Hello,

I am 22 years old and was raised by non professing Catholic parents. I was never very keen on believing as a child, because I didn't want to believe in something I couldn't see. So I was an atheist all my life until something happened to me.
Sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue(I live in the Netherlands). Things might sound very scrambled; that's because my mind is a mess right now.
When I was 20, in December 2015, I was rather depressed and I couldn't live with myself. I had no confidence, no fun personality, no enthousiasm , nothing basically. I was looking for a cause to live for but I couldn't find it by myself.
In February 2016 things changed though; I was so desperately looking for help that I actually started praying(as an atheist this means a lot) so I prayed and cried out to Jesus for help.
And then, miraculously, 2 weeks later I was totally healed of my depression. I didn't know what happened to me, but things started changing suddenly. I was overwhelmed with love, a new personality, enthousiasm, confidence..everything I had wished for came to me. I was suddenly not depressed anymore and started enjoying my life with my friends and family. People immediately noticed that something had changed and they were all happy for me, because they'd seen me struggling all this time. It felt as if I was heavily blessed and I didn't link my healing to the prayer I spoke out a couple of weeks earlier. I started working as a sales manager at a trading company and I was earning enough money to live a fun life. My best friend said that it looked like I had reached a point of enlightenment.

Also, a couple of weeks later I started understanding what was happening to me..it was the Holy Spirit that came into my life after I prayed to Jesus for help. I got exactly what I needed to get on with my life and I soon understood that we were all spiritual beings.
Soon I realized that I was called to the priesthood, I just felt it was the right thing to do, so I had an answer on one of my questions: What should I do with my life?
So I immediately enrolled in a Theology course in Utrecht. I was ready to change my life completely and become a good Christian that lives by the Ten Commandments. I quit smoking, drinking, watching porn and all other sinful things. I understood that I was a great sinner before and that I had to change my behaviour in order to get in line with God. I was totally in love with God and I felt so loved by God aswell. I loved everybody unconditionally basically.
I ordered a Bible and started studying it so I would be prepared for my Theology course which started a couple of months later. I noticed that reading the Bible gave me so much energy and faith. Everytime I thought about doing sinful things, I grabbed my Bible and started reading it, which made me calm down. It was as if the Bible was some sort of shield for me. I also noticed that since I was in Christ , that the urge to sin was greater than before. I felt more attracted to sin than ever, but I knew it was wrong and had my Bible( phone app or physical book) standby to protect me. God became central in my life, it was as if I was always accompanied by Him. Then, through revelations through music, my environment and my new, by the Holy Spirit inspired, way of thinking I finally got the big message that God had in store for me: There was this box in my room which had the text 'You're the complete package' on it and I immediately knew and felt that I was elected to become a future Pope one day when I saw it ( this might sound very weird, but it's how I got the idea) . I was hypersensitive and transcendent back then so I took certain things as 'signs' from God. I had many more reasons to believe that I was elected to become a future Pope, but they're all as vague. I couldn't be happier when I found out and it gave me extra motivation to become a better person. I wanted to win the marathon in Utrecht in the name of God. I wanted to stand out as a Christian and achieve great goals in the name of God.

But in the background there was still my old sinful life which was appealing to me. I knew I had to leave my old friends and find Christian people to live with, but it was difficult for me to let go. So I started drinking again, because I wanted to have fun in the old way with my friends again. With the drinking came smoking and I knew it was wrong to do so, but yet I did. I was constantly pushing my consience. I knew God didn't want me to return to my old life, but yet I did. Soon all I was thinking about was partying, women, sex, and having 'fun' the old way. My consience was telling me not to do it, but I ignored it and kept searing my consience. I was recklessly sinning and it made me feel worse every day. I thought about living a celibate life and I didn't want to pander to it. I was blinded by lust, jealousy, achieving worldly goals etc. This all happened in such a short period and I totally neglected everything that I had learnt from God. I didn't read my Bible anymore, stopped praying and lived this horrible life. Around July I was so drawn into sin, that my consience was seared to a point where it didn't tell me what was wrong and right anymore. I became mentally numb, not being able to show any emotion at all. On top of that comes the fact that I have turned inwards completely and my world of thoughts has become a great mess, thinking sinful things all the time without me wanting it.
Then in September 2016, I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt because the quality of my life had decreased to a point where I saw no point in staying alive. They told me that I had a psychosis after I told them about my spiritual experience. Now I'm out of the ward but I am still a great mess with the same problems. I've been in psychiatry for 1,5 year now and their medicines weren't able to fix me, not even a little bit.
I think I may have committed the unforgivable sin, because I rejected the guidance of the Holy Spirit back then. I didn't want to do God's will and I don't even feel sorry for it anymore. Nor do I feel sorry for all the sins I have committed. I have basically ruined my life by ignoring God and being ungrateful for what He'd done for me , lifting me out of my depression and giving me a cause to live for.
Now I am 22, still messed up and very suicidal. I haven't laughed, cried, or shown any other emotion in the past 1,5 year and it's killing me. I tried reconnecting with God through prayer, speaking to priests and reading my Bible, but all attempts were in vain and my prayers remain unanswered. I need a renewal of heart and mind, otherwise I won't make it much longer. Sorry for this sloppy text, I am too messed up to write properly.

