This seems the subtlest of all the sinful, fallen dispositions, and the one that makes our dependence upon Jesus so obviously different than what can come from kundalini episodes that might otherwise be indirectly transformative and symptomatically important, or obvious, along the way. And aridity really does seem the path where He procures changes that we can't meddle with. The two saints I've known were truly humble people, just as one would expect. They easily took delight in the happiness of others and were therfore not threatened or pinched by somebody else's growth or blessings; its' that slight little pinch that shows us the spiritual pride, I think. All those little moments where I try to get something "my way," or moments of pride over my "growth," or importance. Besides, real spiritual growth is, in a sense, only for the glory of God and the benefit of others, so what we seem to want is really our own udoing in a way that only grace can make possible.

But rather than mostly shame in response to spiritual pride, I feel more humor (mixed with sadness). It's a humor that just has me shaking my head at how foolish I am without even knowing it. It must have been really hard for the disciples to be around Him without being able to laugh at themselves. Once, He called two or three of them "sons of thunder" for wanting to be special. And Peter, even after Jesus layed his wounded conscience bare after the resurrection, was still jealous of the "other disciple," the "one Jesus loved," and asked Jesus "what about him?" Then he turns around, about ten years later, and gets rebuked by Paul in front of the entire church. But what does he do in reponse to this? He apparently admits his sin, and Paul stays on for two weeks living in Peter's home! That calloused, hard-a_ _ fisherman became pretty meek, and not by gentle touches necessarily. And Paul could be pretty full of himself, too.

I'm not sure there's much to say on this subject, since it is only His own hand that can purify our longings so they flow directly from within His graces. I can be aware of spiritual pride, to a limited degree, after the fact, or sometimes in the midst of its pleasant little fury, but have no power to render it different, heal it, or purify it. Wow! What a relief!! (LMAO!!)

It's really strange how we people can make everything about ourselves... Contemplative graces are pure gift, but we're still able to lift ourselves because of them: it is WE who received them...

My two temptations connected with spiritual pride are:

1. subtle shift of attention to my person as a place in which the Lord is revealing His love, instead of adhering to the Gift of Love itself. I'm aware of those moments in prayer when my attention and focus tends to move from the Love itself to "me" as the one in whom the whole thing is taking place - even if I let go of all control, there's still this movement possible.

2. shifting between the awareness that I'm being sanctified and safeguarded from sin (thankfulness, undeservedness, total dependence on Jesus' grace) and the awareness that, therefore, I'm morally "better" than myself before, than other people, bla, bla, bla... Again - focus on the Lord/focus on myself.

There's also unconscious pride - the one I might be totally unaware of, but it may be visible in my words, actions, feelings, thoughts. Feedback from other people would be needed to shed light on this kind of pride.

Isn't it what caused Lucifer fall? Just shifting attention and will from the Lord to himself - but permanently, since he is out of time and his decision is once and for all?

Mt:

I'd imagine that as folks are further sanctified these imperfections become more obvious; but it may be that spiritual pride in some form is always with us until after death, which is rather humbling. My own form of it isn't so subtle, which in a way is good. However, if Paul, who apparently never saw in this life the transformation of his "thorn," was continually subject to this fallen condition, then the rest of us might as well accept it as our own course (good that he didn't name his thorn, as we can all take some comfort in seeing it in various ways). Not that we don't retain hope, and consent willingly, but there is also the painful and abusive and ridiculous option of false piety, of being overly fastidious, and unaware of our tendencies for what they are, which would be a worse situation. Such seriousness without a sense of humor to bind us together in recognition of a common need is much worse, it seems to me.

At Easter Mass this morning I wasn't at all feeling like a worthy Christian. In fact, my tendencies felt like unhealable brokenness. As I looked occasionally at all the other faces, many of whom attend only occasionally, there was a strange sense of belonging. Now that theme has much to do with my own "thorn," not having any close family, or a girlfriend as a companion - just a few friends I see occasionally. Unfortunately my own parents were so ruthless and selfish that there just wasn't much nourishment internalized early on, and so staying the course with a woman has always eluded my strengths.

