For those who've been terribly abused in childhood and especially by family, rushing them towards forgiveness is certainly a colossal failure in empathy. They will often feel assaulted by other's insisting that they "need to forgive" or they will never be healed as though one prayer will make the pain go away.

Yet the Bible is clear about the need to forgive those who hurt us; Jesus tells us plainly that unless we forgive our brother from our heart, God, the Father will not forgive us. This can seem like such a cruel Heavenly Father we have--one Who allows horrible sin to mangle us and then heaps guilt and condemnation on us for our inability to forgive--"from the heart" no less!

Here are some of my thoughts / attempts to make peace with this subject.

You are right (Clare) that forgiveness is easier said than done, but if one's *intention* is never turned toward at least wanting to release our abusers from the debt of our unforgiveness, then God will not move against our free will to affect this kind of healing. But how "free" is our will when we're mutilated in childhood?

It seems to me that forgiveness is an identity issue for those with severe, traumatic abuse. The very capacity to forgive assumes an "I" that is differentiated from the "You" in the position "I forgive you." In the case of early child abuse/trauma, where one's ego/body boundaries were violated, the victim's identity is undifferentiated from the abuser. Forgiveness is not possible until there is a more separate sense of self, which is why it takes a long time in many people.

In addition to that personality issue, it is important to understand what resistances to forgiveness are operating. I've noticed some of the following associations (conscious or unconscious) folks have with forgiveness that serve as obstacles to healing:

Forgiveness means:

the abuse never happened,

the perpetrator is not guilty,

I was not really a victim,

I will become vulnerable to the abuser again,

I must like or love the abuser again,

I have no right to be angry, etc.

Then there's the more straight-forward wish for revenge that some forms of abuse will engender. This response seems hard-wired in us (i.e., the "fight" response) and exists particularly in cases of sadistic abuse, however subtle.

Anybody want to share their reflections, comments, questions?

quote:

Originally posted by Shasha:

Forgiveness means:

the abuse never happened,

the perpetrator is not guilty,

I was not really a victim,

I will become vulnerable to the abuser again,

I must like or love the abuser again,

I have no right to be angry, etc.

Then there's the more straight-forward wish for revenge that some forms of abuse will engender. This response seems hard-wired in us (i.e., the "fight" response) and exists particularly in cases of sadistic abuse, however subtle.

Anybody want to share their reflections, comments, questions? [/QB]

Hi Shasha:

Yes, I have experienced the things you have
mentioned.
If I may add another as I find this a difficult
one at times. That, at least for me, I am not
in control of this process. That the
removal of the root to this is in God's timing.

That each time I experience this wound I am asked to experience my childhood fear that God would kill me. I am asked to see this situation differently and to die from my old way of understanding this situation & to trust a little
deeper in God. My old way of looking at it was a defense against this fear.

quote:

Originally posted by Ajoy:
[qb] [QUOTE]... I am not
in control of this process. That the
removal of the root to this is in God's timing.

... [/qb]

Right, we are not in control at all in the early phases of the healing process when so much of our personalities are actually organized around the abuse. To suggest to people that they "need to forgive" before they have a sense of a separate self is likely to short-circuit the process of repairing one's self image. But later, we can make choices to surrender our helplessness and pain more and more to God's redemptive plan. But we need the Body of Christ to come along side us to encourage, support, and pray for us. Eventually the invitation to forgive the abuser becomes more reasonable, doable, and even appealing.

Ajoy, I can see how the fear that God would kill you would certainly close the door to turning to God for protection! It puts you in a terrible bind, doesn't it?!

I'm not sure I understand your last sentence above about your "old way." Can you explain, please?

quote:

Originally posted by w.c.:
[qb] ... It is sane not to be close to people you can't trust.

... [/qb]

Right, that might be related to the obstacle I mention above: that forgiveness may feel like it means one needs to like /love the person, i.e., to be close/ become vulnerable again. With this fantasy in place, one may resist the work of forgiveness as a way to keep a safe distance.

Can you forgive a sadistic parent without feeling close to them or making yourself vulnerable or ever trusting them again? I think yes, but this isn't at all clear to people who are struggling against the persecutors whom they've internalized.

quote:

Originally posted by w.c.:
[qb] ...Another way I related to your description of differentiation is re: how the parts of me that were still in exile (not in conscious, bodily felt awareness), in the form of unhealed pain, were projections of my own energy. As this healed in me, at a certain point, forgiveness came rather easily; it kind of surprised me. The need for revenge was mostly gone, and a sense of mercy arose. None of this was really directly the product of an effort to forgive, or holding myself to a standard; however, there was an intention to forgive at certain points.... [/qb]

I like your description here w.c. of how forgiveness naturally seemed to follow healing rather than expecting it to occur the other way around--that is, holding forgiveness up as a standard at the starting point and expecting that healing would magically follow. As you know, this is quite an impossible formula for the severly abused.

