If I have a problem receiving, and I think I do, then it is surely because I was, in the past, usually receiving the shadow side of words like "love", "caring", "respect", and "devotion". In short, I learned to associate bad things with those good words and notions. If someone said they "loved" me it was often because they were trying to assuage their own guilt after handin' out a good whoopin' or verbal assault. I look back now and see that I incorrectly threw in ALL those "I love you's" into the same bad basket. Many, perhaps most, were sincere. But those few betrayals, as bad as they were, threw the balance to the shadow side. And I'm very very sure that this describes me and a whole lot of others.

My church, at the moment, is Shalom Place. My "sacrament" is the "post now" button. It may not be much but it's something.

But I�m not bitter. And as far as I know, I�m not really even very angry. I think I see things in a larger perspective now. I think I'm ready to be a man. I want to be a man. Which is not to be mistaken for a number of things that might cross your imagination. I'm speaking metaphorically. But seriously, I do believe I have gained great strength from the female side, from the Jungian "anima". (If that's the right one. I always get it mixed up with "animus".)

That declaration does not mean that I expect to be without fear. That's not going to happen anytime soon, I think. And it doesn't mean that I�m going to "take on the world" and finally complete my Hero's Journey. That ain't likely to happen either. And it doesn't mean that I'm going to start hocking loogies, using gasoline as aftershave, and start shagging babes left and right in an orgy of masculine pheromones. Yeah, I want that to happen, but I don't think it's likely. And I surely don't think it means my shoulders are going to grow any wider or that I'm going to be able to take on a "man-sized" load or burden. You can have your man-sized burdens. You can have your wars. Your treachery. Your violence. Your maniacal and constant need to prove yourself. I don't want it. I'm me and me is humble, small, and scared�but honest, loving and willing to love some more.

Someone told me that the real goal of life might be to become authentic. Well, maybe that's the manly thing to do. And I'm afraid.

I can trust God that I will not simply have to swallow things that I cannot digest. I will not ultimately have to deny myself just to get by. I can be authentic, and reality will not reject, but will provide. I do not have to be somebody else. I do not have to fake something else in order for things to work, in order for things to not come crashing down on me, in order for me to receive.

I thank Pauline from the bottom of my heart for helping me with this. It's not easy to turn something like this from an intellectual insight into a reality or into actual practice, but one must at least first know what can be expected to be done before it can be done.

I trust God now, no matter what title we may give to him, her or it. To my unbelieving friends I would say that it is likely you already believe but just, as yet, don't see�or do not want to see. Much like a CSI crime drama, the evidence is there. And it's not just "evidence". It's real stuff. It's feelings and knowings and experiences. If we can't trust our feelings in this world, then what ever can we have? I, as much as any one, probably, understand the larger Alienation that can come when we are alienated from our own feelings, from our own selves.

I sense a furthering of this alienation by some aspects of religion. But what are we to do? It's the main and time-tested avenue to spirituality. And unless you take your religion and package it up into something more formal, who is going to take is seriously?

Of course, that's someone else's problem. That's no longer my problem. I'm making my peace with where I am and I feel it is good. We're all so different so why should we expect our worship to be the same? I no longer do, although I don't think I ever did. And given the literal explosion of diversity among churches and faiths, it seems most people don�t either, although I sometimes worry that "customized" in terms of religion is too often confused with "the one, true way". And yet, for ourselves, that way probably is the true one. But our humility will definitely be engaged, I think, when we thoughtfully consider what is "the one, true way" for others.

I hope to expand my journey one day. Maybe even create my own web site. And I luckily have people such as Phil as friends who will (with a little arm twisting, I hope) provide some advice and expertise. But I know such a thing will not happen until I have a partner or partners. It would just be too oppressive to have a site just about me. I'd hate that.

Anyway, that's sort of my thoughts at the moment, my "prayer in the air". I have much to consider. It's funny. As much time as I have to consider, and as much time as I spend considering, I still feel overwhelmed at times with things still left to consider. It's as if considering is my end, not a means to an end. What does that mean? Is there no altar for me, no developing and dynamic physical reality that is brought forth from the mind? Must it all be considering? Will no tangible and solid altars be built? Will no sense of firm momentum or distinct accomplishment be felt and seen? Are there no monuments to myself that will be built? No house? Wife? Even children?

God seemingly desires to help keep me in a very interesting place.

My fear right now is that I�m turning into a dattaswami, which means I fear I'll become too independent, too individual, too "me" and will be rejected. No, Phil, I'm not rehashing the arguments on "To ban or not to ban? That is the question." Ban his ass for all I care. I�m just saying that I'm perhaps running into, and tearing down, a few more of those "people pleasing" walls. It's a good thing. It's a good thing to open up, but when we do we tend to upset the applecart. People get very comfortable with us adhering to a certain way of being and too often we too willingly accommodate this.