But what of the people who are completely forlorn? Those who have no sense of purpose or meaning outside their alcohol or drugs or some other addiction, who may be homeless or verging on it, are in fact His very own, "the poorest of the poor." So if we find a part of ourselves this poor, seemingly unhealable, what are we to do? Wherever we turn - to God, or to serve the good of others - we find our imperfections, and maybe one or two intractable ones in particular.

Not that this was your own question, but for me it bears upon the whole array of human deficiencies. I can't imagine holiness would mean anything genuine unless it served others who are more lost, or immersed more so in darkeness. Your growth, which seems more open and perhaps a bit braver than mine, is for my benefit. Somebody out there who is more holy than you serves you in a similar way, and that person has his or her own teacher, and on and on throughout the body of Christ, which has only one head. We are most certainly not a virgin bride.

I'd rather be toward the "last," and know it, then think of myself as a proficient (which I have fallen prey to before) and eventually have to take the fall and perhaps not be ready to accept the grave disappointment.

I recall an 8-day directed retreat I made years ago, during which time I became acutely aware of how self-righteous I was. It's like the Lord was rubbing my nose in it, saying, "see what I have to put up with?" It was serious stuff, but not in the least bit shaming -- very humorous, in fact. I could not help but laugh at myself, not in scorn or derision, but almost in relief -- like I was this clown who thought he was a scholar, mystic, etc. God's sense of humor was real to me, and very freeing!

I'm not sure I'd agree that a movement to self-awareness -- even in graced periods -- is an indication of spiritual pride. To my understanding, pride doesn't enter in until some kind of judgment is made, especially of the sort where one considers how advanced one is, or how deserving, how much better than another, etc. Even then, there may be a certain amount of truth in the consideration; clinging to it in a self-defining manner would be the problem, in my opinion.

Gratitude seems to be the antidote to spiritual pride (and a great many other things). To be aware that all is gift -- even the free choices we make -- helps to keep the sense of "deservingness" and self-righteousness in check. It's also an exercise that we can practice throughout the day -- very simple.

Hi w.c.
I thank God for what He is doing in your life. He is clearly using you to put words and bring meaning to largely invisible, elusive pain and suffering that most people don’t see. You draw people into a deeper honesty and freedom within themselves. In your sharing, you are food to the hungry.
Yes, it really sucks to be limited in our capacity to engage in a loving adult relationship that endures and is strengthened by hardship, one in which you can totally relax and be yourself. This is why I cried reading Phil and Lisa's book on marriage--so far from this kind of bonding. And it’s hard to accept that God would choose (/allow) not to bless all of us in this way, to give us that humanly imperfect, but Heaven-ordained soul mate and companion. Yet, I see that this is the case in about 80% plus people around me—myself included. I see and hear it every day. And I think you intuitively feel that such a blessing would put an end (or at least bring great relief) to the restless mind / hypervigelence torment, and even the spiritual pride temptations are tangled up in that. Just a wild hunch that you are free to reject, of course.

With regard to spiritual pride, I do see that it can be subtle, so subtle too that it is easy to project. And our own issues of envy can tend to want to spoil other’s spiritual gifts with these projections. It’s tricky business and I don’t think there’s a clear-cut set of objective criteria for what constitutes when somebody is coming from a place of spiritual pride. The same thoughts/feelings/actions could be motivated by making certain self-righteous judgments or coming from a place of love and reality assessment (as Phil points out). I do sense it’s easier to detect spiritual pride in others a lot quicker than in myself.

Also, there’s usually a mixture of multiple motives going on, the loving & self sacrificing variety right next door to the more immature ones. And in crisis or in a stage of rapid growth this tangle becomes more evident.

