complete opposite affect on me. Instead of the joy I thought I would have knowing I would get a divorce I felt like someone had died.

Instead of leaving her I fell more in love with her. I realized I had always been in love with her and somehow lost track of that. I never hated her I only hated myself. It took me only a couple of days to forgive her. I thought I would never forgive something like that.

I am now so in love with my wife that I have a hard time functioning during the day when I am away from her. It has been a most wonderful experience in a strange way. Because if that would never have happened I would never feel the way I do about her. I have a new best friend now (my wife). It seems that her affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. The heart is such a strange and wonderful thing. I think I will never understand it.

But currently in my life now the love I have for my wife radiates through me. I honestly have never felt this type of love for another person before. Maybe I am just now tasting it for the first time. But why am I not mad at her? Why don't I want to kill the guy who did it with her?

The love makes me feel that there is some reason to live. My wife feels it the same as I do. We hugged and talked for hours the other day. Most days we never talked 5 minutes.

I have come to realize how beautiful my wife is. Another thing is I realized she is a very intelligent person. I always thought she was kind of slow. I have actually finally seen my wife with my eyes open for the first time. We have been together 6 years now. She was 19 when we got married. 20 when she was a mother. How could I have married her before and known nothing about her?

I must say life seems wonderful these days. Being in love is the greatest form of existence that I know.

Personal is good Eric! at least in my Good Book of the Dead.

Personal is the heart of our spirituality in my experience. And what a wonderful story of love, forgiveness, redemption and the joy of resurrection..of letting die your attachments to that some idea or concept about how you loved or didn't love youer wife, ideas or who she was and who your were in relationship to her...

I think there are innate differences between those who marry and those who don't. As one who has yet to marry, I have never understood why so many feel that having a spouse cheat on them would be the most unforgivable thing they could do. I read somewhere once that if we truly loved someone, we'd be happy for them to love and be loved by another, in every way....even if it was just a learning experience for them. I want to know all about the loves and lessons of my parnters, as those experiencs are part of who they are, a part of what made them who they are. The sadness and joy they have known with others is part of their life.. Of course I've never married either, and for exactly that reason, but maybe making such a big decision would change that ...IOne lesson that seems to come up for me from time to time is that, as with everythng else, there is something to say about 'staying in present the moment' with one's parnter.

I have a noticing that I can feel jealosy and possesiveness about one friend or lover and not at all with another. (Astrology provides adn good objecitve perpective from the inside out about these sorts of relationship dynamics, which allow one to more clearly see the lesson being presented to be learned)

I knew all too well that I was not ready to confine my love to one person. I wanted to experience love in the light of more then just my own inner critical self, and one other person, who also had filters on. I knew I didn't have good boundaries and discernment and understandably so, given the family environment I grew up in. But I could and have loved and loved well, I think, other souls along the way who were also still learning how to love, just as I was. And while there is always a dance of wanting the relationship to be a certain way, look a certain way, feel a certain way, what usually wins is the ablltity to let the lessons inherent in the relationship unfold naturally within the intentions set,which so far has led to letting go ot the relationship for one reason or another.

For some reason, I never felt any "sin" in having sexual relations outside of marriage. ..Rather the sexual/spiritual journey for me has been an ever evolving discovery and refinement of love and of letting it mold us.. and somehow or another the right peron always shows up...

Only recently, am I able to see that perhaps now making such a commitment to another person, or even to celibacy, might be the next step for me, in fact, a necessary step if I want to advance further spiritually because I have reached a different place in my growth and perception. The journey now is increasingly inward and past desires for what were often differen and competing outer experiences or preferences of a partner feel less threatening to my own desires. This seems easier with age, as both persons have more inner self knowing and especially if they share a sincere desire to grow spiritually.

Why don't I want to kill the guy who did it with her?

Because you know that would injure your wife�and thus this is surely proof positive of your deep and abiding love for her. Your anger and need for revenge are puny and truly insignificant compared to your love.

Being in love is the greatest form of existence that I know.

Yes, like Pauline said. Personal is good, Eric. For once, you leave me speechless�.yeah, like that day is ever gonna come.

I just want to say that I think you are an extraordinary individual and it does me great pleasure to see two people rekindle love so deeply, especially after such hardship. What does suffering do if people courageously remain open to it and don't close down? It leads to the cultivation of love. I'm truly, truly happy for you both. Hearing something like that really does my heart good. That joyful splash in the pond of your renewed lives is sending ripples out in all directions. Thank you very much for having the courage to relate that story.

Yin said: I read somewhere once that if we truly loved someone, we'd be happy for them to love and be loved by another, in every way....even if it was just a learning experience for them.

Yang said: Only recently, am I able to see that perhaps now making such a commitment to another person, or even to celibacy, might be the next step for me, in fact, a necessary step if I want to advance further spiritually because I have reached a different place in my growth and perception.

I find that to be a quite provocative idea, Pauline, particularly your yin statement. I really don�t think love would call us to do such things, but it pleases me to think that a wife or girlfriend of mind could provide a little TLC �therapy� for someone to break them out of their funk and to think that I would be more than okay with that. But again, I don�t think true love will likely call us to do that. There are other ways to support, nourish, and wake up people, I think. On the other hand, sometimes paramedics do have to apply those defibrillator paddles to shock the heart back into a steady rhythm again.