Maybe it is the humble soul who will not break bonds but will simply expand them. You don't have to break eggs to make an omelet. You can poke a little hole into both ends of the shell and blow out (or suck out) the contents thus leaving the shell intact! And I, for one, do not wish to break any eggs or have egg on my face. But I would like to perhaps make an omelet. A love omelet. A Love Habit omelet, to be exact.

Need so easily blinds us from what we really want. Life is not intolerable until I have x, y or z, or do x, y or z. I just seems that way.

Acting on every impulse doesn't get us there because then we become just a slave of circumstances and do not properly integrate, or gain guidance from, larger perspectives and considerations. However, feeling and/or acknowledging every impulse is likely highly important. But we have to be selective. There is theoretically absolutely no freedom in being completely and utterly instinctual, never pausing, or being able to pause, for reflection before being carried away by any thought or feeling, although in the popular imagination such an orientation might come across as the carefree, blissful persona of a deeply free spirit. And surely the opposite of a soulful, compassionate, and loving free spirit is the poor soul whose every thought, feeling, and emotion is first scrutinized internally so closely that the feeling is mangled, the emotion is killed, and all joy and spontaneity are nearly wrung out of life. Somewhere in all that is a happy medium without somehow running into the paradox of planning certain times to be spontaneous.

This is highly humorous and ironic because I'm as un-spontaneous and anally retentive as they come. I'm as repressed and un-dance-like as you're likely to find. I hear lots of music but remain, for the most part, in the chair. And so this is why I talk about something I need to work on and that I know virtually nothing about�except in theory. But hopefully theories eventually can get put into practice.

And I say all this because I want to fall into the Love Habit. Whew. That was close! LOL.

You really do have to be bloody honest with God, I think. I mean, it's not like you're dealing with an IRS auditor, although their omniscience is still an open question. But the point is is that to try to think the right, correct, righteous thoughts is only fooling yourself. Tell the Big Man (or Woman) exactly what is on your mind. If we don't then we just increase the tension of life. We don't release it. We don't gain peace.

This comes from one who has thrown strings of 4-letters words at The Guy Most High (or Gal). And I meant every one of them. And I haven't necessarily taken those words back. It was real at the time. What's to take back? (But I do ask for forgiveness for being an ungrateful mixed-up ***hole.) Everything in its time, I guess.

This comes to mind because I prayed to god just now. And I said, in essence, "Ya know. It's not that I don't appreciate the world (although my gratefulness needs a lot of work, I admit). And it's not that I don't think I have everything already that I need, although I can't seem to cure my want. And I do recognize that much of my need is still based on trying to "be somebody". But I think that is quite a bit diminished. And I do trust you and realize that patience is a virtue I have yet to achieve. But even taking all that into account, Lord, I keep looking at the four walls around me and feeling a distinct and heavy discontent. And, no, like I said. I'm quite satisfied now that I don�t want things so that I can "be somebody". But on my mind is the heavy desire for companionship. And yet I don't know if that's simply all about "fixing me." I suspect some of it is. And I really don't know if I could put up with a constant "other" around all the time (or much of the time). But, again, all that said, Lord, I do believe that hole I'm feeling now is pretty much loneliness."

And after having this conversation, which went pretty much like that, it occurred to me how many other lonely people there must be out there. And a sense of peace filled me. And then I looked at the words that I had written earlier and had sort of set aside and saved: I can't enhance me unless somehow I enhance you. And a little more peace flowed in.

Technique: Every time I have a feeling, particularly a somewhat distressing or uncomfortable one, I pray about it. I don't try to swipe it away. I don't judge is harshly and look on it or me as somehow broken. I don't shame it. I just let it sit there. And, like I said, I pray. I don't pray for the feeling to go away. I just sort of talk it out as honestly as I can. No trying to fool anyone.

And the ol' Love Habit rolls on.

I just can't walk around Your world like an emotional vacuum cleaner trying to suck attention, respect, un-loneliness, and love out of other people. I must somehow have the attitude of giving with absolutely no expectation of receiving and no eye to being a martyr. And when I do receive, may I truly be thankful.

You would think utter and absolute dependence on the Lord wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. I mean, we've got to do at least some things for ourselves, right? But what choice do I have? My habits are so ingrained, and run so deep, that I take one step out into the world and it's very hard not to have all that hard-won openness collapse back down into the usual thought patterns. Very low stress tolerance. And that is why I say, what choice do I have? And in thinking this I think that I'm probably so blessed that I don't even know it. I'm part of an existence I can't even conceive of. I'm totally helpless, and yet I have the best Help money can't buy. I can't be sure this is normal�at least for me. I don't know what normal even is for me.