Humor, yes, I laughed at myself recently too about this. One of my former students recently nominated me for some distinguished teacher thingy. I had this simultaneous happy, honored, yeah, go-me reaction and also I thought, “Say what! This student is being a bit hyperbolic in her descriptions, isnt’ she?!”

Sometimes we mistake immaturity or lack of knowledge for spiritual pride. Impulses toward exhibitionism, fantasies of omnipotence and grandiosity, and just plain old regulating of self-esteem needing to find stability are at work. IMO, we tend to lump together what too much under pride, the horrible sin umbrella, when personality issues are at work and need empathy.

Since we’re taking turns confessing our spiritual pride issues, here goes. I see how my vanity (a kind of pride?) gets tangled up with my spiritual growth. For instance, while fasting for a sick person or a group of people, I’ll think, “Ya know, if I keep this up a few more days, I’ll be able to fit into my six 6 dresses again!”…multiple motives here folks.
Also, I used to struggle the sharing of my spiritual experiences and growth wondering about my motivation. Am I coming from a place of wanting to shine, receive admiration, etc. I wonder? I have spent many an analytic hour reflecting on this issue. Eventually, I came to feel that my impulse to share was out of love and tends to lift people’s consciousness to the Lord. In my best moments, I am able to take real pleasure in what God is doing in me, the little me. I can often be at peace with wanting, with all my heart, to be a saint and receive all of God’s gifts and blessings. Thank you Shalom Place as you have helped me in this way.

I think there’s a healthy sense of self-love, a healthy narcissism, if you will, which is why we can laugh, take pleasure in our little selves, which is more fun when we can do it with others.

Thanks, W.C., for writing about "thorn".
I also think about that - I have mine too, and I'm still not sure if I accept that I'll live with it until the end of this life...
Funny thing, but I was reminded of my thorn during the Liturgy of the Paschal Vigil - in the midst of mystical graces: here it is! So I take your experience as a kind of confirmation that God loves us even more when we are aware and ready to admit our weaknesses and pains.

Even though the grace of Jesus keeps me now from doing many things I used to do, I don't feel "perfect" at all. In comparison with the pure Love that the Trinity is, I feel so helpless and hopeless. For me it's the experience of non-loving-ness. I just feel I can't love, I can't love properly or enough... perhaps, some narcissistic stuff here, too. But sometimes I think: I've been receiving so much, and... what of it?! I can't even love people enough to do justice the Love I'm loved by. So this is a constant reminder of how little is my ability to love.

During the Good Friday Liturgy it became a painful realization. Undeservingness and all that. I said to Jesus, crying: "you died on the cross, you suffered so much, and me... what can I do?" And suddenly Jesus has spoken to me in my thoughts: "There was no other way. Don't cry, my son. Help me love". I said to Him: "Help YOU love? How's that possible? I can't love by myself, I'm nothing, I'm dust, so how can I help you?" I heard an answer: "Be a sign of my love".

Still the idea of "helping" is not understandable to me, on a deep level I guess I reject it somehow, by not feeling worthy, but the rejection might be just the effect of the fear of transformation, which W.C. speaks about sometimes. I do want to help Him, to be a sign. But when I look at Him, I feel like less than nothing...

So when I read, Shasha, your account of your dream with me, I thought: "Love pouring out of ME? No, it's impossible... I'm not able to share this love, I'm too selfish." I guess it's a kind of reverse spiritual pride: rejecting our dignity as Sons and Daughters of the Almighty. You put this very accurately: healthy narcissism, and being proud of who we are in Christ. So here I am - between two extremes, "I'm perfect" and "I'm not able to do any good". I just hope that God will use me to the benefit of others despite my weaknesses.