(Edited by admin at posting member's request.)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Phil,

Hi Rainagor. Welcome to the forum. Your English was just fine.

The experience you described is commonly called "backsliding."

I did a quick search to see if there was an article that addressed this concisely, and wouldn't you know that Billy Graham has provided one.
- see https://billygraham.org/answer...-for-a-christian-to/

Note that Graham says:

quote:

However, whatever the sin might be that leads us away from God, it must be dealt with honestly and brought before Him in repentance. God loves us and wants us to be close to Him. Even when we sin against Him, He promises to forgive. “I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them” (Hosea 14:4).

And I note that you said:

quote:

. . . I didn't want to do God's will and I don't even feel sorry for it anymore. Nor do I feel sorry for all the sins I have committed . . .

Therein lies part of your problem!

Given your Catholic background, you can find help in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation (Confession) when you are sorry for your sins and don't just want to feel better again. It also sounds like ongoing psycho-therapy is a good idea.

I do encourage you to continue with prayer, spiritual reading, and living a moral life. You might not have the extraordinary respite from depression that you experienced before, but you will be getting your life focused in God and will know more peace.

Hello Phil,

Thanks a lot for replying. I find comfort in this forum because you integrate kundalini experiences aswell. In the beginning of my spiritual experience I immediately linked what happened to me to a kundalini awakening.
I was paranoid for a while, thinking that psychiatry was evil and was going to lock me up because I had these new enhanced superpowers(the increased social skills, charisma, unconditional love for everybody, transcendence, and all other positive things).
Later when the energy started to get in balance i eventually found God and then my Christian experience started.
The problem now is that my repentance isn't real, it's not from the heart. I quit sexual sin, smoking weed, drinking alcohol a month ago but it hasn't changed my situation yet. Fake repentance doesn't get you anywhere I guess. Only thing that I still do is smoking tobacco because I really can't quit under the circumstances I'm in.
So how do I start feeling remorse for my sins again? How do I remove this dark veil from my heart so I can repent from the heart again? I pray daily and try to read my Bible from time to time but I can't focus because of my messed up mind.

I just need to know how I can become my old self again. The person that came to life during the awakening that is. The confident, spontaneous, loving, enthousiastic etc. person. It's as if I have lost my personality by getting into sin more and more and drifting away from my potential. Can I achieve this through yoga or meditation? I am basically like a confused zombie right now. Haven't laughed in 1,5 year, not even a little smile on my face...being always just totally flat is really killing me.

What is most important is a firm resolve of the will to sin no more and to re-focus your life in God through prayer, study, moral behavior, Sacraments, etc.

quote:

So how do I start feeling remorse for my sins again? How do I remove this dark veil from my heart so I can repent from the heart again? I pray daily and try to read my Bible from time to time but I can't focus because of my messed up mind.

Don't worry about the feeling part, as it might take awhile for your psyche to come to deeper healing. What's going on with your intellect and will is more important.

Never for a moment doubt that God loves you, understands your struggle, and is ready to forgive your sins.

quote:

I just need to know how I can become my old self again. The person that came to life during the awakening that is. The confident, spontaneous, loving, enthousiastic etc. person. . .

I see we cross-posted above, so please read that post as well.

Be grateful that you had that positive experience, and so now you know that is possible for you to feel that way. But it also seems that this was mostly a gift to you -- that God was totally carrying your soul to give you a glimpse of where the journey will take you. After we are "lowered" from an experience like that, the task is to begin to do the hard work that will effect a transformation that will become permanent. You will have to learn to walk with God, day by day, exercising your mind and will to cooperate with the Spirit so that you will actually become the person you were given to experience before. There are no quick and easy fixes. Time to get to work, knowing that God will always give you what you need when you need it.

