Hello,

I have been going through a spiritual emergency for about two years or so, triggered by Buddhist vipassana meditation practice. I have an interest in Christian contemplative practice and I am wondering where my experience fits in. Buddhist practice generally requires long retreat time in order to make serious progress, but I do not have the time or opportunity to do retreats at this point in my life. Christian contemplation seems to offer a path that can be walked in day-to-day life.

In the winter of 2012, I read a book about "hard core" vipassana practice. Vipassana requires looking into the three marks of existence-- impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and absence of self. I found the book very inspiring and practiced in earnest throughout the day. The book had several warnings about the path being difficult, especially after a certain point of no return, but I never bothered to read the later chapters.

That night, I had a strange and vivid dream. The colors were very bright and it seemed like the sun was unnaturally bright as well. I dreamt I was sitting on a hill, wearing a robe. On a hill directly across from me was a large "army of darkness" that seemed to consist of demons. They charged at me with swords and my first instinct was to run, but instead, I spontaneously sat down and began to meditate as I had been doing the day before. The army surrounded me and tried to stab me, but as long as I meditated, their weapons could not hurt me.

Then, I had a deep realization: the army represented reality. As long as I meditated, reality could not cause me any suffering.

At this moment, there was a sound like rushing water, and all of reality-- I mean ALL of it-- exploded. It was as if it had been conquered or vanquished by my efforts.

I woke up in a sweat. My head felt strange. "Wow, what a strange dream!" I remembered how I had meditated in the dream, and how it seemed to happen automatically. I felt as if I had started something that could not be stopped.

The next year was a very difficult period in my life. Everything was deeply unsatisfactory. The things I used to enjoy no longer did so. My life, my job, and even the society around me seemed to be shoddily constructed. I often daydreamed about going to live in a cabin in the woods to get away from everything.

At the worst point, everything around me seemed to be rotting away into a horrifying nothingness. I had nightmares of being a dying animal, or being chased through a maze by a monster. When I closed my eyes, the little flickering dots that made up my visual field would twist and spin and make unnatural shapes that were nauseating. It felt as though all the fears I had ever had, including ones I didn't know that I had, were flooding to the surface. Suicide was a constant thought, but I also felt on a deep level that suicide would not solve my problems. Besides, I didn't want to leave my children fatherless.

After a few months of this, I was looking at a mandala, and I felt as though a knot untied in my chest and a fog lifted from my mind. There was a very peaceful, spacious feeling. However, this faded within a day.

After this, I re-read the book on meditation. I did not know I was having any kind of spiritual emergency, I thought I was just going mad! But after reading the later chapters, I was shocked. My experiences had panned out EXACTLY like the ancient Buddhist texts said they would.

The vivid dream of reality exploding was called the Arising and Passing Away. Immediately after the A&P comes a very difficult stage, the Dukkha Nanas, also called the Dark Night. The part where reality seemed to be rotting away and I saw crazy unpleasant shapes with my eyes closed was Re-Observation. When I felt spacious and peaceful, that was Equanimity.

Now, the successful meditator will move through Equanimity and attain Stream Entry, where the mind disappears into Nibbana for an instant and a new level of consciousness is born. However, since I was not actively meditating and did not know what was happening to me, I did not finish the process. I am in a weird and confusing place where I need start the process over and complete it, otherwise I will always be stuck where I am. My life is deeply unsatisfying and I feel I need to finish the process.

I contacted a vipassana meditation instructor who confirmed all my experiences. He was impressed that I had managed to make it as far as I did without help, but he also said that crossing the Arising and Passing Away without meditation experience is also surprisingly common. The big problem is, people then go into the Dark Night and have no idea what is happening. This meditation instructor meets these people fairly often, as most tend to turn towards spiritual practice during this time.

I was strongly advised to go on a meditation retreat and finish this process. However, I cannot. I have three kids and am the only one that works in my family. I don't even have time for twenty minutes of meditation during daily life, let alone a retreat! The meditation instructor advised 30 days at bare minimum for Stream Entry.

I am confused, frustrated, and looking for guidance. Does Christianity have a framework for this sort of psycho-spiritual process? Practices that can be done off the cushion or otherwise at home? I was raised in a Christian household but we were baptists, all we did was read the Bible and spiritual experiences were viewed with suspicion.