When I pray with folks about forgiveness, I often ask "On a scale of 1-10, how much do you feel ready to forgive?" Most people know exactly what I mean by that. Nobody ever says 10! The question gives them permission to be human. Isn't there a saying "To err is human, to forgive is divine"?

quote:

Originally posted by w.c.:
[qb] ...It was really amazing. ...I was able to heal my relationship with my parents. My mother died recently, and she and I were able to really let this in over the last few years. No words were necessary. [/qb]

This reminds me of my father's passing years ago. I was blessed by our Lord to be in psychoanalytic treatment during the half year he lay in bed dying of cancer and so I could finish off grieving for the father that I never had. During my childhood, my dad could be explosive and harshly punitive at times; also he hurt me deeply with his emotional abuse/absence. At the same time, my father often lit up with joy when I walked into the room and I knew he adored me--mostly in secret.

I will never forget the look in his eyes a few days before he left his body. w.c., I'm telling you the truth. It was in one split second that I literally saw deeply "into" his soul. I had walked into his room to sit in silence and pray like I'd done many times over the months. He turned to look into my face and I saw a shot of deep grief/remorse for all the pain he had caused me. I saw that he directly experienced ALL of the pain--all of it at once! I wonder if this is our fate upon passing, that we will directly experience the pain we have caused others.

I see that forgiving my father was a true gift to him. My forgiveness directly limited his suffering. I have never, not once in the 8 years since he passed away, looked back on anything in my life that involves my father. I'm not avoiding or suppressing in any way, but there's no energy there, nothing pulling me back. It's as if the bond between us has dissolved, the memories are wiped clean, not forgotton, just thoroughly cleansed. Praise you, Jesus, that you do heal all wounds. Thank you, Father.

Sasha, I just want to express my deep gratitude for starting this profound thread! Thank you also, Ajoy and WC for every post, each one naked and very moving. They pull me into contemplation of wounds forgiven and wounds still carried.

I have a hard time separating trust from forgiveness. Although I have hardly suffered like SJC did, I relate a bit to what he wrote about detachment. My very little experience of detachment is a coolness, not a warm infusion of heart (unless the other person is receptive to me, and then a whole different relationship begins). But, it has been harmful and futile to offer up openness and honesty, with someone who has no intention of doing the same. I have sometimes felt that gullibility is a "sin", my ego wants to be seen so much in a certain way that I sacrifice integrity of heart. I don't really want the person as a friend, I don't even care if I am liked, much less loved, I just want to be free. But, deep down, always, I want to do the will of God. And that sometimes means I have to wait until I know how God is moving my heart. Jumping into forgiveness so that I'll be "good enough" for God sets my inner process backwards.

quote:

Originally posted by w.c.:
[qb] ... And so the hope we cling to won't dissolve until we feel the richness of love in our own hearts that runs as/more deeply as the wound.

... [/qb]

Right, I'm glad you bring up hope in this discussion. There is a strange way in which unforgiveness can often be clung to tenaciously as a means of holding on to hope that the abuser will change. One person said to me, "If I forgive X, once and for all, it will mean I am giving up on our marriage and this makes me sad."

Ah, ha! So unforgiveness is an angry, ambivalent attachment here. To give up unforgivness means to give up attachment to the object that one loves, hates, and hopes will change.

quote:

Originally posted by bdb:
[qb] I have a hard time separating trust from forgiveness. ... But, it has been harmful and futile to offer up openness and honesty, with someone who has no intention of doing the same. ... Jumping into forgiveness so that I'll be "good enough" for God sets my inner process backwards. [/qb]

Hi bdb,

Yes, trust seems tied to forgiveness, doesn't it? Many people say they are afraid to forgive because they are afraid to be vulnerable to that person who's hurt them. I see a need to differentiate between establishing self-protective boundaries and forgiveness. One still needs to protect oneself from future injury, and in cases of traumatic abuse, from the many memory triggers of abuse that are overwhelming. This is why many people must break all ties with abusive others in order to begin to heal.