Dear forum members,

I am new here, so hi!

I wanted to share my story with you. (I'm sorry, it became quite a long story).

In Januari 2016, I experienced an event which has changed me.
I have always been a sensitive and somewhat nervous person. But I got more comfortable the older I got. But I always was somewhat nervous around other people, especially guys.
I always wanted to do something else, I did several studies and I never managed to have a long relationship, cause afte ra while I got bored or I became too insecure so I sabotated everything by being insecure.

When I was 27, after yet again a heartbreak, I decided to go traveling. To do something no-one can take from me.
During this trip I got interested in spirituality (by meeting people and reading books like The Power of Now).
Because I didn't have to work/be around people etc. I finally got a little bit more peace of mind.
I started to feel a 'sparkle' in my solar plexus area.
I came to understand (by reading Eckhart Tolle), that my whole life I haven't been able to be in the now. Always wanting to be found nice by others, always trying to get appreciation by people which I didn't satisfy myself and a lot of times nervous/restless.

During this trip I became more relaxed and I reconnected with this loving feeling in my solar plexus.
When I came home, I focused more on this feeling and it gave me energy. I was more focused and I became more conscious (about food and about appreciating life more, the little things etc.). I also practised yoga.
After 2 months, I found myself a new temporarily parttime job and I continued meditating to reconnect with the loving feeling.
I also rediscovered my hobbies (singing, performing with guitar, sewing etc.). I got more and more energetic.
At work I needed more and more time to get back in touch with my solar plexus, but I managed to keep in touch.
As time went by, I got more sensitive to extern stimulants like sound, light and other people. I began to enjoy music more and I understood art in a more meaningful way. I also got more emotional about things that happened in my childhood and past. Things started to come above the surface and when I fell in love with another musician (this was only from my side), the feeling of love became more strong and I waned more and more in my own world about energy, telepathy, chakra's etc. I could feel peoples energy (Well, I interpreted it was theirs) and I needed more and more time to recover from all the stimulants.
When I recovered, I felt okay and high again.

Then after a while I experienced big panick attacks, when I was alone with no one around. But I just experienced it, cause I learned through meditation etc. to just let it come and go.
After these panick attacks, there was an experience where I thought I was going to die. I was sending love through my solar plexus. My heart was pounding everytime I did this, very very hard, but I kept sending love to it from my solar plexus, untill I thought I was going to die because of the heat in my chest area, but somehow I felt I needed to break through this and I did. The thought in me came up 'I still need to do things in my life! I don't want to die yet'. The panic was over and I felt oneness with everything. I felt a oneness with everything. After this, I realized I was not dead. And I felt so at home with myself and só loving. I was crying happy tears. I felt like I found something back which was gone for such a long long time. But my mind didn't understand this and applied this whole 'twin soul unity' story to it while in fact I actually was united with myself.

I was in a state of unconditional love. I did some things that are not accepted by society (I 'stalked' the guy I fell in love with to break in his garden to bring him flowers and to save him from all evil and heal him). But I didn't mind. I felt like I got to the other side, I could feel energy going up and down through my body and I was very very creative. I could sing and dance like never before.
I lost my home, my job was finished but in this state I could not find a new job and I didn't want to either. I got labelled 'sick' and 'bipolar' by doctors.

During the year 2016 I could still connect with myself and enjoy life, but I was hypersensitive. But at last I found myself, I was the real me after years of being insecure and led by ego. But I was overstimulated very soon and then when that happened I got depressed. But I managed to get my battery full again by recharging by nurishing myself etc. and be in the now and try to be positive.

I found myself a house for myself again in okt 2016. But I felt more and more depressed. I wanted to be a musician and connect with others, but because of my sensitivity and insecurity and chaotic mind I didn't know how to do it. I wanted to live a bohemian life and I wanted to give love to other people and help people out, but didn't know where to start because my life had been build on a totally different base (being a speech and language therapist) based on the ´safe´ life with friends working everyday and not understanding high sensitivity or a non-ego/nonduality life. I wasn't able to share with people cause people in my country are so closed up (Netherlands). I felt more and more depressed about the world and about my environment (not so much nature, I live nearby Rotterdam). I actually needed a warm hug to be able to ground again, but I didn't have anybody giving it to me (my parents are also very rational and no 'warm' people). I could feel peoples energy and almost no-one gave me energy back. The warm energy inside that I could feel in my spine, became cold more often. I forgot more and more to be in the now, because of all these energy sensations and forgot the ability to recharge through connecting to the source by meditation etc. Grounding was very difficult for me.