Any advice? :/

Welcome aboard, uua90. I sympathize with your position. Unfortunately we're the first generation in history to encounter these kinds of problems. Therefore there isn't a huge body of knowledge as to how to deal with them. Until a few decades ago, Christian contemplative practice was almost entirely confined to monasteries. Lay contemplatives, practicing in the world, were quite uncommon. We're also the first generation ever to be exposed in a serious way to both Eastern and Western traditions. Hence it's only recently that human beings have come across the kinds of difficulties you've just encountered.

I can offer a few suggestions, but I have no idea whether or not they'll work for you. To a large extent, you're being a pioneer. You'll have to be the judge of what works for you and what doesn't. The practices you might try are the Jesus Prayer, Christian Meditation as taught by John Main, and the Rosary. You might also try staying away from contemplative practice altogether for a while, and doing something simple like Bible study. The other members here -- there are only about half a dozen regulars on this board now -- might have some more suggestions for you. Do check back in and let us know how it goes.

PS I've just started reading this book, Dialogues With Emerging Spiritual Teachers by John W. Parker, and it reminds me that there are all these "quick" methods out there. They don't require cushion time. You might take a look at them, though they're not specifically Christian.

Thank you for the book recommendation. Seeing new psycho-spiritual systems emerge in the modern world is incredibly interesting to me, because they offer insights that are not (yet?) warped by years of tradition and dogma.

Hi uua90,

I sympathise as well, having experienced my fair share of spiritual emergency. Thanks for sharing your story.

Whenever things got really rough for me, I had to back off meditation and prayer until things eased up. It seemed to exacerbate the situation. But it's impossible to stop the process entirely once you're so far into it, right?

From a Christian perspective, the techniques Derek mentioned are great, especially the Jesus Prayer, although it can be intense and stir energies quite quickly. Lectio Divina is gentler. Both involve a relationship with Christ to some degree though and I don't know how this works for you. It can be on your own terms, as I'm finding increasingly suits me, or involve full immersion in Church teaching. There you might meet a lot of the dogma and tradition you mention - but that's a whole other discussion. Perhaps a more open church - Episcopal, Lutheran - might allow you to experience the Eucharist too, which is very healing, or you might just go into a Catholic church and sit before the Blessed Sacrament, which can be very powerful and devotional, especially with Easter approaching. Whatever the case, a devotional relationship with Jesus as part of daily practise is a very sweeet thing.

My feeling is that there is great purpose in spiritual practise these days, and that struggles and tribulations are part of it. It's almost as if we're not only struggling against our own lack of faith and uncertainty, but against cosmic forces and negative energies in the world. I'm convinced though that we are being aided by angels, guides, saints, family members who have passed on, and of course Jesus and Mary too. I'm also convinced there's a kind of awakening at different levels, so it might encourage you to tune into spiritual teachers and communities who embody that positive thrust.

Anyone best wishes, and keep us informed.

Thank you, samson, for your response.

quote:

Whenever things got really rough for me, I had to back off meditation and prayer until things eased up. It seemed to exacerbate the situation. But it's impossible to stop the process entirely once you're so far into it, right?

Yes, I have backed off meditating, and things have resumed some kind of facade of normalcy. The biggest difference I see in myself, though, is that the usual defense mechanisms that arise in situations seem fake. It is hard to explain. Thus, I feel like my mood is a little less stable than it used to be. Nothing too awful, though.

quote:

From a Christian perspective, the techniques Derek mentioned are great, especially the Jesus Prayer, although it can be intense and stir energies quite quickly.

I've experimented with the Jesus prayer, but never spent much time with it. Can you explain, in a little more detail, what exactly you mean by "it stirs energies quickly"? I'm a little wary of practices that are considered powerful, as my experience with vipassna was quite intense, and I got catapulted into some very profound territory without being properly prepared.

How is the Jesus Prayer different than using a prayer word in Centering Prayer? Is the intent different?

quote:

Lectio Divina is gentler. Both involve a relationship with Christ to some degree though and I don't know how this works for you. It can be on your own terms, as I'm finding increasingly suits me, or involve full immersion in Church teaching. There you might meet a lot of the dogma and tradition you mention - but that's a whole other discussion.

I suspect that dogma is a natural part of spiritual systems and being human, unfortunately. Buddhism has its own fair share of dogma.

quote:

Perhaps a more open church - Episcopal, Lutheran - might allow you to experience the Eucharist too, which is very healing, or you might just go into a Catholic church and sit before the Blessed Sacrament, which can be very powerful and devotional, especially with Easter approaching. Whatever the case, a devotional relationship with Jesus as part of daily practise is a very sweeet thing.