I pride myself on my imagination, but it is truly humbled and shown to be exceedingly inadequate before such a thing. I am literally brought to tears and to my knees by the helplessness of it all and by the awesomeness of it all. These present thoughts are making no sense. I wonder what this looks like to another. Is this real or is this something else? I have no pattern or sense built up for determining, distinguishing, or dealing with real.

As I was laying down, contemplating all this and life, a voice came to me and it was my own voice which whispered (while in my typical low-level state of anxiety): "Why don't you trust? Why don't you trust?" And I realized that I didn't really yet trust. I still consider myself the prime mover of my life. That is to say, I'm still in the way. I�m still untrusting. And I still haven't really quit striving. I'm just trying to hide the striving behind what appears to be a much quieter version of it.

True trust would mean that I don't need to see any "results," that I had moved beyond that consideration. Love might be the consequence or gift of trust (as might be success, happiness, whatever), but not the result, per se.

And when a little peace flows in, like it did just after thinking that, I figure I'm on the right track.

And then I meditated in a seeming communion with God for a few minutes. And I asked only one thing: "May I never think that this [spiritual awareness] is me."

I've done that before. I've thought that it was just me. I thought that it was just an opportune psychological alignment or a fortuitous state of brain chemistry. I might even think it was because I was such a good and deserving boy. But this would inevitably short-circuit my spiritual beginnings. I can think back to several times when this happened. Each time I realized I had lost something. But each time I was so in need, so desirous to bolster my battered and bruised ego that, I had to attribute it to me. And so even if the spirituality faded, I was always quite sure that I could just will it back at anytime.

I never could, of course. And this memory, and that previous prayer, sort of made me a bit apprehensive about my very self. I therefore hereby authorize MM to slap me, and slap me good, should he notice an outburst of "I can do it all myself" ego. I do believe I can trust him to do so. That would be the Love Right Cross instead of The Love Habit. Still sort of fits the thread though, I think.

And then right behind this sincere flood of humor and good will came a flood of tears as I was suddenly and genuinely afraid of ever losing that connection again. And I don't mean losing any particular feelings of peacefulness, bliss or presence. But just the sort of "something" that is always beneath, like a carrier wave. Subtle. Not really there but distinctly missing when it isn't.

And now come tears that are tears, not of fear, but of thankfulness. And they come in a torrent. LOL. I�m not so sure how good the "becoming a man" project is going.

I was driving back from somewhere tonight, on a dark, sort of rural road. I came upon a patch of road where houses lined it on either side and most were decorated with Christmas lights, especially the yards. I glimpsed over to my left at a ten foot tall tree that was decorated with the absolutely typical 60's or 70's red/green/blue/yellow lights. It wasn't anything fancy or twinkling. It wasn't one of those beautiful, but kind of modern, "all-blue" or "all red" motifs. It was just one lone Charlie-Brown-like tree with lovingly placed red/green/blue/yellow standard old-fashioned Christmas lights. And I just lost it. I mean completely.

The poignant part is that I had to try to suppress the tears just a bit. I was driving at night and it was becoming hard to see the road. And then just a bit farther down the road I glanced to my right and saw a waterfront home that had its back deck decked out (that seems appropriate, eh?) with all sorts of Christmas lights and decorations. The outside of the house was also nicely decorated with strings of lights. And inside the big picture window of the home (the curtains were open so I was able to see inside), I caught a glimpse of a fully decorated Christmas tree in what looked to be a Normal-Rockwell-like family room. And I lost it again, but in a different way. The first set of tears were tears of remembrance and regret. Some of the memories were good, but many were not so good. And the tears of all the years in between, in which my life has not known light, were visibly and symbolically held and remembered in that small lighted outdoor tree. But with that first set of tears out of the way I guess I was then able to move onto the main course upon seeing that second house. I cried quite hard while at the same time thinking or saying out loud (I forget which) "I am so, so sorry for all that I have done. Please forgive me."

I'm so very tired and so very glad to be.

Good God Almighty Brad,

How do you manage to write so much.. so well?

I know that I for one, would love to be able to take some time to respond to ALL of your posts, not that I have any sense that you expect that of me or anyone else for that matter, it feels freely given. The fact that I feel inclined to try to respond to them at all, is just shy of a miracle considering that initially some of your posts really irritated me, especially the political ones. So I just want to acknowledge you Brad, or 'affirm' your writing skills, to recall a slightly over used, but love cultivating "buzz word" from the Awakeing Community days when I first met Phil.

Unfortunatlely, I simply HAVE to start taking better care of my other more routine, less satisfying responsibities in an already far too dwindled day, week, month, year.

