Welcome to Shalom, Alariel. Thank you for that encouragement to surrender more completely to Jesus.

Hi!

Thanks for welcoming me w.c.!
Also thank you heart prayer!

Love
alariel

Thanks Alariel

I needed to hear that I am so quick to give up and rest on what gives a quick escape. I especially will examine myself to see what areas need healing and why difficult people have so much control in my life. I am definitely in need of faith. Welcome to the the board.

For the first time I am getting the help that I need at least I'm seeing it at the heart of my addiction is my perceived need for relationships and desire to fix others. I am both a extreme codependent and dependent weird huh.
I made a mistake at work I finally buckled under my addiction, my wife's constant mantra of me being a looser etc and threats of divorce, and army life and punched a tree. My hand lost and I lost almost getting an article 15. This puts me at step 1 and step 2. Phil I am going to read your book on codependency. Also I have been praying and finding solace in my catholic faith again.

Today I revisited the first step. I remembered reading at the root of all are negative actions is selfishness. I am stripping down my spirituality to its bear minimum and attempting to put a schedule in my life. It is tough because I have a very rigid one I follow in the military. But I also need one in my personal and prayer life.
I am also returning to the Episcopal Church. I left over the political drama but realize it is my home were I have received the most support and was a cowered not to face that church's struggle with the issues it currently faces. Being a coward is a form of selfishness or self preservation gone awry.
I am moving on to the second step and acknowledging my baptism and asking Christ to become the Lord of my life. I have to do this everyday because like John Wesley I leak or in some cases pump out God's grace so this surrender for me is moment by moment.

I think I am going to start another thread on codependency. That's if I have time. I am now deployed near the city of Al Kut in Iraq. I am a Combat Medic with the desire of becoming a Chaplain. As I alluded in my last posting i went home to the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion. So hear I am a 43 yr old serving in Iraq as a medic. It has been an interesting journey.
Step wise I am on probably working my third step most of the time. I am good at making a thorough inventory of myself but I find myself holding on to those things that hurt my relationship with and others. I find myself surrendering one issue at a time and not efficiently. One of the big issues is clinging to my wife at all costs even though she is verbally mean and manipulative toward me. Im learning not to internalize it and slowly to let go and let God have the relationship.
Deployment has been a challenge, learning experience and scary at times. Filled with alot of temptations. I have been linking myself up with a Benedictine monastery in New York for support and learning to make and follow a rule in my life. I still find myself returning to old behaviors that do nothing but tear me down. I ask for your prayers as I try to move beyond 3 and 4 on my own.

Hi Jaan. Thanks for the update on how things are with you, and for your service in Iraq.

It sounds like your making progress in recovery and are making good use of resources to support you. Best wishes on becoming a chaplain.

And . . . 43 is still young!

alot of positive has happened and still have the knack for getting into troubled relationships. I do not know if it is because of my addiction or just poor choices. Either way before I reach the stage past discernment my wife and i need to find healing. Right now she is very angry maybe because of deployment but i believe there are some stronger issues underneath. Pray for us. If you have any relational suggestions I would apreciate it Phil.

I could use the excuse of deployment for my lack of postings. I have been rereading Phil's book on 12 the steps. I finished the first chapter and was going through the questions at the end and realize I am very good at finding my faults. Hopefully I will find the second chapter liberating.
I have found two tools that have given me a little more stability. One praying the hours. I am in the process of associating myself with The Holy Cross Monastery in New York State. It is in both the Episcopal and Benedictine Tradition. They have been immensely supportive though email can lag sometimes. Two books that I would like to make into e books is there monastic breviary and little prayer book.
The second has been counseling. Its funny my wife has not changed her attitude remains hard and inflexible but I'm changing. I do not know where this relationship will end but I fight and beg less and less and find myself more and more in acceptance. Maybe not being in control is not as terrifying as I thought.