My history with Christianity is complex and not always pleasant, I've struggled with it in the past. Ironically, I am always drawn to this particular framework when it comes to spiritual development.

uua90, welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing your story.

Re. a question you asked Samson about Jesus Prayer: it's similar to Centering Prayer, only you use the prayer phrase, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me." (there are longer versions; can be synchronized with breath, etc. etc.)

That's a contemplative method, but I think the larger question has to do with faith. Buddhists have a kind of faith in their teachings, teachers and practices, trusting that they will lead to an experience of liberation (enlightenment, nirvana, etc.). We've had a lot of discussion here about that kind of journey, and its compatibility with a Christian contemplative journey. Both do lead one through encounter with unconscious material and metaphysical "powers and principalities," only in different ways, and with a different kind of integration (eventually).

What one must decide somewhere along the way is why one is doing what one is doing, and what one hopes to accomplish. I understand that in the heat of spiritual emergency, the issues are simpler, but eventually you'll need to come to some clarity about what you're doing, and why. Do you want to be a Buddhist and complete the journey described in your book with the coaching of Buddhist teachers? If so, Christian meditative practices won't be of much help at all, and you'll have to decide where you are with Christ.

If you're wanting to turn from the road you've been on to follow Christ, then I'm not sure how continuing vipassana and related meditations will fit in, as they're dynamically oriented toward enlightenment consciousness. You'll need to decide who Jesus is for you, and if you will put your faith in him. Jesus has navigated his way through horrible realms of darkness and can safely lead us through, only this is a different kind of spiritual journey, one centered in him, with disciplines that open us to the flow of Spirit he shares with us.

Hi
I am a Tibetan Buddhist teacher and a kundalini therapist and I think I can say a few things about your experience. I am not familiar with the vipassana terminology you mentioned but I do understand what you describe.

From the Tibetan Buddhist perspective you have gone into the extreme of nihilism. That means that you have started to understand more deeply the futility of most of our aims and dealings. You have lost a lot of your illusions, which is a good thing but you have not really focussed of what is real and good and worthwhile to pursue. That is why it is called an extreme of nihilism - everything feels fake and worthless. The natural result is the depression you describe.

I don't know why they think that this should be a necessary part of the journey in your book because from the Tibetan Buddhist point it is an aberration or extreme that should be avoided.

In practice that means that meditations that de-construct our ego and illusory perception of reality need to be balanced with a focus on love and compassion. Love and compassion is the dazzling light that makes it all worthwhile again and brings a sense of new purpose.

So, here is my advice
1. Do not do any more vipassana meditation - it would only aggravate you further
2. Focus on devotional practices (to Christ, Buddhist deities or whoever you feel attracted to) and meditation on loving kindness
3. I see no reason why Buddhism and Christianity cannot be combined. In Germany Catholism they practice a lot of zen meditation, for example
4. Avoid retreats like the plaque - you are vulnerable and it could precipitate a major crisis (I treat the fall-outs from this all the time)

Please ask more, if you do not understand my explanations. I am happy to help.

quote:

That's a contemplative method, but I think the larger question has to do with faith. Buddhists have a kind of faith in their teachings, teachers and practices, trusting that they will lead to an experience of liberation (enlightenment, nirvana, etc.). We've had a lot of discussion here about that kind of journey, and its compatibility with a Christian contemplative journey. Both do lead one through encounter with unconscious material and metaphysical "powers and principalities," only in different ways, and with a different kind of integration (eventually).

What one must decide somewhere along the way is why one is doing what one is doing, and what one hopes to accomplish. I understand that in the heat of spiritual emergency, the issues are simpler, but eventually you'll need to come to some clarity about what you're doing, and why. Do you want to be a Buddhist and complete the journey described in your book with the coaching of Buddhist teachers? If so, Christian meditative practices won't be of much help at all, and you'll have to decide where you are with Christ.

If you're wanting to turn from the road you've been on to follow Christ, then I'm not sure how continuing vipassana and related meditations will fit in, as they're dynamically oriented toward enlightenment consciousness. You'll need to decide who Jesus is for you, and if you will put your faith in him. Jesus has navigated his way through horrible realms of darkness and can safely lead us through, only this is a different kind of spiritual journey, one centered in him, with disciplines that open us to the flow of Spirit he shares with us.

Hi Phil, and thank you for your response.