I am very curious though to know, how long it actually takes you to write your posts, because they truly are exceptionally well crafted. Have you ever considered writing a book? I'm serious. Or at least maybe teach a writing class? I ask because I'm noticing that you are also becoming a bit of a muse for me. Your own style is assisting me in finding my own voice, which typically changes from one moment to the next. And that is a true gift,in my opinion. It demonstrates your clarity of mind to me, and greatly faclitates growth in the heart and soul of others

Typically I usually have lots of amusing but wise characters slip out when writing, fostered from creative drama, interplay and concept therapy classes. I find characters tend to give voice to different parts of ourselves we might not otherwise tap into..It's sort of like channeling I guess, but not so serious, not for me anyway.

Sista' Pauline (my personol favorite)
A big, wise and beautiful black bible babe, actually about 60 years old. She's the vocie of ancient and common sense wisdom born from hundreds of years of oppression

Sister Florid Pointed-Rose Petal,
English accent, master of reason, with laser sharp perception.

Sister Immaculate Conception,(just now conceived)
She is the truly pure and innocent part of me

Sister Cosmic, Radical Rose (also just conceived)
Outspoken, Fearless Messenger of Truth and Justice

Of course considering that this enthusiasm I have for your writing skills is coming from a person who reads as little as I do, may be worth comtemplating ,if only to better know the true measure of it's worth. So perhaps understanding WHY I don't read much , may add some perspective on their merit.

The fact is , that I am very easily bored by the written word, always have been. So much so, that I often read the endings of the few non-fiction books I do read, first. Now, some might call that impatience, but it's more likely a reflection of just how demanding I can occassionally be. Seriously though, as a higly kinesthetic kind of gal, if someone has something to say to me, ( or me to some one else) and we really,really want to make our message stick, especially if it's going to necessitate writing 1000's of pages of words strung together in some meaningful fashion that will mentally, emotionally or spiritually lead me somewhere, then shouldn't the words dance?

Brad, your words dance divinely.
(And who am I to say there may be "a few too many notes"? a favorite line from Amadeus movie)

With the exception of you more political posts, most of what you write as rhythm and style. They're full of interesting and challenging twists and turns in logic and reason, and lifts and dips in perspective, with lots of sultry honest undertones about unquenched desires. So much so, that I find it increasingly easy to follow your lead, your meaning, and your messaages. Meaning and messages, which in some cases I other then agree with at all, and in fact, often find them objectionable to my own understanding of the ways and means of making this world a better place to live, for all concerned. This is a paradox for me, yet joyfully so. And you always manage to surprise me. I don't WANT to read the end of your posts first

Not that I do that with all you other posters here, not consistently any way. I'm just hoping to give Brad some long over due appreciation here. I mean think about it, If it weren't for Brad, there would only be half the number of posts here at Shalom Place. And he does make one think in just about every post he writes. And he listens and responds in great detail and respect to other posters. That's no easy feat. If it were my site, I'd be tempted to compesate him in some way.

But back to dance. If I were to read the end first, I might miss some of the fun in the dance of your message, the journey of getting there...where ever "there" might lead to at that particular time in space. And just as in life, the dance, the HOW of how we get to where we are going, to me should be the most important, the most fun, the most interesting, the most meaningful, the most joyful, the mose sacred, the most fascinating part of journey. In fact for me, "the journey" is the purpose of journey. The destination is just ...I don't know...dessert ? the bow? the applause? the trophy? ....the door prize? the treasure box? the pot of gold? the climax? I don't think so..
But Eniightenment? Well, that gets back to HOW we get there.

I'd debate 200% with anyone that proposes that the steps to Enlightenment necesitate gving up enjoyment of lifes little pleasures. And while I'm certain that I am other then Enlightened , with a big E, I know that I am more enlightened then I was in my youth. And Mantras yoga, chanting etc....for me have been a haven, a joyful practice that lead to greater joy, and greater and greater appreciation of life , all of life, but slowly, eventually, gradually, evolutionarily , at finer and finer and finer more subtle levels...(but hey I was born a yogi,so I may indeed have a bias). And my experiences have absolutely convinced me, that Renunciation was NEVERmeant to be an matter of the intellect choosing it. Choose and embrace spiritual practices ...yes , those are needed for awhile anyway. But thinking it's a mtter of mind or will over matter, that in my book, is the product of ignorance, a lack of pure knowledge, which can only come from experience. Somewhere somehow, something got lost in translation. Renunciation happens, naturually, easily spontaneosly ...and in stages, as a result of tasting and experiencing higher and higher vibrations that make past pleaurses feel "dense" and even cumbersome, a burden. It's in the word itself...En_light- en_ment

The one thing that I hope to find when I get to wherever this journey thru life leads me.. is the place where I finally get ALL the answers, to ALL the questios in this Mystery Game Show of Life. That would the one piece of heaven or eternity that I am willing to accept I may not get to have here on this Earth, but I aspire to it. That's what makes the journey so interesting.

LOL and in the dance with you, Virya,

Brad,

The gift of tears has been much sought after and may well be a sign of God's favor, grace and blessing.