W.C. and Shasha,
I'm moved by both your sharing about love relationships - I have found deep love after years of search and going astray, and struggling with my fear of intimacy and love. I feel a seal of HS on our relationship, a seal which will become full when we'll receive the sacrament in few months. It's an amazing experience to love for all eternity and to feel that this is exactly what God wants for me, for us. We're just beginning to work on our relationship and there are many trials yet to come, but there's still much grace, and good will on our part.
I will pray for you, for the healing of your relationships, and, please, pray for me and my girlfriend, so that we could embody the Trinity in our marriage and family. Maybe this is a way to "help" Him love?

quote:

Originally posted by Shasha:

Yes, it really sucks to be limited in our capacity to engage in a loving adult relationship that endures and is strengthened by hardship, one in which you can totally relax and be yourself. This is why I cried reading Phil and Lisa's book on marriage--so far from this kind of bonding. And it’s hard to accept that God would choose (/allow) not to bless all of us in this way, to give us that humanly imperfect, but Heaven-ordained soul mate and companion. Yet, I see that this is the case in about 80% plus people around me—myself included. I see and hear it every day. . .

Just replying to this part of your post, Shasha, which has so much more to share.

Lisa and I have been married over 32 years now, and, yes, we did write a book together some years ago. But it hasn't always been peace and joy. Even after writing the book, there were tough times, trips to the counselor, and deep frustrations by both of us. So I don't want to give the wrong impression about our marriage. There has been woundedness in both of us from family of origin issues, and the most common problem has been to expect the other to compensate for this somehow. I think that's true in even the best of marriages, along with a whole host of other issues. Hanging in there and working with the relationship is indeed a blow to spiritual pride, and an ongoing lesson in loving. I very much believe that Christ is a third party in Christian marriage, and that He supplies what is lacking if we turn to him. That's true for anyone.

Shasha:

No, I don't consciously believe that an intimate relationship with a woman would bring peace or resolution to the inner conflict, even if there was fairly good compatiblity. In fact, I avoid such relationships because they stir up those insecurities even more. Over the past 8 years or so I am better able to face these pains without projecting them so unconsciously, but this hasn't been tested in the fires of relational intimacy (beyond friendship) yet. About 15 years ago I dismissed the notion of "I just haven't met the right woman!"

I certainly agree with your distinction between lack of awareness/immaturity and spiritual pride. The more healing for the former, the kinder we'll likely be on ourselves as we become aware of the latter.

And thanks for those kind words.



Mt:

I have felt the way you describe at times, but probably not with the depth of grief that occurs as you go through something more like Teresa's 5th mansion purifications.

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:
[...So I don't want to give the wrong impression about our marriage. There has been woundedness in both of us from family of origin issues, and the most common problem has been to expect the other to compensate for this somehow. ...

Oh, sure Phil. I wasn't idealizing your marriage. I understood that.

Yes, expecting the other to compensate for family of origin problems...the way that I see problems arise, in virtually every couple, is that they unconsciously try to extract from their spouse what they didn't get from their parents, which you know, is impossible. The repetition compulsion is so pervasive and destructive until much conscious integration of early loss / deprivation. Otherwise it will be reliving the same insults and injuries from childhood.

In the morning I had a meeting with my spiritual director. She helped me to see that this is also part of my narcissism as my "thorn" - when I'm trying to hide behind this "I'm not worthy" not to be exposed to God's love which I may be simply afraid of. It sounds true to me. Or afraid rather of what the demands of such love are. Afraid of what I might be like or do when surrendered to that love.