I don't strictly consider myself either Buddhist or Christian or really anything for that matter. I have always been interested in spirituality and have experimented with different systems over a few years, and vipassana is simply what got the ball rolling.

As for Buddhism and Christianity leading to two different outcomes, this has been something I've wondered about. Bernadette Roberts and Meister Eckhart seem to have experiences that fit in with a Buddhist framework, but there are many other Christian mystics with different experiences. I find it all rather complicated, and one day I decided to simply practice rather than try to integrate various frameworks.

quote:

I don't know why they think that this should be a necessary part of the journey in your book because from the Tibetan Buddhist point it is an aberration or extreme that should be avoided.

Hi KundaliniTherapist, thank you for your input. It certainly does seem to be what I experienced.

The Dark Night is just a name for the third vipassna jhana. This jhana corresponds with "Tranquility" of the seven factors of enlightenment. Thus, it is not necessarily bad. It's complex, it's deep, but it doesn't have to be bad. But when you don't have good concentration, and stumble into the territory on your own, things can be very unpleasant. This is what happened to me.

The book I read was written by someone trained in the Burmese school of thought. The Burmese are very interesting in that they don't emphasize concentration as a prerequisite for insight practice. You just sit on the cushion and dive right in, experiencing the three characteristic in as many sensations per second as you can muster. Done well, with a good teacher, you can make fast progress. But done without guidance, as I did, things get rough.

There are actually sixteen "nanas" or "knowledges" on the path to stream entry, mapped by Mahasi Sayadaw. Listing them is probably tedious to read but they are:

Mind and Body; Cause and Effect; the Three Characteristics; Arising and Passing Away, Dissolution, Fear, Misery, Disgust, Desire for Deliverance, Re-observation, Equanimity, Conformity, Change of Lineage, Path.

quote:

Originally posted by uua90:
Hello,

I have been going through a spiritual emergency for about two years or so, triggered by Buddhist vipassana meditation practice. I have an interest in Christian contemplative practice and I am wondering where my experience fits in. Any advice? :/

Hi uua90,

When I read your story I was reminded of Brother Lawrence. One need not go on any retreats or take special time away from family obligations. He shares with us what it means to constantly be in God's presence.
http://www.ccel.org/ccel/lawrence/practice
Author: Lawrence, Brother (Nicholas Herman, c. 1605-1691)Free copy of book available

I second what Phil has said about needing to make a decision about what path & practices you wish to follow. Perhaps a place to start would be to compare what you have written about Dark Night & what St. John of the Cross writes about 2 Dark Nights .

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mary Sue,

From Kundalinitherapist:

quote:

3. I see no reason why Buddhism and Christianity cannot be combined. In Germany Catholism they practice a lot of zen meditation, for example.

Zen meditation is a fairly neutral discipline, but even then, those who use it in their practice need to know what they're doing, and why. That was my main point. There are reasons why Buddhists practice the kinds of disciplines they do, and why Christians pursue different ones. Spiritual disciplines take their cues from the theologies and philosophies that inform their respective traditions.

Unless one is clear about what one believes, and why, and why one is doing certain disciplines, there is the danger of ecclecticism and fragmentation as one can easily lose the transformative dynamic of discipleship and submission to a higher truth.

From uua90:

quote:

As for Buddhism and Christianity leading to two different outcomes, this has been something I've wondered about. Bernadette Roberts and Meister Eckhart seem to have experiences that fit in with a Buddhist framework, but there are many other Christian mystics with different experiences.

I know BR and have read a great deal of Eckhart. Neither would consider themselves to be in the Buddhist tradition, though BR has been all over the place in her explanations of her experiences. She was also obviously well-acquainted with local zen communities and zen practice.

But, for sure, there have been Christian mystics with very deep and profound unitive experiences. It's tempting to say that all mystical experiences are fundamentally the same, and while that might be true in some manner (trans-egoic, attuned to oneness, compassionate, etc.), it's impossible to ignore the contribution of religious faith to the experience and the understanding of it. There are good reasons why the world religions (even in their mystical traditions) haven't collapsed into one system.

I am sure it's fair to say that all religions have in common that they aim for the true and the good and try to dismantle falsehood and badness (what is good and bad seems to the same in all religions).

To my knowledge there are four different approaches to accomplish these aims and the religions differ in how much they emphasise each of these approaches.