I've been in and out of it for over a half dozen years, and many layers of resistance have been worked through. During the process, there seems to be no bottom, but the Divine Therapist orders and limits the process based on individual requirements.

Very happy for you! -mm <*)))))><

I am very curious though to know, how long it actually takes you to write your posts, because they truly are exceptionally well crafted. Have you ever considered writing a book?

Thank you very much, Pauline. There are certain general "knowings" that I feel very confidant about. One of these, for instance, is that I will not have to put away my, errr, appendage forever. Brad will have sex again! Whoopee!

Okay, sorry. Got carried away there. But a quick side note. I want all you men out there to splash some cold water on your face, swallow your pride, quickly resolve any lingering resentment you have, and give yourself to your wives as completely and thoroughly as you can. Doctor's orders. Really appreciate what you have. Rediscover it if necessary. Do NOT think of poor little ol' me who would give his eye teeth (just what is your eye teeth, anyway?) to get a little TLC. (Oh boy, now I've ruined it�once you get something like that in your head you can't get it out. Wet blanket.)

I read this really interesting article once which was chock full of wisdom from the profession of prostitution. According to the girls, many men will come to them and all they want to do is talk. And even if they do more, talking seems to be a very big part of the routine. A lot of these men don't get that at home. They can just chit chat, air their little problems, in a totally non-judgmental and open (very open, one would think) atmosphere. Now, of course I'm not advocating prostitution as either a profession or a great place to drop forty bucks. But the principle is that the sexiest thing is that organ between our ears. Make-up sex is good for a reason. It's because there's no lingering anger. People give themselves to each other freely. So swallow that pride and say, "Honey, I'm so sorry I (insert x, y and z). I love you." And mean it. And make me proud!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Pauline, I've vaguely thought about writing a book, but that was somewhat in the old days and I think I feel differently about it now. I don't have that "knowing" yet that says it�s the right thing to do. But I'm very encouraged by your generous feedback. I know I've read a couple of Phil's books and was absolutely and totally impressed. It looks like a fun thing to do (and a lot of work). But I'm reminded of some wonderful words you said that I'm prepared to live by now: I am appalled to think that I used to respond to tiredness by pushing through it like a bulldozer to get my work done. And I think the same principle applies to work or play. I'm not going to bulldoze my way through stuff because I think I "should" or because I "can".

And half of this stuff tends to come out somewhat verbatim with a little bit of clean-up and editing, but not too major. The other half gets massaged quite a bit and is much slower. But I've written a LOT of stuff through the years and so it's a muscle somewhat exercised. The more you do the easier it gets. I tell you the truth when I say that I still am probably the slowest reader in the world and started out as the slowest writer in the world as well. And I just want to say that I truly think you have a talent for writing as well.

Write a book, make T-shirts, coffee mugs and snow sculptures!

http://i-heart-shop.com

http://poetry.rotten.com/decrepit-snow-awards/0013/

God said everything he created was good, and that includes the penis.

gonads_adam_had_em@eden.org

Typically I usually have lots of amusing but wise characters slip out when writing, fostered from creative drama, interplay and concept therapy classes. I find characters tend to give voice to different parts of ourselves we might not otherwise tap into..It's sort of like channeling I guess, but not so serious, not for me anyway.

I think that's a great idea. In theory, actors and actresses ought to be the sanest people on earth, playing all those different roles and everything. That sure doesn't seem the case, however. But nevertheless, I think it's a great thing to role-play. As you nearly perfectly said, it can give voice to different parts of ourselves we night not otherwise tap into. Yes. Yes. And again I say, Yes. In fact, I'll let you in on a trade secret. (But don't tell anyone.) There's very much a role-playing aspect to my conservatism. I could (as Phil has often done expertly) turn around and give the liberal position, and in all humility, likely as well or better than most liberals. But that is not to say I don't believe everything I say. I do. It's just that in the culture one finds on the internet, in particular, you'd think Ronald Reagan was the devil himself by what you commonly hear. Well, I have no problem at all giving the affirmative argument from the liberal side of the fence. There are sometimes some good ones. But I generally feel no need to do so when the conservative side is so underdeveloped and under-represented in most places. But you're making me think. Perhaps the best thing to do would be articulate the liberal position because, well, so many people adhere to that viewpoint and it might serve to flesh it out better than is commonly done by the liberal leaders and thinkers.

Of course considering that this enthusiasm I have for your writing skills is coming from a person who reads as little as I do, may be worth comtemplating ,if only to better know the true measure of it's worth. So perhaps understanding WHY I don't read much , may add some perspective on their merit.

