It has been a long time since I have posted here. In many ways I ran from my recovery and faith. In many ways my wife has kept me moving forward but with great emotional pain to herelf.
I am at the point in my life were I realize my dependent behaviors will destroy my relationship and I need the 12 steps back in my life.

hi brjaan, i am knew to this website and was not aware of a step program. i really could use one also, so we can help each other unless there is another way to do this? how about it? rebecca

Rebecca, he's talking about the Twelve Steps. He was active here on a discussion about the Steps sometime back.

phil, so this site had a twelve step program or just a 'discussion' about the twelve step('the steps')? rebecca

I was part of a 12 step group some time back and found Phillip's books helpful. I m in the military now and finding myself struggle with dependency and codependency issues in my current marriage. I find myself stressing to the point of tears due to her anger.

I have relational addiction or feeling that I cannot be whole without someone in my life. I joined the army for my wife silly huh. well I'm 41 and here in AIT. I'm growing but struggling with deoendency issues which landed me 45 Days of extra duty and grade reduction. I struggle also with an emotional addiction which though has been better I have my days when I feel powerless.

brjaan, sounds like you're in a "pickle," as they say. Don't mean to pry, here, but are you seeing a counselor? Someone with knowledge of addiction/family of origin issues would be helpful, I believe.

What do you mean that you joined the army for your wife?

brjaan, although i am new to this site, i am an old friend of dependancy and codependancy, issues. i want to give you something to 'work' on. often, if we have a goal towards bettering ourselves, it helps us with our addiction. i know this from experience. so, lets work on your pain. i like to 'layer cake' , which means looking at all the different issues that have brought me to my addiction. usually, we did not get what we needed as children( a time when we looked at our parents as our 'GOD'). sometimes that disappointment with our parenting( or lack of it) will transfer to adulthood as a shallow belief in God. we know from what Jesus told us that it is our FAITH that heals us. so how do we increase our FAITH in order to be healed? well, it takes some work on our part.we have to ASK for it! God did not create us as puppets to say, " I LOVE YOU GOD." He wants us to LOVE HIM out of our free will,that He gave us. so we have to work at it, if it has not been taught to us properly. we have to go back to our childhood and figure out how we were taught to love, and find out (thru therapy, or reading)what it is that we need to reject as 'false teaching' and allow God, thru the Holy Spirit, to re-teach us.we have to ask Him to lead us, and he WILL! VERY GENTLY, LINE BY LINE, PRECEPT UPON PRECEPT.i know that He will do this for you because He has done it for me, and of course He is 'no respector of persons'.SO... lets, begin this work! first ask Him to help you. i cried out to Him in anger, and then it took me weeks and weeks to be able to TRUST HIM. all the trust had been taken away in my childhood, but was restored to me by HIS LOVE. it does take constant prayer as you begin to develop a relationship with Him instead of depending so heavily on others.( when worry about how to please 'others' enters our mind, just replace it with a simple prayer, like ' i want to know Your will LORD") often people let us down. it isn't their fault always, because we are not supposed to depend totally on them, but on GOD> so we have to train ourselves to do that, and that takes time. time spent with our loving father.even if you are not at the point of having ANY faith, He will lead you. you have to TRUST HIM!( remember, this is the most important step and takes the most effort) i don't know if this helps you any, because i don't know where you are in your struggle, but sometimes it helps to talk to others who have had the same struggle. i will remember you in my prayers, and also you can add your prayer request to this website, where the sweet dominicans pray for us everyday. peace to you and prayers, rebecca

Thank u Rebecca I needed to hear it. I have been talking with the Chaplian and he also is encouraging me to stand on my own two feet and be less dependent on my wife and others.

Thank u Rebecca I needed to hear it. I have been talking with the Chaplian and he also is encouraging me to stand on my own two feet and be less dependent on my wife and others.