I had an experience on Thursday which for a moment blew me out of those two poles of narcissism. I don't remember if I didn't post it in another thread, but, anyway:

I was crying during the Mass, that I don't deserve so much from God, and I thanked Him over and over again in tears, when suddenly I received an insight, an experience which I can describe as a huge smile from God and I heard in my head: "You're welcome". In a moment I realized that the Lord actually LOVES IT, He loves to give us Himself. Suddenly, I understood that the Trinity is just this joy of the Father giving Himself totally to the Son, and the Son to the Father in the Holy Spirit, and that this is just who God is. So this is His joy to pour grace on me and draw me into this dance of giving and receiving through the humanity of Christ. And this is ME who is making such a drama out of it. Of course, feelings of gratitude, praise, and even unworthiness are a grace themselves and keep us away from spiritual pride, but I felt invited to just let God give His gifts, without making such a big deal out of MYSELF - unworthy, unloving, undeserving, bla, bla, bla... This is my temptation, I guess, it's not easy for me not to hang onto this "minus" pole of narcissism, since the "plus" pole is impossible when I'm confronted with purity of God's Love and my own impurity.

quote:

Originally posted by Mt:
. . . So this is His joy to pour grace on me and draw me into this dance of giving and receiving through the humanity of Christ. And this is ME who is making such a drama out of it. Of course, feelings of gratitude, praise, and even unworthiness are a grace themselves and keep us away from spiritual pride, but I felt invited to just let God give His gifts, without making such a big deal out of MYSELF - unworthy, unloving, undeserving, bla, bla, bla... .

LOL! Yes, that's very good!

Somewhere in the Gospels about saying "yes" when we mean "yes" and no when we mean "no" -- and I guess "thank you" when we are grateful.

- - -

Good to know you didn't overly idealize my marriage, Shasha. It's a dangerous thing, writing books -- can often give the wrong impressions. Writers generally don't write because they're better than anyone else; often, it's just a teaching charism taking expression.

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:
...Good to know you didn't overly idealize my marriage, Shasha. It's a dangerous thing, writing books -- can often give the wrong impressions. Writers generally don't write because they're better than anyone else; often, it's just a teaching charism taking expression.

Phil-- I was moved to tears by your book because I could feel the love and dedication you and Lisa have for one another... plus the love behind the impulse to write the book for the sake of those who need the guidance and support.

Dear friends,

How much I have been looking as in a mirror while reading these powerful exchanges on spiritual pride!!!
I have been (and somehow still am,... God tells me...)a 'spiritual bypasser' for most of my life. I am practicing yoga since some time and the deep rooted wounded patterns of thoughts, emotions and behaviour are becoming extremely clear to me in these days. The pain is awful as it has been for years but I succeed more to stay with it or enter into it through yoga and meditation.
What I wish to share. Last Friday, again I went to this pilgrimage place here in Belgium, where a 89 years old woman receives visions of Christ and mother Mary since the early 1980.
I cannot explain what went through me. It cannot be but spiritual pride or is it an exaggerated 'discernment' (or judgment)?
When I saw and heard those 'simple-minded' people pray rosary after rosary and noticed the fear, the distorted moralistic perceptions of spirituality and images of God ('How much do I have to read in the Bible each day?', 'What do I have to do?'...) behind all this (or is this my disorted perception?), I felt so suffocating that I made the decision not to go to these places anymore.
As I said before, Grün speaks of a 'spirituality from below' and a 'spirituality from above'. The desert fathers (see the little story about it) didn't speak about the things of above, but of the things of below (their inner struggles and vipassana like investigation of thoughts, emotions and behaviour)! I was so overwhelmed by uncontrolable judging thoughts that the pain in my chest in the bus during coming back was almost unbearable! I have to the face the fact (something I suppose many Christians, who escape in some kind of spiritual practice don't see)that it is hard work to come to an integration of unresolved issues.
On the other hand, someone like http://www.amazon.com/Praying-...necker/dp/159276424X wrote about the inner healing that might come through praying the rosary! Does this then depend on how you pray it, devotional-outside-directed versus contemplative-inside-directed (see Thomas Keating)?

Greetings in Christ,
Fred

Fred, I don't know that what you describe about that pilgrimage and your reaction is spiritual pride so much as a visceral response to what sounds like a very unhealthy spirituality. It is hard work to integrate unresolved issues, though -- for sure! That's a totally different kind of issue, however.