Reading is by far the best way to improve your writing skills. And remember always that the point of writing, of words, is to express yourself as clearly and completely as possible. Ambiguity is great maybe for some arts, but not writing (unless you're doing so intentionally for some reason). I've made every mistake in the book twice. The first and biggest mistake (and you don't seem to have this problem at all) is to speak with your voice, no matter how hick, unpolished, down-home, up-scale, snobbish, or unsophisticated it is. Yeah, if you got a snob problem then best to cure that first. But, heck, there's even a market for that sort of writing! But the point is to not try to sound erudite, to not try to sound polished. Writing is all about expressing the miracle that each of us is. Even the most boring, tepid, uneventful lives, when expressed expertly (in its own way and form) and eloquently (in its own way and form) and, most of all, authentically will be some of the most compelling and moving writing that one will want to ever read.

You have a great strength, Pauline, in terms of imagination, metaphors and other skills that really add depth and interest to writing. And these are all little things that help us to express what otherwise would be quite inexpressible. That, perhaps more than anything, is what brings writing alive. You're "noticing" exercise is exactly what writers and other artists tend to do. They have a keen eye for things. They tend to feel things deeply. They tend to look at things differently or anew. And they are motivated to see what have not been noticed before so that they can share this with others and thus hopefully enrich their lives as well. The nicest thing you could have said to me was that my writing might facilitate the growth of the heart and soul of others. I very much appreciate hearing that.

God said everything he created was good, and that includes the penis.

Oh, MM. I about covered the monitor in spitted-out-through-the-nose-caffeine-free-diet-coke.

http://www.cafepress.com/iheartshirt/850167

Sister Immaculate Conception,(just now conceived)
She is the truly pure and innocent part of me

I wasn't sure whether that was a pun or not. (Conception/just now conceived). If so, it's a great one. If not, your comic wit is truly built-in and deep-down.

The fact is , that I am very easily bored by the written word, always have been. So much so, that I often read the endings of the few non-fiction books I do read, first.

Pauline, I've been a little worried about myself the past couple years when my reading of books seemed to die down severely. I've got literally a dozen unread books sitting around here. Many are started but probably won't be finished. And these are some truly great books. But what I find myself doing these days is MORE reading. I read lots of articles on the internet, not to mention a ton of posts by yuze guys here at Shalom Place. (I've just gotta have my daily dose of Jonah Goldberg, WC, MM, PSR and all the rest.) And thank the Lord in Heaven that Johnboy is now in the premium groups only or I would never get anything done. He's such a prolific (note, I did not say long-winded) writer. I kid him, but I literally owe my life to this man. You talk about finding me hard to read, Pauline? Well, I'm astonished and astounded by this man's intelligence and feel so extremely lucky that I get to spend any time conversing with him.

So I really wouldn't at all worry about the amount or type of reading you do or don't do. You're likely filling your mind some other way. There's only so much we can stick in there at one time and, come to think of it, that's probably why I have a hard time reading entire books these days. But I'm honestly still not sure what going on. 

Seriously though, as a higly kinesthetic kind of gal, if someone has something to say to me, ( or me to some one else) and we really,really want to make our message stick, especially if it's going to necessitate writing 1000's of pages of words strung together in some meaningful fashion that will mentally, emotionally or spiritually lead me somewhere, then shouldn't the words dance?

Yes. Exactly. Wow. You have the writing knack. " highly kinesthetic �then shouldn't the words dance?" That's what they call (at least what I call) great writing. But I do want to take the chance of saying that sometimes we need to cultivate a little patience in our lives. Part of the reason I think that some people don't like reading is that they just don't like sitting still. And that may be fine. I do believe there are kinetic-oriented people. I don't think it's necessarily a problem if someone doesn't like sitting still a lot. And I think there are wholly psychological short-term reasons for perhaps avoiding reading. Part of that surely is the need and desire to put out into life rather than to take in. I swear, Pauline, that I do believe the reverse is true as well. I will absolutely (hard to believe, I know) run out of things to say unless I do some reading. I sort of have a back-of-the-envelope estimate that for every one word I write I need to read about 3 others. At least. If I don't read then I just dry up. I start to just say the same old thing in new ways. (I'm going to leave that hanging breaking ball there for all my critics to swat out of the park if they would like.) And so it's quite possible that you have to much to express to be able to take more in�but that's probably and surely only for the moment. I hope you don't label yourself as a "non-reader" too quickly and permanently.

I can NOT believe that someone is actually selling a shirt that says that, MM. Oh well. I didn't see one for the ladies though. Never mind. I shouldn't have even asked. Please forget that I did so. I'm almost afraid to follow you next link even before you post it.

I'd debate 200% with anyone that proposes that the steps to Enlightenment necesitate gving up enjoyment of lifes little pleasures�.And my experiences have absolutely convinced me, that Renunciation was NEVERmeant to be an matter of the intellect choosing it.