1. Devotion to or union with a divine being
2. Development of virtues like compassion, forgiveness and service to others (in my opinion this is where Christianity has done better than all other religions)
3. Intellectual de-construction of false assumptions (this seems to be the strong point of vipassana)
4. Work with kundalini that facilitates and stabilises number 1 to 3 (strong point of Tibetan Buddhism and parts of Hinduism)

As you can see most religions are stronger in some points and weaker in others or even leave some points completely out (e.g. kundalini work in Christianity or mainstream Islam or in Taoism the other way round - the energy work takes centre stage to the detriment of the other points. )

Coming back to the vipassana: if you only focus on deconstruction of your illusory assumptions about reality you end up with nothing and sink into a suicidal depression, which seems to have happened to uua90. The remedy is to complement this approach with devotion and maybe also with energy work.

quote:

Unless one is clear about what one believes, and why, and why one is doing certain disciplines, there is the danger of ecclecticism and fragmentation as one can easily lose the transformative dynamic of discipleship and submission to a higher truth.

I'm not sure about this. Surely beliefs change and develop as we grow. We are fluid and adaptable and engaged with mystery. It's ok not to know. Especially concerning doctrine, dogma, theology. It seems that a clear understanding of why we do what we do might also lead to a certain control being exercised over the process. Engaging with mystery is more a matter of surrender. Faith is not so much about believeing certain ideas (truths?), but about trusting and surrendering to love and divine will. I'm all for eclecticism and fragmentation - a bit of this, a bit of that often makes for the best recipe. I do think a loving intention is essential though, and trust and surrender are crucial, but belief is flexible and changes as we grow to understand ourselves.

It also assumes that revelation is complete, when in reality it's constantly expanding as we bring new light to it from various disciplines and deeper self-knowledge from spiritual practise. Of course there is a huge wealth of wisdom in different traditions, but often belief is based on ideas which become stale and outmoded. You might say one can get easily swept away if there is no foundational truth, but by what? - by more ideas? Beliefs are fine and good and interesting and one should have them and engage with them, but they aren't necessarily the foundation for spiritual practise. Our anchor of truth is simply a sense of the soul resting lovingly in God (devotion), however that manifests for each individual. It's not about the ideas and interpretations which rise out of that. The more one attaches to ideas or beliefs (as dogma), the fainter the true light shed on the soul, which is light within Light. You might also say that that is simply a belief too, but I highlight the word SENSE and draw on the word FAITH more than belief.

Stephen, I didn't say anything about dogmas or certainty or being non-adaptable, etc. I do like your note about faith in relation to beliefs, though the two are not completely separate.

Part of the problem in so many discussions these days is that people have such a narrow view of "mind" and "intellect," viewing them as obstacles to mystical knowledge because of "beliefs" and "concepts" and the like. Traditionally (in Catholicism, at least), the intellect was understood to be the activity of the human spirit ordered to truth, wisdom and understanding. Intellect informs the will and is also informed by the psyche and its images and emotions. I've written a great deal about all that in my God, Self and Ego books.

So when I talk about knowing "what one believes, and why, and why one is doing certain disciplines," I am referring to this broader understanding of the intellect and its necessary participation in the life of faith, prayer, surrender, loving and so forth. Religious faith configures one's orientation to and openness to God, and different religious faiths do this differently. So it's important for one to at least be clear about what religious superhighway one travels, as this will influence the kinds of disciplines and practices that will be helpful on the journey.

quote:

Our anchor of truth is simply a sense of the soul resting lovingly in God (devotion), however that manifests for each individual. It's not about the ideas and interpretations which rise out of that.

It really is that simple . . . and complicated! For note how you have already presumed a God who is lovingly disposed to accept your rest. The history of world religions indicates many contrary images of God. Also, the "ideas and interpretations" that arise out of that rest are not separate from it, but influence its integration.

- - -

In relation to the thread topic, uua90 noted: I don't strictly consider myself either Buddhist or Christian or really anything for that matter. I have always been interested in spirituality and have experimented with different systems over a few years, and vipassana is simply what got the ball rolling.

Vipassana is a Buddhist ball rolling toward Buddhist enlightenment experience. Christian and other disciplines might be helpful to help manage some of the fireworks that ensue from the practice, but that won't deter the direction to which the practice is ultimately oriented. At some point, it would seem, one would need to decide whether one wants to be a Buddhist or not, as such intellectual conviction is actually necessary for properly integrating the experience. A Christian, for example, can suffer through a dark night if he or she believes it to deepen union with Christ; without such convictions, dark nights are intolerable. Intellectual conviction helps to provide a "container" of sorts to contextualize and integrate an experience.