Are you familiar with M. Basil Pennington's book on the rosary? It's entitled "Praying by Hand: Rediscovering the Rosary As a Way of Prayer," and it takes a contemplative approach to praying the rosary.

I am very grateful to have discovered this place "where two or three are gathered in His name." I stumbled into shalomplace following a thread of Bernadette Roberts, who has been a formative influence in my life, and yet whose penchant for black-and-white often leaves my sense of grays (not to mention emotions, and the heart) somewhat less than fully addressed.

My sense of "spiritual pride" is that it is ineradicable through efforts of our own--which is what I take to be the classic position of John of the Cross, who says, in understanding, that the dark night is God's way of relieving us of the burden we cannot set down on our own. In my personal experience, the way out of the bind of pride is the same way Dante found out of hell: by suffering the entire journey to the bottom of it, fully experiencing it as an "intolerable shirt of flame, which human power cannot remove" (to steal and slant a bit from Eliot). In that sense, pride is both the cross we carry and the crossbeam of the cross we're nailed to. It is an aspect of the suffering inherent in embodiment ("God enters through the wound," as Jung said somewhere). John of the Cross is constant in his affirmation of consecrated, surrendered suffering as pure grace--that affirmation sets the bar pretty high, in my experience, and I can only glimpse such graced surrender in moments that themselves are gifts.

Welcome, Tim F! :-)

And I must tell you that your words are a great comfort for me. I've been having a really hard time lately, but I'm uniting my will with the Lords will, which gives the whole thing entirely different meaning.

But thank you for reminding me of Eliot. I discussed these verses with my students when we were doing the myth of Heracles and talked about the symbol of spiritual death. For me they are one of the most beautiful things written by a Christian ever. Well, there's really nothing to discuss, just to read and remember...

*

The dove descending breaks the air
With flame of incandescent terror
Of which the tongues declare
The one discharge from sin and error.
The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre of pyre—
To be redeemed from fire by fire.

Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire.

Beatiful verses, Mt. Thanks for bringing them to our attention.

- - -

Welcome, Tim. And "amen" to your points about how God uses our struggles and sufferings to wear down our pride. This is the secret of the Cross, and we all do participate in the paschal mystery to some degree.

I hope we hear more from you. There've been some recent exchanges on the B.R. thread, so you might check that one out.

Peace, Phil

Dear Tim F a.o.,

I wholeheartedly agree with your saying:

"In my personal experience, the way out of the bind of pride is the same way Dante found out of hell: by suffering the entire journey to the bottom of it, fully experiencing it as an "intolerable shirt of flame, which human power cannot remove"

Although my pain, suffering and dark night seems endless, I feel that (without wishing to be pride here) gradually and very slowly my tolerance, kindness and even humor towards is growing.This is indeed a very profound work of this Holy Fire. Many times I still think along the line of repairing, restoring, improving something (even in my work with the wounded child), while I deeply believe that the core of what is happening is this burning but not consuming fire of the HS. Do you know this excellent book: http://www.ignatius.com/ViewPr...duct_ID=392&AFID=12& ?
I have enjoyed reading it.

PAX,
Fred

PS I have always loved T.S. Eliot, especially his 'The Four Quartets'. He was tmo with Rilke, Celan,Neruda a.o. one of the great poets of the 20th century.

Towards... OTHERS... in last post
Fred

Wonderful sharing on this thread. Would like to pick it back up if others want. Two themes come out of it so far: the realization, over and over again, that only Grace can unravel the knot of pride, and how gratitude (not the forced kind) is a response of the heart which opens us both to the wound and to Grace at the same time. In gratitude I know I'm fallen and mired in prideful tendencies, but open to the Love which reveals this without toxic shame. There is, of course, humility in this, but quite different from the crippling shame which is just another form of pride.