God isn't giving me anything I need right now. I swear I can't function. I can't remember what I read , I can't think properly, I can't communicate with people other than talking about my problem only. I can't enjoy anything, there's no love anymore and I am on the verge of ending my life. God hasn't done anything in the last 1,5 year and I am starting to think that He'd rejoice in my death rather than see me coming back to Him.
I have prayed, I have read my Bible, I have faked crying and asked Him to help me out but I get no response. My mind is probably 100 times worse than anybody could imagine.
I am starting some new therapy soon but I am not sure if I'm going to make it that far. This darkness is obliterating me.

This sounds like serious clinical depression with suicidal ideation.

You should certainly report to your psychiatrist that your medication is not working and that you are having suicidal thoughts.

In the meantime, call a suicide prevention hotline and visit the outpatient department of a hospital to request emergency help.

You seem to suffer from a mental disease and this is one of the most excruciating forms of human suffering. Sometimes even a proper medication and psychterapy doesn't help more than just to support functioning of a patient. Accepting any disease is a process of mourning and anger you experience is a part of this. A normal reaction. It may sound harsh and cold to you but there is no other way than to try to stick to God in faith and practice prayer and sacraments, without expecting that your depression will just vanish suddenly. I will pray for you.

I don't feel depressed at all, just mentally numb. There's nothing that's bringing me down or some negative thoughts about myself. I wouldn't even know what to talk about when I call a suicide hotline. There's just pure nothingness and on top of that some random garbage that my mind generates. Thoughts like "I am just confused all day, can you imagine?" Or " I just can't explain it, that's how confusing this situation is". Me saying these things over and over again to myself. This is not a normal depression or clinical depression. I reckon it's 100x worse because there is nothing I am depressed about. Brother Dominick had a similar experiencr but without the idea of becoming a Pope and he said 'clinical depression would be ecstacy compared to this" in one of his older threads. Not sure if I quoted it correctly. I'm just careless to a point where it's just getting creepy. I've been in psychiatry for 1,5 year now and not a single out of the dozen medicines I've tried affected my situation. I am just doomed, that's it.

I forgot to add that I've been hospitalized in a psych ward twice but they let me go because they couldn't help me in the end..that's how messed up I am I guess. I was under supervision every day and yet they failed to fix me. I'm a firm believer of reincarnation even though my story has a Catholic background. I recall thinking about reincarnation a lot when I was just enlightened and it struck me as the truth back then. Not afraid of judgement or going to hell for the rest of my life. I just want peace and I only find peace in death right now.

Ralnagor... do you meditate? Just sitting with whatever comes up, no matter how anguishing, without judgment or trying to figure it out, being OK with "blankness", non-emotion, or emotion, allows the mind-body-spirit to resolve things in surprising ways by just being the observer and not hanging on to any of it.

Namaste'

I tried meditation for a month when I was in the psych ward. Makes my mind even emptier than it already is. I don't need rest in my mind, I need it to come back alive again. To be able to reason, think, be creative etc. It's like my mind is dormant. I don't have patience to meditate because I want a quick fix for my problems and the benefits of meditation aren't what I am looking for I guess. Correct me if I'm wrong. I am not a very spiritual person except for this beautiful experience that happened to me and then eventually crushed everything I have.

Ralnagor, as others noted, you will need to be patient while the proper therapy for that negativity, depression and hopelessness you describe is being addressed. It's natural that you want to feel better, but give it some time, and do have a phone number handy in case the suicidal thoughts come along.

In the midst of this all, just call on Jesus and invite him to come into your life to be with you through this journey. Talk to him about what you're going through. Here is a scripture passage for you to look up and ponder: Romans 8:38-39.

quote:

Originally posted by Ralnagor:
I tried meditation for a month when I was in the psych ward. Makes my mind even emptier than it already is. I don't need rest in my mind, I need it to come back alive again. To be able to reason, think, be creative etc. It's like my mind is dormant. I don't have the patience to meditate because I want a quick fix for my problems and the benefits of meditation aren't what I am looking for I guess. Correct me if I'm wrong. I am not a very spiritual person except for this beautiful experience that happened to me and then eventually crushed everything I have.

You might try guided meditation/self-hypnosis. They're essentially the same, though, for some things, the latter will take you into deeper states. Search the internet for "youtube guided self-hypnosis" to see if anything jumps out.

Also, a blank mind is often the outcome of awakening... has nothing to do with religion. Eckhart Tolle has much to say on this in his first book. One of the things that are difficult initially, and for sometime after certain levels of awakening, is the 'silent mind' or 'no-mind'... but only because it was so noisy prior to the experience. It can be interpreted as something wrong. It's actually a good thing, being released to some degree from Maya, just wholly different. It's a difference in expectation. I need to go back and read your initial post. You may also be going through a "Dark Night of the Soul" period, as some of what you've posted bears resemblance.