Later I could feel kind of a ´blockage´ in my solar plexus, my muscles started to contract and sometimes it felt like there was a ´vacuum´ inside and I wasn´t able to speak or think. In the beginning I could let go of this contracted state, this ´vacuum´ by isolating for a while and connecting to my 'source'again or sometimes it happened spontaniously when some one was being sincerely interested in me. But gradually I couldn´t recover and the vacuum got worse, after a while I gave up and went to bed. When I woke up, I felt like my soul had died. This was in march 2017.

Since then, I´m wandering around without any feelings. I barely experience something. I feel like a robot. The muscles in my chest and back are totally contracted. While last year I was able to do yoga very well, I can't do it because I became very stiff.
My muscles in the center of my body (from my tailbone to my head) are contracted. I can't release the tension, sometimes it becomes even worse when there is something happening that is negative to me (for example, adults being angry at children because of their own unconsciousness). I can't remember things very well and everything feels the same.
I can't connect with people. It's as my soul has been gone forever cause of this vacuum inside. My skin is dry and my toes are always cold and my nails even become a little bit grey/blue-ish.

First I tried to get back to my soul, by singing, by doing yoga, by trying ayahuasca. The last thing helped a bit, but only for a day. I went back in the contracted state again.

I actually kind of gave up on life as a social person. I am starting to do voluntary jobs, so I can be of some value to the world but I am apathic as hell. When someone tells me something sad, I dont feel anything. Everything I say feels like I'm acting. It's not the real me, not my soul speaking.

Although I can feel some sadness or nervousness, the contraction in my body, which is there 24/7, doesn't allow me to release. I'm not able to feel positive things.
I never feel relieved or contented anymore.
It's like the complete opposite of the 'open onness with everything'.
I know suicide is not an option (I don't want to pass my trauma onto others), but life barely has no meaning for me accept knowing that I can help others with my physical body (for example helping in household).

I feel like a different person. Like some other energy has taken me over and my personality has completey changed. It feels like with the contraction in my body, the empathic part of me has been locked away too. When I try to be empathic, it is só fake that I try to avoid talking about feelings with people. Sometimes, I get a wee-little-tiny bit of energy through all the contractions. But then when someone is in the neigbourhood which I don't feel safe with, I lose this energy again, so more and more I give up getting energy again.
I can't sigh, I can't yawn. Although I feel I want to, I cant, cause of the contraction.
And also, I can't practise my passion anymore (singing). My musical part of my brain doesnt seem to function. Singing costs me too much energy and I don't receive anymore.
I can't smell, taste, hear, see very well anymore.

I am not on medication. This all is created by my own mind and body.
I don't understand why a body/mind can do this to itself or to the soul.
And I think it's also not my task to understand. But I don't know why I have to go through this while I want to be so loving to the world.

The worst thing is, I 'know' that everything is one, I 'know' that death, seperateness is an illusion. But it feels like the contractions in my body don't allow me to live anymore. I don't feel anxiety, only the muscles reaction. My heart is pounding at a low rate. My whole body is in a stress state, but I can't feel it, I can't release it.

I am in a identity crisis because of this (being a very warm/sensitive/loving/feminime person, to being unsensitive/distant). I don't have a job because of everything. Everyone tells me to nurish my body and not to cross my boundaries etc., but I don't feel anything anymore, my boundaries are already crossed way too far, so it feels like I've damaged my nervous system for good.

I also can't 'feel' my opinions anymore. My intuïtionfeelings are gone completely.

It's like I'm left with a brain that only 'knows' the unconditional love state in a rational state, but not being able to feel it anymore while doing it.