Personally I find that gratitude is more spontaneous - real - when I attend to the small things, such a warm socks, the shape or color of something I tend to overlook, the ability to hear sounds, see life . . . IOW, life as a gift in each moment in a visceral sense: not a belief, but a moment where the truth of it is felt in some way. And, as MT mentioned about God's "You're welcome," we are allowed to be receivers; this was mentioned on another thread, but it is so powerful for me to realize I give by receiving, e.g., when I let somebody teach me, feel the stabbing of the wound of pride, let this pain ferment as much as possible, and then see how my small appreciation of the other person validates them: true giving, and similar in faint ways to the Trinity's delight in the Other's happiness. So the wound turns out to be an old potential opening waiting to unravel and function according to the soul's fallen, but still present, inclination to gratitude as a primary state of awareness. So there is something hidden in the wound that knows how to respond openly if it isn't obstructed by old reactive patterns. Not that it appears immediately as gratitude, but feels real as a loosening that only uncontrived pain can bring.

It makes sense that as creatures we'd be, fundamentally, receivers by design, similar in an unfallen state to the Second Person of the Trinity who loves by receiving all the Father gives. And so in some sense giving and receiving aren't separate gestures, which we've also talked about on another thread; therefore, gratitude seems an almost pure expression of the two-fold character of love, where giving and receiving are both present, or implied in each other. "Thank you" gives spontaneously to the giver, validating his or her worth.

When the pain or contraction of pride melts a bit, I can even sense how I'm grateful for this process of undoing. In fact, I've shared before how the gratitude for this can be strong, and a natural response from within the wound to becoming more real in the midst of a painful truth that allows love to flourish, and for humility to take root. But without the experience of true love and how it undoes this knot of pride, humility would be impossible, and, as it often is, just pride poorly disguised as shame or false piety.

We are creatures of a Creator who needs nothing, yet as Love delights in our receiving which allows us to participate in the nature of His Being. Giving without receiving in this genuine way is pride, a sign of our fallenness. We're not essentially bad, but essentially not good enough to let Love flower from within our own powers. A moment, however brief, wherein we take delight in the happiness of another person for her own sake, reveals both this union of giving and receiving, and that fallenness which generates such an unquenchable longing.

There is also something about the union of mercy and justice in this Grace which unravels the knot of pride . . . . related to gratitude.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: w.c.,

Speaking about spiritual pride – I’d like to share with you some thoughts of a Polish priest, Franciszek Blachnicki, whose process of beatification is going on. He was born in 1921. During the II WW he was a prisoner of Auschwitz for 14 months and then transferred to Katowice where for 5 months he waited for an execution. During this time he experienced a powerful conversion which he described simply: “Sitting on a stool in my cell and reading a book, I experienced something – it was like an light switch was turned on in my soul and it was flooded with light. I at once recognized the light and called it by name, when I got up and started to walk in my cell repeating to myself: I believe, I believe. This light since that moment has never ceased to shine, not for one moment, and has never ceased to guide me, turning my life towards God.”

He wasn’t executed after all and spent the rest of the war in various camps. Afterwards, he became a priest and started a social activity against the addiction to alcohol. In 1961 he was arrested by the communists and locked in the same prison, where he waited for death during the war. His prosecutor and judge had the numbers from Auschwitz, as well as he did, and now they were at the opposite sides. He was convicted, but got a suspended sentence and he continued his work against the communists.

He founded in Poland a movement “Life-Light” which became very popular in the 70ties and became a wide social religious movement. He dialogued with Protestants which made him enemies in the Polish clergy, but Karol Wojtyla, later pope John Paul II, supported him in his activities. His theological work was excellent, but the communists didn’t let him make a university career and publish his works. During the period of martial law in the 1981 he was abroad and had to stay in Germany, they didn’t let him in. He continued his activity in Germany and Europe in the 80ties, and he was poisoned by communist secret service in 1987, before ever returning to homeland. 6 months before his death, he felt that he was going to die soon and wrote his last will. As well as his private diaries (which are now examined in the beatification process) the will suggest a presence of mystical graces. He thanks God for:

“a gift of giving myself completely, which I received in those last years, here in Carlsberg. It’s a fruit of a long night of senses and spirit. There were so many of those nights. Those ways of cross in these woods. Those journeys to the stream of Mare, to the mountain Moriah, to the mountain Nebo. Experiencing the agony of Gethsemane and dying of the Calvary. Mystical crucifiction in Bad Mergentheim. In all this there is a process of breaking through of consciousness and will towards what is ultimate, inevitable, certain: towards my own death! Existential “Amen” to my own death, with conviction that death is the greatest and only act in my life that cannot be defiled by orienting it to my self. The states of night are unbearable – but those hours are the most precious. Here the Lord who gave himself for me, teaches my how to give myself to him.”

I found his writings interesting, fascinating even. Especially his idea of sanctity which can be gained not by practicing virtues, but by living out our vulnerability and weakness, by surrendering completely to the grace. It’s basically another expression of the crucial truth that we cannot deal with our own spiritual pride – we have to let God do this. I translated one of his diary entries from the 50ties, which is very to the point:


"An organic process of growth and dying

Inner life is a slow process of organic growth. This truth becomes more alive in me. The growth is oriented towards theological virtues: faith, hope and charity. As every organic process it has its stages which cannot be jumped over. It begins with the increase of faith, then comes a stage of growing in hope. But this all leads to charity. Faith gives us knowledge of the fact that we are loved – trust is our first response to love. The next stage is contrition and then pure, reciprocal love.

This proces of supernatural growth will continue until the end of our life and will end in eternity. A negative side of it is dying. Theological virtues develop as they gain space for growth through the dying of our self. This process of dying out is a slow, organic process, too.
I realize how merely initial is this process of dying in me. Old man rules in me and often, more often than I realize, from the depths of my unconscious, directs my acts, thoughts, emotions and behavior. All my inner acts are contaminated by this: it works as a natural, vital force which inseparably accompanies all the doings that come from my natural self. Essentially, I have never done a good deed in my whole life, a deed in which my left hand wouldn’t know what the right hand was doing, a deed done for God alone, for the inner worth of that act, for neighbor’s sake, or as a pure impulse of charity. In all my acts there is this pharisean duality, present like a shadow, this pride desiring to do all things for it’s own sake.

What can I do, then? I see that all my efforts, oriented towards ontological purification of inner intention, all my inner struggle, all my trying harder to perform a pure, undefiled act are pointless. Every act flows from a source – and a fruit cannot be made pure by effort of will, if the tree that bears the fruit is impure. There is only one way: the way of dying. The good was done for me by Christ. His pure and perfect acts I have to offer to God with faith and trust. At the same time, I have to take responsibility for the reality of my inner state, until the realization that I’m completely and totally nothing, weak and powerless becomes alive in my consciousness."

Dear Mt.,

What a touching message you have posted here.
Do you give me the permission to transfer it to other sites I know???

PAX,
Fred

Sure

Mt:

That is so painful and beautiful to read. A strange sense of hope in that for all of us. And a sense of how we all belong in such a deep way beyond our control or wish.


How could we ever wish this on ourselves? But what a disaster for our souls if we could take the burden away. It reminds me of God saying to God, Father to Son (a modern, questionable translation), in the Garden of Eden, "Let's banish them from these powers or they'll become eternally hopeless, pride-infested little gods." Perhaps He was protecting us from ourselves by making sure we had no power to overcome, or permanently distort, this basic existential pain Blachniki describes. We really are a mess!!! But what a miracle, in a way, that horrible pain is really in our best interest in opening to Him, or being opened to Him who embodies our pain Eternally. It is just so lonely to feel like this happens with so few opportunities for a remedy within human comfort, but then I guess that is the point.



Hope your first day of marriage was blessed.