Hello everyone

I'm not sure which step this falls under but I'm struggling with relational codependency and dependency issues. the army seperation has had a negative effect and a article 15 has not helped. she considers me a looser and is extremely embarrassed with my failings. I have this strong felt need for her support but also feel unworthy messed up huh.
I've been praying and crying. My spousedesires to call it quites I feel like such a looser.

brjaan, please do not despair! there is much hope for you and your life. we are NEVER alone, even tho it may seem like it at times. there are many people suffering like this( because of codependancy). i myself was one of them. the first thing you need to work on is to see yourself with the forgiveness that jesus gives you. HE has given us SUCH freedom in this forgiveness. of course this means we have to come to Him ASKING forgiveness, which of course means making a FEARLESS inventory of ourselves,(step four and five) and after looking at the terrible truth of our sinful nature, we must forgive ourselves and let God take over. there is a MIRACLE healing that begins in us when we do this. (actually, WE cannot do it alone, we need God)codependancy is very much a drug in our lives. it gives us a false view of ourselves and others. we have to change the little voice inside our head that has told us for YEARS that we cannot stand alone in our lives because we will never be worthy of anyones love. there is also the false belief that 'I AM WHAT I AM and I CANNOT CHANGE and I AM HOPELESS'! these and many other false beliefs are usually baggage we have had with us for years and were caused by not getting something we needed in our childhood.( remember we need to mourn our childhood, but also forgive our parents, or LACK of them)God thru Jesus is THE ONLY WAY to find TRUTH and HEALING. but you HAVE to realize that it is a process, and take it as slow as you need to and be very sure to take good care of yourself,( eat well, don't induldge in other addictive behavior, and get plenty of rest and alone with God in prayer time) if you are truly sincere in wanting to get help and change, then it WILL happen. but you have to really want to change YOURSELF more than you want the relationship that is failing. remember that you cannot control other people. you have to let them go. respect their need to find their own path, without you. true LOVE is NOT dependance on each other.people always let us down, but God NEVER will. much prayers and the LOVE of CHRIST! rebecca

I'm learning that the hard way and honestly when my wife found me I was a basket case. everytime I attempt to stand on my own I fall down. I know this frustrates her. the military has been good for me . My wife has been tough with me and I'm regainimg my self confidence but not fast enough fast enough for her.

Hello Brjaan,

I am so sorry to hear how hard life has been for you, and also here that you have been working at regaining your self confidece. I wrote to you a few weeks ago, and posted to your profile. If you have not been able to access this, would you like me to copy and paste it here.

yes clare that would be great. I do not know we could access are profile and send messages. the military seperation has shown me I cannot stop my 12 step work I became dependent on others to stay emotionally sober. the qurstion asked earlier concerning about really loving God. I am convinced my problem is deeper I do not know love experientially my baggage keeps me from healthy relationships. in my current situation my wife is angry because of my passiveness and uninvolvement and my unfocused behavior. must of this and emotional behavior stems from my baggage. The military has been tough on her and at times she has threatened to walk. I need more sensitivity and understanding I'm rambling here

Hello Brjaan,

I sent this email earlier to you, but realise that I type too fast and miss endings of words etc., so here are the corrections.

If my email is too intrusive, please dismiss it, and I apologise in advance. I have been reading your posts, and my heart goes out to you, and hearing your words, I can also hear so much pain underneath these.

My experience in my life (I am now 60) having suffered for 25 years from depression, and now no longer have any depression or anxiety for the past 10 years or more And this brings me to share, that by the grace of God, I found deep feeling therapy to be the only form of therapy to cut through all my defensive words and actions. I see that you live in Illinois, and I dont know how close that is to Ohio, but I am aware of a woman in Ohio who is just excellent in this area, and she does telephone sessions, as well as intensives and retreats. I am a spiritual director, and since my healing - I subsequently trained as a primal integration facilitator ( deep feeling work ) and she was one of my trainers. Her name is Esta, and she has a website called www.primalmatters.com. I need to clarify that she is purely a primal integration faciitator, and doesnt address spiritual problems. I live and work in Ireland, but keep in touch with my american and canadian trainers, and wouldnt hesitate to recommend her as a faiitator. Also there is Sam Turton, www.primalworks.com. and he is in Guelph in Canada. He is a good container for spiritual matters. This is primal integration facilitation, and not primal therapy, as many believe. There is a vast difference. The 12 step programme is excellent, and I am aware from my own experience that it also doesnt address the deepest feelings with which we dont connect with, but which our addictions usually arise from. I trust in God's grace, and continue my daily practice of contemplation, and seek regular spiritual direction, but I also know to my own cost the suffering we incur when we dont allow our deepest feelings to arise in safe surroundings, (within our sessions). Brjaan, I pray that you may find the peace and healing you desire, and should you wish to contact me, to ask me any more about this healing modality, I am on skype as anamcharadas, and my email address is seagull@irishbroadband.net. Blessings,