Has someone experienced similar things? How did you deal with it?

Hello, Dreamcatcher, welcome to our small group here. As you can see, there are only a few of us posting. Thank you for your sharing, which was very interesting.

The short answer to your question, "Has someone experienced similar things?" is no, I haven't experienced anything exactly like that. The cultivation of loving energy after you came home from traveling, and the emergence of childhood memories and feelings, sound like you definitely opened yourself up. And I can relate to the slow opening over the course of many years.

But then at a certain point, you say you became blocked, contracted, and unfeeling, and the whole opening process stopped.

Now, I'm no expert on this, just an ordinary person. But a couple of thoughts come to mind.

The first is, I'm hearing that you are doing this whole process alone, without the assistance of a priest or pastor or psychotherapist. I'm wondering if you would find it helpful to have someone to act as a "container" for your process?

My second thought is a quote I happened to come across the other day, and which by coincidence I mentioned on the other thread:

"I did not collapse, but was determined to hold still and not flinch come hell or high water. The task is to get to the bottom of this dark hole, to see it is God and to surrender our whole being to It."

So my question is, is it possible and/or helpful for you to simply BE WITH this contracted state, allowing it to be as it is? And is it helpful to do so?

Hi Dreamcatcher and welcome to the message board

First I would like to say, based on my experience, that Derek is right when he said: "I did not collapse, but was determined to hold still and not flinch come hell or high water." You have to decide that you are going to hold on and not collapse. Because without making that positive decision all will be lost and there will be nothing that anybody else can do about it.

Dreamcatcher what you are describing in your post is me over the last twenty years and maybe my whole life . I was like you in the past and now I am like you are in the present and I have been dealing with what you are dealing with for over twenty years now. Day in and day out. I am a sixty-eight year old fellow who has been married thirty-one years, through thick and thin, to a women that has been with me through it all. So anyway Dreamcatcher if you are looking for someone that has experienced what you are experiencing and is experiencing what you are experiencing I am here to help you if I can and if you wish.

The first thing that I would like to share with you is that there is a high possibility that you are experiencing the first stages of Parkinson's disease, which I have and know something about it. And it seems that if you catch it in the early stages that medical science can help you with it. So my first suggestion would be to go to the Doctor and talk to them about possibility of you being in the first stages of Parkinson's disease. It can't hurt and it might do you a lot of good.

Dreamcatcher I have spent most of my life in meditation and have thousands of hours of meditation experience so I can share with you, if you wish, some meditation techniques that I have found helpful. And I would suggest that you find an open link chain necklace (the links are not welded together) that you like and then find some kind of a round shaped pendant with some kind of crystal in the middle that you like and hang it off of the chain necklace so that the pendant hangs somewhere over the area where your heart is and wear it all of the time. This kind of necklace will give off an energy ( a mild emf signal) that will help to stimulate the parts of your brain that are being shut off by what you are experiencing (the panic attack stuff). I wear two different kinds at the same time and they really help. But one should be enough if it has a round pendant with a crystal in it. And you should feel some parts of you nose and the area where you nose goes into your forehead and between your eyebrows begin to tingle or become energized "when you first" put it on and maybe other places if you are sensitive to what your body is doing.

Dreamcatcher, if you are interested I can go into other things that I am doing that I am finding helpful. The important thing Dreamcatcher is that you understand that you are not alone in this and that there are a lot of people going through what you and I are going through.

Love, Tucker

Tucker, this happens to me sometimes. I think I am pressing the edit button, but actually press the quote button. The whole post then appears for a second time, as if quoted.

Welcome, dreamcatcher.

I'm happy to see the sound feedback that Derek and Tucker have provided. A possibility like Parkinsons should be checked out medically, of course, as Tucker noted.

Sometimes, too, it can just take awhile for new integrations to become established. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

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Other topic: I've deleted the extra post. You all can delete these yourselves if it ever happens via the Edit button.

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:
Welcome, dreamcatcher.

I'm happy to see the sound feedback that Derek and Tucker have provided. A possibility like Parkinsons should be checked out medically, of course, as Tucker noted.