I am back after about of month of practicing fixed prayer or liturgy of the hours. It continues to be a great source of healing and aid in centering my thoughts during my storms of castastrophizing and negative thinking. I pray four times a day Lauds, Diurnum, Vespers and Compline. I have been using the monastic Breviary from Holy Cross Monastery, Divine Office by Phylis Tickle and the Oremus website. These Anglican resources but you can find tons of Catholic Lutheran and orthodox sites out there that do the same thing.
I am the third of Philip's book 12 steps working out the questions and having difficulty listing three talents. I can list three qualities but not necessarily three talents. I also have a good counselor. My wife and I are excited we are on leave so maybe my worst fears are just that examples of not turning everything to my higher power (Christ of course)

Hi still working through the 6th and 7th step. First taking the fearless inventory, sharing it with a trusted friend and then taking steps to change and turn over the baggage that I found taking the inventory. It has been slow with a lot of false steps. Anyone else please share your experience with the 6th and 7 step I would appreciate it. Sometimes it is discouraging to realize how many times I have gotten to this point only to go backwards all the way to the first step and have to start from the beginning.

Hi Jaan. These are two critical Steps -- right in the middle of the program. They deal with the attitudes (aka character defects) that are at the root of dysfunctional thinking and negative behavior.

I find it helpful to work backwards to discover these. So for example, when I notice a feeling, I try to get in touch with the underlying attitude and see what I can learn about it. Generally it goes something like this:

Glad/happy/positive feelings -- my wants and needs are being met.
Disappointed/hurt - wants and needs are not met.
Anger - a further elaboration of hurt and disappointment.
Fear - there's a threat of some kind.
Sad - a loss has been experienced.

So when I'm fearful, for example, I know I must be experiencing some kind of threat. What is it? Can I name it to myself and to my God? Would it help to share it with another person? Can I do anything attitudinally to reduce my perception of threat? Statements like "this, too, shall come to pass," or "that's not all that dangerous" can be very helpful, not to negate the feeling, but to put the sense of threat in perspective. Then it's a good time to offer the situation to God's care and let it go.

Thinking about dysfunctional thinking what was I thinking. I allowed my ambition and others to derail my recovery. I am back at ground zero. I am powerless over my selfishness(addiction). Even religion for me can be a source of addiction. The more liberal I become the more I excuse my behavior and I find it easier to leave my commitments. I am back in recovery and maybe God can save or resolve the toxic marriage I am currently in. I need all of your prayers I will keep everyone posted. I am scared of being alone and this time will be painful because of the honesty.

Wow my thread is still posted. Looking at my posts I can see how far I have come. I made some huge mistakes learning and relearning what it means to confess to be honest. In my posts I sensed a profound sadness and a unwillingness to be honest with those I love and myself. My cowardice interfeared with my working of the steps. It took me being caught in my web og lies to find freedom. I'm back and hope to continue posting and participating.

Sounds like you've had some positive growth and development

Hi Jaan,
Do you still use Phil's 12-step spirituality book?

I've recommended that to several people. It's
applicable to just about any kind of problem/ sin
or addiction.

been a little bit or as we say in the military a minute since I have read it but its a great book. I would also recommend the blue book of AA and the white book of SA both great books especially for reflection on the steps.

Yes but I started slipping real bad excusing my behaviour and lying heavily. It became so bad I began believing the lies myself. I also was allowing the moods of others to control my behaviour. When it all broke it hurt everyone close to me but it felt good not to ly to man up and say honestly this is what I did and allow people to be upset with me. My wife are working through my mess and the underlining causes. My addiction still tempts me but I am finally human and can talk about it the lys are currently gone.

Looking over my old replies and seeing where I was a couple of years ago gives me perspective. Being in the military and not living with my wife has convinced of the need to go back to the 12 step group that I use to attend. I have been rereading the book Becoming by My Romain. As in the song I can see clearly now selfishness is at the core of my issues. I am addicted to self lying and deception, relationships and other issues that keep me from others and succeeding. It is a good book and one I recommend highly.

Today I was reminded how easy I can fool myself. I was white knuckling my recovery saying to myself I can do this and not admitting to my selfishness and desire to hang on to my addiction. Letting go has always been difficult for me and trusting God. Forgiving myself has also been very difficult.