I believe your spirituality has some Hinduism or something in it, right? Well, even if I'm not right, I'm just trying to point out that I've done a lot of reading regarding Buddhism. And there comes a point where one has read enough (just like spending lots of time with a person) that you get to know them. And I don't mean the ability to simply recall facts. You can sort of start to be able to sniff out their modus operandi. You begin to know how they really tick, even through layers of poorly translated texts, third-hand stories, and added-on myths and just flat-out fabrications. Psychological projection and hearing only what one wants to hear are always dangers. And this can add a real challenge to any kind of knowing. But that said, I'm intuitively confident that I have internalized the real and authentic flavor of Buddhism. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant. It's not meant to. In fact, I notice (using your language) that, if anything, it's tinged with a little anger and bitterness because I so regret what has happened to the Buddha's ideas. But I'm not going to get into that. I'm just going to be a little sad about that. But the point is I agree with you. And I don't think there's a million miles between some of the concepts of Buddhism and Hinduism.

Choose and embrace spiritual practices ...yes , those are needed for awhile anyway. But thinking it's a mtter of mind or will over matter, that in my book, is the product of ignorance, a lack of pure knowledge, which can only come from experience. Somewhere somehow, something got lost in translation.

My hunch is that you have caught the flavor or the "spirit" of what you're engaging in as well.

The one thing that I hope to find when I get to wherever this journey thru life leads me.. is the place where I finally get ALL the answers, to ALL the questios in this Mystery Game Show of Life. That would the one piece of heaven or eternity that I am willing to accept I may not get to have here on this Earth, but I aspire to it. That's what makes the journey so interesting.

I'm right there with bells on. I want to see how they constructed the pyramids. I want to see the living world of the dinosaurs. I want to learn about life, if any, on other planets. But what I've noticed lately, Pauline, is not that the bazillion unanswered questions that were threatening to explode my head have been answered. But that I had those questions in the first place only because I was looking for something else. And that something else turned out to be an idea that was basically "Respond with love, whatever it is." A horse needs to know only one thing when running the Kentucky Derby: which direction to run. I got the same distinct feeling regarding responding with love. Maybe it's something a little different for each of us. I wouldn't doubt that one bit.

True humility is probably, and will be forever, the ability to be a good receiver. It's sounds so good ('cause it is good!) to say that all one wants to do in life is to give themselves to the world. But this potentially can still leave us in a position of alienation. I can feel that in my bones. Pauline, your comments regarding receiving I think are very apt and helpful. I received them. I�m not good at that. I tend to want to avoid that thing that is so uncomfortable for me and to piously move on to the giving-only stage. And in doing so I shut out half the world and do damage to the very ability to be able to give.

May I receive. Gimme gimme gimme. Life is good. We ought to receive it. We ought not to get caught in perhaps a false piety of giving-only, although surely some people (like Mother Teresa) were/are so pious that they receive so much from their giving that they have no need to worry about concentrating on receiving. Perhaps their love is so great that that particular distinction sort of dissolves. I don't know. But it seems somewhat likely.

Probably the reason that receiving is so important is because to receive something from another is to acknowledge them, to pay attention to them, to listen to them, to respect them, to want to be with them. And I think all of that is just chock full of love. And by loving someone by allowing them to give you something and to enrich your life and theirs, how could this receiving ever be anything but magically good?

And perhaps I over-idealize Mother Teresa. Perhaps she knew how much love was implicit in receiving from another person.

I think we need to receive what's there, not deny it � whether in another person or ourselves. It may seem to be a kind and charitable act to sort of see past someone's fears, wounds, or eccentricities, and to go straight to the saint that you see lurking inside. And surely that sort of long-range vision is helpful and almost a must in order to get through the thorny bits we'll come across from time to time. But I have the feeling that if we deny, if we don't receive what is actually being giving to us from another person, that we can't play our role of helping to transform. And when some of those received things make us quite uncomfortable, this can be an enormous challenge. And then, perhaps, we get a glimpse of how everything can work to the good. How the other is working toward shaping us to be more loving, even if this is done quite unconsciously and accidentally.

By the way, some of this is just kicking in now because I'm "receiving" the lessons that a dear friend taught me. And although I'll probably never be able to love her like I want, she has already given me so much. (Which makes me love her all the more. Which makes me have to hold even more things in tension. Which means I ain't that far from climbing a tall tower right now and shooting spit wads at passing bystanders.)

quote:

Originally posted by Brad:
[qb] I think we need to receive what's there, not deny it � whether in another person or ourselves. . . But I have the feeling that if we deny, if we don't receive what is actually being giving to us from another person, that we can't play our role of helping to transform. And when some of those received things make us quite uncomfortable, this can be an enormous challenge. And then, perhaps, we get a glimpse of how everything can work to the good. How the other is working toward shaping us to be more loving, even if this is done quite unconsciously and accidentally. [/qb]

Apply all this to the Person of God, Brad: et voila! Theistic spirituality! You've named the dynamic very well.