--------------------
Clare

I went ahead and checked out your message Clare and the websites it looks like something that would benefit me. Currently I am in AIT yes this old man joined the military for love sic huh. The title should be codependency dependency issues and the nice guy syndrom. Phil I have been reading your book on codependency and life together.
I am convinced or as step 1 saids I am powerless over my addiction that I changed my addiction. My wife became my addiction and this has almost destroyed us. My Priest and the chaplians on base are helping me sort out the craziness between my wife and myself.
Phil I would like to do some talk sessions after AIT when at my unit spiritual direction and to get on handle on some warped spiritual issues in my life. I am learning to let go of my relationship. and forgive myself for the mistakes I have made the hardest is to know when to make ammends to my wife and when to give her space. Emotionally this is the toughest for me.

today has been a day of inner discoveries. I feel so in need of a higher power. I never thought the military would be so lonely. I am 20rs older than most. I notice it in physical activities and speed. My wife are still struggling to define r relationship. I miss her tremendously. the whole in my heart that was stuffed with my addiction is bigger and wider than it has ever been.
I need to do another step 3 because all I seem able to do is hurt those I love it is little things such as at night falling asleep while sneaking a call to my wife.

being in a military school and having to write this on my palm is difficult. I am doing better. I am having some time reflecting on my selfishness. I've been reading Mr Romains book on the 12 Steps reflecting on the 1st step. I am convinced my fear and no go attitude really revolves around my selfish attitudes. The book is great can anyone else relate.

Hi brjaan,

I haven't read the book but I can definately relate to selfishness as one of my biggest problems. I'm an enneagram type 5 and I horde and cannot give enough of my self, my belongings, my money or my time. I'm almost always concerned about myself first and others after.
But i'm a work in progress and I know that the Lord is leading me on to greater giving.
I know the Lord is doing the same in your life, just keep opening yourself to his unselfish Love and your life will grow ever closer to an image of the same.

Thanks having had a couple of months to watch my behavior at work (military) i can see clearly that I am addicted to my own drama and selfishness. I finally made it through the first chapther of your book phil on 12 step spirituality and my problem is that my addiction has always been my solace when my marriage has become difficult or other areas of my life feel overwhelming. But even worse i choose difficult people to be with so i can excuse myself and indulge in self destructive behavior. This lent
my goal is to let go because I am powerless. I go to Iraq in October i could use your prayers.

I'll remember you in my prayers, brjaan.

Brjaan, I'll also include you in my Lent prayer and fasting.

Hi brjaan!

I am new to the board and i have just read your posts in this section. (i don't know the book with the 12 steps). All i can say is to trust jesus and fully surrender to him.

Christ is trying to break the knots we have within us and this is very very painful. In 2006 i was one year alone (i met no one) just in my room (i was led by him to do this) and surrendering to christ as very deeply embeded things came to the surface. Pain, shame, hate, anger, rage etc. I was crying several times a day a whole year long. It seemed endless and a few times i wanted to commit suicide. Everytime i tried jesus came and said "you have gotten so far, why want you now stop?".

I know it can seem endless when all this stuff is coming to the surface....like a wild storm that blows everything away.
It may be necessary to see a conselour to stabilize you, but true healing only comes from christ.

Focus only on jesus and stop judging you for what you are (for feeling you are a louser etc.). Do a first step and accept you just as you are (as much as you can). pray to jesus for guidance.

Don't be afraid of your feelings, don't be afraid of the pains. Don't be afraid to cry! Christ wants to heal them, but he will only do what you want (he will not violate your free will). You must be willing to go through all the pains etc. that come up and fully experience them. In this way they become integrated within you and loose the power over you. (christ transmutas them by his grace).

It is only worse on one side that you choose dificult people to be with. You feel drawn to this people because through interaction with them you are able to become aware of these patterns within you (they would be unconscious without these interaction). You must become aware of the things that bind you to negativity before you can heal them.

When you surrender to christ and let your issues be healad by him you will no longer be drawn to such people. (this is what is called karma).

The presence of jesus is with you...

love
alariel

.
Alariel, knots is an excellent and highly descriptive word!
And unlike many alternatives it is not overly burdened with associations.

"Knots" is exactly what I�ve felt I was grappling with during such inner struggles.