Sometimes, too, it can just take awhile for new integrations to become established. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

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Other topic: I've deleted the extra post. You all can delete these yourselves if it ever happens via the Edit button.

Thank you Phil I messed up and didn't even know it. Argg.

Thank you Derek for your kind words, they are appreciated!

Guys I have been reading the symptoms of Parkinson's disease and they are very interesting. They start with depression and panic attacks. From there things usually go into muscle stiffness and muscle cramping. I was drinking a lot beer back when I got the first symptoms which was sever muscle cramping, so apparently because I was mostly drunk part of the time I missed the depression and panic attacks . I had depression and panic attacks before I started drinking a lot but not during the years that I was drinking. I guess I was self medicating, who knew . When I quit drinking about six years ago the panic attacks and depression came back with an attitude, but because I was under a lot of stress back then I never thought about it being anything but normal. And at the time I quit drinking I was already having a lot of trouble walking because of the muscles in the back of my legs cramping up. Apparently Parkinson's is genetic and runs in families. And apparently my father has it and has had it for years now. We are not very close so nobody ever said anything to me about it. The only clue that my father give me was when he said that when you get old (he is twenty-three years older than I am) you have to exercise every day or your muscles get stiff and it is hard to move around and that sometimes his hands would shake. I didn't know that Parkinson's ran in my family, nobody I ever knew in my family had it. So this whole thing has been quite a surprise to me to say the least.

"Kundalini Issues" can be caused also by genetic problems that run in families. And medical science is calling one version of it a disease. Ah man!

Love you guys , things sometimes are never simple.
Love, Tucker

quote:

Originally posted by Tucker:
And medical science is calling one version of it a disease. Ah man!

There would be advantages to having kundalini syndrome classified as an official disorder of some kind. This would allow people to get treatment for it under their healthcare plan. And, from what I've read, some people are definitely in need of treatment. Kundalini symptoms can be distressing or even incapacitating. But without official recognition, there can be no treatment and no research into possible treatments.

I don't know for sure why kundalini syndrome is not recognized by the medical profession. Perhaps the number of sufferers is too small. Perhaps there is no way to objectively measure the symptoms. Perhaps kundalini syndrome sounds too far outside of consensus reality for anyone in the scientific world to dare propose research into it.

As I mentioned on another thread earlier this year, the condition is recognized in the official Chinese Classification of Mental Disorders (CCMD). There it is called zou huo ru mo (走火入魔) or qigong deviation (氣功偏差). (I don't speak Chinese -- I just copied those terms from Wikipedia!) But in the West, this is counted as a "culture bound" syndrome. That makes it sound as though it is either confined to just one culture or actually caused by that culture. This was in DSM-IV, I believe, which allowed for "qi-gong psychotic reaction." I don't know if there is something similar in DSM-5.

quote:

Originally posted by Derek:

quote:

Originally posted by Tucker:
And medical science is calling one version of it a disease. Ah man!

There would be advantages to having kundalini syndrome classified as an official disorder of some kind. This would allow people to get treatment for it under their healthcare plan. And, from what I've read, some people are definitely in need of treatment. Kundalini symptoms can be distressing or even incapacitating. But without official recognition, there can be no treatment and no research into possible treatments.

I don't know for sure why kundalini syndrome is not recognized by the medical profession. Perhaps the number of sufferers is too small. Perhaps there is no way to objectively measure the symptoms. Perhaps kundalini syndrome sounds too far outside of consensus reality for anyone in the scientific world to dare propose research into it.

As I mentioned on another thread earlier this year, the condition is recognized in the official Chinese Classification of Mental Disorders (CCMD). There it is called zou huo ru mo (走火入魔) or qigong deviation (氣功偏差). (I don't speak Chinese -- I just copied those terms from Wikipedia!) But in the West, this is counted as a "culture bound" syndrome. That makes it sound as though it is either confined to just one culture or actually caused by that culture. This was in DSM-IV, I believe, which allowed for "qi-gong psychotic reaction." I don't know if there is something similar in DSM-5.

That was interesting Derek (Where is the "like" button Phil?)