And I think it's real tough to receive someone else's purported imperfections because they remind us of our own. We tend to want to push our own away in order to be lovable so we quite naturally do that to others (at least I do). How we react to the outside world often seems like just an exact mirror of how we regard ourselves.

quote:

Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves.
Men at some time are masters of their fates:
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.
Brutus and Caesar: what should be in that 'Caesar'?
Why should that name be sounded more than yours?
Write them together, yours is as fair a name;

For some reason, in discussing receiving, the quote, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves," occurred to me. But I had to confess to myself that I really didn't know what that line meant. So I had to read it in context. And I guess it means that if we fail, if we are small, if we do not live up to our potential, that the fault lies not in destiny, with fate, or with some absolute attribute of "the way things just have to be for us" but with our own limited vision of who we are and can be. That sounds rather bold and perhaps even arrogant to think that we should write our names next to Caesar and that our name belongs there. Isn't that blasphemy? And even if not, isn't that just a recipe for what we have now in this world? Lots of striving while we chase money, fame, and power at the expense of true happiness and peace of mind?

And yet there's that ol' Marianne Williamson quote:

quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

My life story is perhaps trying to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. I want to fulfill the yearnings and creativity that I feel in my heart. But so often it just comes out as expanding and trying to strengthening my own ego. And that is perhaps our existential situation in a nutshell. We intuitively sense the enormous power, purpose and glory in Creation. And we intuitively (and I think quite correctly) sense that our very being is a part of that. So we, quite naturally, put two and two together and come up with five. We sense the incredible awesomeness of our existence and then proceed to spend much of our time and creative energy in doing little more than trying to secure our existence, which often means little more than inflating our egos and sense of self-importance. And I wouldn't doubt at all that god looks down (as we might do to our children as they stumble before they learn to walk) and knowingly smiles a loving smile.

And yet, due to the often harsh and rugged nature of existence wherein we indeed often need to struggle quite hard just to survive in the bitter elements, it seems to me quite likely that this is a normal and expected stage to go through. Trying to hold on for dear life is all around us and is an orientation so incredibly easy to fall into that I think one has to sort of guess that this state of affairs is not necessarily a bad thing. We can still (as many do) react lovingly to this situation. But I think it is indeed a challenge, when faced with so many pressure, when up to one's ass in alligators to remember that the initial objective was to drain the swamp. And yet, doesn't it take time, patience, silence, prayer, and a good deal of instruction in order to connect to God, in order to start draining the swamp? And so, yes, I can see where lots and lots of forgiveness will and is handed out.

I will try to respect God by respecting myself. I will lean on him always for I must do so if I am to live out any kind of meaningful life. And yet I suspect that, just like in life between people, we can become too "clingy." We "punt" or abrogate our own selves and power if don't recognize ourselves as good and whole in their own right, and not only when clinging tightly to god. God is relationship. God is the very sustainance of our lives. But we are also distinct and unique beings. If there is nothing good about us apart from our relationship to The Big Guy (or Gal) then we're perhaps missing (and abrogating) the goodness of ourselves.

I, for one, have little choice but to cling tightly at the moment. Little choice. And I don't regret that. And that may be how it always is. But I probably should not do so because I think I�m so "yucky" when I am a separate entity from god, that I can only be good when I practically encase and wrap myself so thoroughly in god that there is little separation. I think that can sometime equate to hiding. And because my life has been characterized by, and filled with, an all-encompassing fear, I do understand this. And that surely is by far better than clinging to the ego, or sex, or a bottle. I've done some of that. It doesn't work. But in my own addictive self I certainly at least perceive of a possible non-optimal situation in making God sort of an addiction. It may turn out that I'm not capable of anything more than sitting in a chair, typing, thinking, and staring at four walls. If so, then so be it. But my idea is that love and God heal, that they connect us to our creative drive and potential, that they open us out, not keep us turned inward (in the "hiding" or "fearful" sense of inward).

Which is all a long-winded way to say that I�m still as scared as crap of not playing small, of not having something sure and predictable to cling to. But I intuit that receiving life is to receive uncertainty, to receive sometimes chaos, to receive sometimes hardship, to receive sometimes tension and conflict, and to receive failure. And I think that we receive these things but not as some way to pay the price for the good things. You know, in the sense of "no pain, no gain." I think we're really on-purpose and really in-love with life when that "pain" is also the gain. It's possible to feel extraordinary physical fatigue, to sweat like a pig in a sauna, to puff and gasp for breath like mad as if you were a two-pack-a-day smoker when engaging in love making. Is that just the "pain" for the gain of sexual pleasure, or is that "pain" really something else, perhaps a welcomed part of the whole process?

And yet I'm nowhere near the point of finding conflict, tension, chaos and unpredictability to be enjoyable. But I have that in mind.

---

Thank you, Phil.