Well, I don't know what to think of this, yet. But I'm in need of support, advice, humor, pity, etc.

Not married. But dating. Haven't been for a very long time. Rust starting to fall off. She and I have been friends for nearly a year. I like being around her. She's Christian, intelligent, kind, funny, sweet, sexy. She's fairly actively involved in her faith community, so there's some understanding and support for each other in that respect. We just decided to take the next step, which isn't going to involve pre-marital sex, and is a morally desirable commitment, but scary for the kind of future commitment it suggests. Neither one of us is unrealistically smitten about fairy-land romance (kind of a mild case of demon possession), but God knows we'll start unpacking our baggage soon enough.

But honestly, I know it would be "easier" remaining chaste and single. However, there is the sense of not being able to really love deeply, i.e, be truly humble, unless I'm faced with my own selfishness in a relationship. Yikes!How odd that my spiritual director and I have been pondering monastic life; it's been considered before. Both marriage and celibate life have been on my mind, but not in a really conflicting way; it's like one brings the other up, making each clearer and more real.

Phil, you better not get divorced. I don't know too many other couples that haven't reached their end with each other. Not that a divorce means it wasn't a vital relationship. I'd actually settle (?) for one that ended where she and I really grew but had to part after some years. Sounds like a bad, self-fulfilling prophesy, but I'm only going on what I've seen in others.

We're both in our 40's, and not likely to have children. (Why does that not feel like a complete sentence?)

The main issue, if I had to admit to one right now (besides my rabbit in the head-lights mood), is what has been happening spiritually for the past year. I guess in terms of St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle, there has been a sort of pre-staging to the 5th mansion (my spiritual director seems to see it this way). More of a sense of Christ in everything: all passions, similar to what Brother Lawrence describes - a desire to relinquish my will to Him in all things (not at all times, but increasingly), and an acute sense of how fallenness pervades our psyches as a tendency in the will toward creatures that only He can transform.

I don't want to interfere with His business in my soul, but also have the sense He is involved in this friendship that has increasing Eros in it.

I'll end this post with a quote from St. John of the Cross that concerns me in this particular context:

_____________________________


"The love of one's Spouse is not the only requisite for conquering the strength of the sensitive appetites; an enkindling with longings of love is also necessary. For the sensory appetites are moved and attracted toward sensory objects with such cravings that if the spiritual part of the soul is not fired with other more urgent longings for spiritual things, the soul will neither be able to overcome the yoke of nature nor enter the night of sense; nor will it have the courage to live in the darkness of all things by denying its appetites for them."

w.c.

I'm honestly welling up here. Really. Joy! Welling and swelling up! Deep joy! And I'm honestly not some romantic cream puff either. I'm just really glad. I love these moments of embarcation. The adventure to come! It's exciting. That step into something bigger than ourselves, but which is totally ourselves and where we are and where we'll be. And hey it might have been a monastery but then . . . she comes along and . . . well. It takes faith, bro. Lots of faith.

Let's cut to the chase here. You're humble, insightful, intelligent and have enough self-knowledge and love for God to carry through into a relationship and really live in it and really really love in it! I don't want to butter you up like a bagel or pour too much sauce on your kebab, but, well . . . it's true!

And I can sympathise with your trepidation, I really can. I haven't dated for years either (probably for different reasons) and the thought of it is quite daunting, what with all the K upsets and my history of this and that. But funnily enough, there have been one or two sweet young things on the scene recently and, well . . . it takes faith bro, it takes faith.

I'm not at a place now where a relationship has to be forever, but still, there's so much depth of love and experience to be found in something like this, and all in the Light and for the good of God, and you in God. Saying that, I've been surrounded by relationships all my life that have worked. Parents, grandparents, friends, family - all went on to the loving end. Must be something in the Scottish water. Me and my sister are like the blacksheep of the family (thus far). For me, now, it's not such a problem - so much joy in the world. I'm just glad of the gracious capacity to love, whoever, however. But hey, Eros, l'amour ahhhhhh. Et pour eternite! Ahhhh. (Why have I suddenly lapsed into bad French here?)

Deep joy to you, w.c. It can and will be wonderful!

w.c.,

I join in with Stephen in delight and happiness for your wonderful report. And I, too, felt a deep welling up of joy as I read your post. Praise God!! Haven't heard such good news in a long time...

Seems to me, there really is nothing more wonderful on this planet than finding a partner, friend, spiritual companion, lover--all in one person, and with whom you can be authentic and relax into a mutually commited relationship. If anybody, w.c., you seem to *deserve* this!

My our Lord shine His love and blessings upon you and your friend!

Well, well, well . . .

Delightful to read of the development of this relationship, w.c. Romantic love is so delightful, and when experienced in the context of a friendship that is also grounded in faith and the love of God, there's less of a possibility that it will turn into a bucking bronco and throw everyone off and onto the ground. Of course, even in such a wider context, it has its ups and downs, but that's OK, too. Makes life more interesting.

I recall early in our marriage (31 years now) reading Leo Tolsty reflections on his own marriage -- that it had become "easier to live." That's been my experience. It surely seems that God made man and woman for each other, so much so that a calling to celibacy is indeed an extraordinary charism.

Lisa and I wrote a book on marriage together years ago. I'll post a link to the full version below:
- http://homepage.mac.com/philothea/download/ltlt.pdf
If we had to write it over again, I'm sure we'd make some changes, but it stands as a marker of where we were at that time, and holds up pretty well, for the most part. That said, we've had our ups and downs -- sometimes the latter for protracted periods. It's tough when that happens, and I can understand people bailing out. If one hangs in there, persevering in the effort to love, a new relationship -- more joyful and free -- can emerge.

I share with my young directees and in presentations for marriage prep what I consider to be four essentials for a healthy marriage.
A. Shared values, especially on the "important stuff." This is the glue; the more you have, the stronger.
B. Friendship. It's good to enjoy a few common interests together.
C. Communication skills. Doesn't always resolve the issues, but it keeps you from creating new ones because of harsh words.
D. Attraction. The icing on the cake. Comes and goes. Enjoy when it's there! Don't panic when it's gone.

These four don't all have to be perfectly developed or in play, of course, as we do continue to grow in all four through the years.

Keep us posted on how it goes.

There's a poem for you on my blog, w.c. I tried to PM you but your box was full.

Thanks Stephen. Who could have known the beauty of that squinting rabbit?!

Phil--

Thanks very much for your book. I'm ordering a bunch of copies to pass along.

If you're up to it, would you share what are some of the things you'd change/ add in your book since that publication? I'm curious to know what the intervening years have taught you, that we might benefit from your experience...given that you love to teach...

Shasha, thanks for your kind feedback about Living Together, Loving Together. I wouldn't change the basic structure of the book nor the kinds of principles emphasized. Mostly likely, a second edition would include updated sharing/examples and more practical resources.

Phil-- OK, I see what you mean.

Yes, I was very moved (to tears in places) by the pieces of your book that I read. I think it's a great gift to the church that you and Lisa offer in your honest sharing and willingness to be vulnerable. The book itself is a model for how to relate lovingly to one another.


Many thanks to both of you.