I don't know Derek, I think that you would have to define "Kundalini" before it could be studied. So how about this Derek, "How would you define "Kundalini"?" There is no right or wrong answer here, I am just wondering how you approach understanding this "Kundalini" mess stuff ?

Love, Tucker

quote:

Originally posted by Tucker:
"How would you define "Kundalini"?"

I think there are symptom lists in Yvonne Kason's and Bonnie Greenwell's books. You'd just need to put those symptoms together in the style of a DSM-5 definition. But to get anywhere, the proposed definition would need to come from a member of the academic psychiatry establishment, not from outsiders such as us.

DSM has had a category for "religious and spiritual problems" for some time. I've done workshops for mental health professionals to go over what they might consider these to be, and have mentioned kundalini. It's not, as of now, considered a pathology and I don't think it should be any more than Dark Nights and other transformative processes.

Re. definitions: what follows is from my new book, which is now ready for sale.
See http://shalomplace.com/view/k-process.html

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1. The yogic life force that is held to lie coiled at the base of the spine until it is aroused and sent to the head to trigger enlightenment. (from Webster dictionary)

- I will restrict the terms kundalini rising and kundalini awakening to this definition, as does much of the literature, and will not be referencing it very often, as I do not want to presume to be a spokesman for the yogic tradition.

2. A spiritual transformation process entailing intensified flows of energy throughout the body, leading to healing and higher spiritual consciousness.

- I am calling this kundalini activation. It is not in contradiction to #1, but is broader, encompassing Taoist, Buddhist and even Hindu experiences of transformative energy processes. Additionally, it opens the possibility for people from other religions and even those who are not particularly religious to find their experiences described and validated in terms of kundalini process. In my use of definition #2, I will not be capitalizing kundalini, for I am not meaning to refer to Shakti or any other aspect of Hindu mythology and theology.

I am also inclined to a third definition, as follows:
3. The inner dynamism at work in human development, in general, “pushing” us from within to deepening spiritual growth and integration.

- Michael Washburn’s idea of the Dynamic Ground of consciousness accommodates this understanding. For Washburn, this inner Ground is our deepest source of energy and the ultimate animator of our growth and embodiment. He equates this influence with kundalini and provides a comprehensive account of our developmental unfolding in terms of the Ego’s relationship with the inner Ground. The idea here is that kundalini is at work in everyone — even those who do not evidence the dramatic energy phenomena — but at a lower level of intensity. Its evolutionary impetus is the same, only its unfolding is usually slow and gradual. I am calling this the kundalini dynamic.

Well Phil, I guess to answer my question about defining "Kundalini" all I need to do is read your new book . How can things be any simpler, I love it when things are simple .

Love, Tucker

quote:

Originally posted by Derek:

quote:

Originally posted by Tucker:
"How would you define "Kundalini"?"

I think there are symptom lists in Yvonne Kason's and Bonnie Greenwell's books. You'd just need to put those symptoms together in the style of a DSM-5 definition. But to get anywhere, the proposed definition would need to come from a member of the academic psychiatry establishment, not from outsiders such as us.

"Not from outsiders such as us." No truer words were ever said Derek .

Love, Tucker

Phil, does Lulu accept PayPal? PayPal and Amazon are the only ways that I can buy things over the internet. I don't have any credit cards, my wife and I got rid of them a long time ago.

Love, Tucker

So, for what it's worth, Gopi Krishna spent the majority of his pursuits (once he was able) trying to educate the medical/psychological community of these aspects of K... and did make decent headway in bringing about awareness and establishing some treatment centers throughout several countries. He 'planted the seed' so to speak, and pointed out issues that often lead to hospitalization, including misdiagnosis that ended with some being admitted to mental hospitals. It's been awhile since I've read his accounts and the accounts of others that knew him, but it would be interesting to delve further into its evolution.

Peace

quote:

Originally posted by Tucker:
Phil, does Lulu accept PayPal?

Hi, Tucker,

I'm not Phil, but this page says that Lulu does indeed accept PayPal:

http://connect.lulu.com/t5/Ord...lu-accept/ta-p/31568