God can make all things work to the good. I should shut up about that because I know almost nothing about that compared to Eric. Yes, I�ve had my heart ripped out of my chest before but I�ve never been wise enough or man enough to let someone put it back in. As has been strongly occurring to me lately, we need to look at the complete context of things. It�s too easy for us humans to see the incidents in our lives as signs of our, or others, weakness. And I ain�t saying that we ought to have a great, big infidelity party in this world, but fidelity belongs first and foremost to god, not the church, not your neighbors, and not even your spouse. And if the Guy in the Sky can truly make all things for the good, we perhaps need to come out (as Eric surely has done) from our narrow human way of looking at things as see other sides of what is going on. Two people made love and at least two people were healed by it, and not the two people involved in the love-making.

In reality, I know myself too well. I�m far to weak not to be so hurt by something like that as to never regain a sense of love. What a [expletive deleted] miracle that Eric�s life was improved. I�m still astounded by that and am so glad Eric told us about that. I hope the make-up sex lasts you for the rest of your life.

Would love to hear more about the yin yang of those statements..
It's actually most likely the fear of divorce that has kept me from commmitting to marriage. That to me is something I would want to feel 100% sure of, and I've never felt that way about myself, much less another person. So in that light I can see howsuch an experience could devistate someone.

I started feeling more sure of myself though..about 2 years ago and yet I am increasingly humbled by my experince of lifes mystery at the same time....a paradox I think.

Would love to hear more about the yin yang of those statements..

I think you were probably talking to Eric, but let me throw another two cents in there, Pauline.

Yin: I come from a background and psychology where I'm quite familiar with what it means to latch onto other people inappropriately to the point of choking them. It's the kind of thing where, say, your friend is talking to someone else and having a great time and you feel a little left out and jealous. Instead of just soaking up the joyful vibes and letting your heart be moved by the spirit as it will -- and going with the flow and waiting to receive when love and fellowship is offered -- due to a lack of patience, a lack of a sense of worthiness, and a bit of insecurity (among other things) you try to control, manipulate, and coax feelings and loyalties out of other people. So let's start at the simple and work our way up.

Does anyone have a problem if, say, their child or nephew plays with someone else for a while? No. Probably not.

Does anyone have a problem if their spouse goes out with some friends after work and has fun without you? No. Probably not. (LOL. Of course some of you do. This is a common problem, I think. But I digress.)

Does anyone have a problem if their spouse has sex with another person? Bingo. Almost universal disagreement with that concept.

Again, I think monogamy is the way to go because otherwise one is just developing one's sexuality. And nothing wrong with that, of course. But if the point of life is to develop more than just that (and I think it surely is) then I think there are inherent reasons why a monogamous relationship is necessary. But I think there is a sense that if we were truly loving, truly kind, truly generous, and truly altruistic that we could be compassionate, understanding, and enlightened enough to be more than okay with a spouse being intimate with someone else. And thus the "free love" movement. And now, why it didn't and can never work, at least on this earth:

I'm not going to write twelve paragraphs to try to explain why this might be so, but I take it as a given that monogamy is the form of relationship in which higher things than our sexuality can be developed (including, and especially, love), and I would say that it would be a near miracle to develop these things, even weakly, outside of a monogamous relationship. Therefore, if one recognizes the value of developing spiritually in a variety of ways ( including developing spiritually in love, acceptance, generosity, etc.), and if one recognizes that these are more important and ultimately more fulfilling than developing mere sexuality, and if one can concede that this is possible only in a monogamous relationship, then if one wants to be truly loving, truly kind, truly generous, and truly altruistic then one will need to take one's spouses and one's own interests into consideration and keep the love making between just the two of you. "Free love" doesn't work and can't work for these reasons.

The yang: What a wonderful thing it would be to just junk everything I said and to love a person so much that you could see a Bigger Picture, that you could know God makes all things work for the good, and that you would have such love for her and other people (and yourself) that bitterness, envy, control, the need to possess, jealousy, and anger were nothing compared to forgiveness, transformation, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness (again), and last, but not least, love. I think that if we hold these two in tension, both the yin and the yang, that we'll avoid squeezing a loved-one a little too tightly. Fidelity, after all, has to be a voluntary thing or it means nothing.

I must admit that a lot of things went through my mind when I first found out. Forgiveness was not the first feeling I felt.

But as she told me what happened my mind was flooded with memories. And they were all bad.

I see in my mind all the times I came home and walked right past my wife and went to my room. Which by the way we were sleeping in separate rooms at this point. I see all the times that we never went out together. Or how I never told her I loved her. Only when I look back at all those times can I see those memories as still shots. And when I freeze frame them and zoom in I can then see the pain that was in her eyes. A pain that I never noticed until it was too late.

We had all become victims at this point. I had taken a young girl away from her family. A girl who only wanted my love and I robbed her of a meaningful life.

I wish I could have realized how bad it had gotten before it was too late. But it is what it is.

The make up sex is great BTW...