This experience happened some years back but it stays with me, and was the impetus for much seeking on my part down through the years. I'll keep it as brief as possible.
It involves the death of a young lady that I cared for, and how it affected me. I met her following my conversion to Christainity, amidst all the blessings and sweetness entailed therein for a new Christian. I fell in love with her and used to pray that she would become my wife. We worked a small ministry together and were often in contact, but I kept my feelings hidden for the most part. I felt that I was a work in progress and that I could bring harm to both of us if I pursued romance at that time. In my imagination I could see the two of us growing in Christ until a later date when we could be brought together.
But in time the sweetness of the Christian experience left her. I didn't understand until later, when it left me also. It wasn't supposed to happen that way...
We both left the church we belonged to and wandered our separate ways for years. She was never far from my thoughts, however. There were failed relationships for both of us. One day a chance meeting between us led to renewed correspondence, and for me, renewed hopes. I felt that God was answering all those prayers of mine from years back. At one point, the Spirit gave me such an assurance of us being together that I thanked Him and praised Him out loud.
Once again though, events didn't follow my expectations. There was another drifting apart that lasted a two or three years if I remember correctly. I was devastated at the way things fell out. One day a relative came to me with an obituary. Her name and picture were in it. The cancer had taken her very quickly. I never got to say goodbye; I didn't even know of her illness.
The grief, heartache, and terrible yearnings inside forced me to seek God in desperate prayer. There was also a need I had inside to contact her, to explain, to apologize, to convey what was in my heart... I could not work or do much of anything for days. Then one time, during prayer, I was pulled into something deeper. I would describe it as like a burning love. It suspended the senses but I never lost consciousness. I was one with the love. The way I experienced it was as the burning love of the Lover for the Beloved. It was very powerful, really beyond words. I took up a pen and wrote as the simple words flowed from this love in the form of a short poem.
I have never had an experience quite like that before and I have never had one since. Neither have I felt the need to seek it. As brief as it was, it changed a mere concept held in the mind into a living experience and I have never looked at spiritual things in the same way since.
Sometime later I ran across Evelyn Underhill's description of "automatic script" and much of what she said seemed to fit with what I experienced at that time.
If you are reading and have any thoughts, they would be most welcome here.
I was really moved by your beautiful story. How sad that you lost your friend in those circumstances. We earthlings are left with so much unfinished business when certain people die. But I believe there can still be deep healing of that relationship with the deceased through prayer, and you responded to that intuition.
And it certainly seems that the Lord was revealing Himself to you as your Beloved. As you know, the Saints talk about the Lover and the Beloved as the best language for mystical union. SJOC and many others were like walking torches of burning love. Only God knows how He will fulfill your deepest heart's desires for love, and I hope & pray that it's very soon...
Tim.. i agree with Shasha.. that the Lord was revealing Himself to you as your Beloved...
i am also deeply touched by your story.. thank you so much for sharing.
Shasha and Christine,
Thank you both for reading and for your kindness and understanding. Take care friends and have a good day tomorrow.
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