Is anyone interested in developing a thread concerning Caregiving & Christianity? I am thinking specifically about caregiving with the elderly or seriously ill. What is our responsibility to those we love who are experiencing debilitating diseases? What is our responsibility to ourselves? Where does one begin and the other end? How does all this
fit in with our spiritual development? What can we learn from these very painful situations?

Anyone interested?

Hey Amber,
I think it would be a really good thread. Many of us have had to deal with this in either a part-time or full-time way.

Why don't you start it off for us .

Thanks!

Terri

I would like to join this thread, too. Just yesterday I was talking with someone about Veronica wiping the face of Jesus as he carried the cross. He didn't have a delibitating disease, but he was debilitated at the time.

Sorry....I just realized that you asked Amber to start this off, Terri, and I inadvertantly started.

Amber, what did you have in mind?

shanti

thanks terri and shanti.....

I'll start this thread with some examples from my own experiences....This can be difficult to speak about so please bear with me.....

As we age, we oftentimes have an oppportunity to watch our parents age, also. To see those we love
decline in their abilities, both mental and physical, can be very difficult. Sometimes, it is as though we exchange places with them. We become the parent. They become the child. So, in addition to seeing them decline, we suffer one of many losses. That loss being the loss of the parent in the psychological sense despite the fact that they are still present bodily.

While we try to meet their increasing needs, we
may neglect our own needs. A constant tug of war begins. Where do we set the boundaries? How much do we owe the people who participated in giving us the gift of life? How much can we give them without loosing our selves? Or, is it that we actually find our true selves in this process?

I weary, at times, when I clean up the accidents of incontinence while I berate myself for having to hold my breath, least I throw up from the associated odors. I feel deep impatience with
those relatives who refuse to visit because they
'don't want to see him/her that way.' I feel
a great deal of impatience with facilities that
hold out false promises of the ideal in care and fail to deliver.

So, how does all this tie in with my spiritual development and my Christianity? Am I really required to be my mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, keeper? If I am, exactly what should this entail? Do I find myself by loosing myself in this process?

There is so much grief, loss, and sadness mixed in with moments of beauty, tenderness, and the development of deep compassion. Is it through this deep grieving that we meet the Christ in the other? Is it here that the solidarity with the other is forged and our self-centered egos are given up for sacrifice?

What are your thoughts about this process?

Thank you.

Dear Amber--I feel deeply for you in your situation. I can sense all the feelings that you are describing. How lucky your parents are to have you, but how tiring it must be.

As for relatives who could help but don't, my strategy in similar situations is to ask God to bless them and love them because right now I just can't do it. Then I ask God to help me love them later. Then I try to focus on what I have to do and not on what they are failing to do. (Hard but possible...)

My first inclination (and I'm a social worker) is to wonder if your parents situation would qualify for "respite care." You may already know about this. There are programs which send a person in to give caregivers an afternoon or day off so they can refreash themselves or get their own errands done. You might call a social service agency in your area (one dealing with senior services) and ask about this if you haven't already. Sometimes, if you can't qualify for a paid respite care person, there are churches and other organizations who provide volunteers.

I'm in a vaguely similar situation (not with my parents), but that's a story for another day. Today I simply want to affirm your goodness and offer you my prayers that you will somehow know and feel strengthened in your work.

I'm glad you wrote personally about your situation. I think it's important to have emotional and spiritual backup.

The negative feelings that you have are normal. If you honestly chat with God about them, God will understand. Please also know that many people in your situation have guilt about the negative feelings. Got understands this, too.

Got understands it all. Do good-be good is honest philosophy, and I think you are following that path. "What goes around comes around" is a popular way of saying that our good deeds help to create more goodness in life. I deeply believe this, and hope that you will see some of it in your own life.

I don't think you have compromised your spirituality at all. Your struggle is a very real one, and in your shoes I would be having some very real conversations with the divine intelligence of the universe--crying out, as it were.

If I have overstepped the boundaries you set in this thread by giving too much advice on your personal struggle I apologize. I want you to know that I will be holding you in my heart and will be praying for you, your parents, and everyone involved.

shanti

shanti,

What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for your
kindness. Despite my deliberately vague details, suffice it to say that I am working with the necessary organizations and I have also done a lot of research on the Internet about my specific caregiving issues. Another thing that I have sometimes found helpful are group meetings where
people in similar caregiving situations share their stories. I've learned many good tips from others in this way.

If you feel comfortable sharing a portion of your story (with whatever modifications you deem necessary on the Internet), I would like to hear it. I think personal examples are sometimes a good way to start a discussion. I enjoy reading but I sometimes tire of all the books and articles. Feels like I'll never catch up.

I initiated the topic.... now, let's hear from the rest of you.....Where is the Christ to be found in the sickness and incontinence of so many of the frail, fragile, beautiful elderly? What can we learn in this place? Is there a Saint for those who can no longer control their bodily functions? What can this loss of physical control teach us? I never thought I'd find the Christ in
the changing of dirty 'diapers'......but he is there.

Hi Amber--Somenhow I had a feeling that you were on top of the situation, agency-wise, but I felt I should say something anyway.

Who is the Saint of the incontinent and frail? We are, of course. In caring for others, we awaken the higher aspects of our own nature--even if we don't recognize them, even if we find ourselves muttering and wailing to God.

A few years ago, I decided to commit myself more fully to "random acts of kindness." Since then, many opportunities have come my way and most of them have involved sick, suffering or elderly people. I'm not talking about professional opportunities as a social worker, but on-the-spot random chances for me to render immediate service to someone. I'm having a hard time coming up with an example that wouldn't take all night to type--for now, let me just say that I've had many. Often, they take place at bus stops. Rarely do they involve giving money, but often they involve spending a few minutes in conversation, occasionally, an outright favor.

People tell me that I have a social worker vibe ( whatever that is....) and they say that's why people come up to me on the street. But I think it isn't me at all but the commitment to be open to all living beings. I'm not perfect at keeping that commitment, but it is an ideal for me.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm patting myself on my back. Mostly, I would like to make a case for the commitment, not for me.

We are not traveling through this lifetime alone. We are all connected. If you or I do something for someone else out of respect for that interconnection, we are unleashing powerful energy in the world.

And I think the world needs as much of that energy as it can get.

So I keep plodding along. I never know when the next moment will come. I want to be ready.

shanti

On a more practical level....

Amber has already posted about doing yoga. I think it's important for anyone with major caregiving responsibilities (elderly, children, family as a whole, clients, etc.) to take time for themselves in a way that refreshes their body as well as their spirit.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, and I've said the same thing to myself before: "I don't have time."

But if the caregiver isn't taking care of his/herself, there won't be much left over to give.

Sorry if that sounds like a lecture, I don't mean it to be. Even if it's only 10 minutes a day, I hope we can all find a healthy way to be good to yourselves. I do mine first thing in the morning before anyone else can ask for my attention (and I often have to get up a bit early, but it's worth it.)

(stepping down from the soapbox.... )

shanti

shanti,

Your friends are correct. You do have a social worker vibe. I can feel it from here. ...and you are right, of course, we are the Saints for the frail and elderly....I just wish someone would do an icon of the Christ changing an adults dirty diaper!

Regarding God....give Him/Her an inch and He/She'll take a mile.... I think It takes us at our word when we keep surrendering to It.

I, too, find that
the more I say 'yes'; the more I'm given an opportunity to say 'yes'.... sometimes despite myself.

As for interconnectedness, yes! I've experienced it often, too.

thanks shanti

I don't know if that vibe thing is good or bad...

...let's just say I've seen the underside of life.

Getting back to caregiving. Mostly it's just drudgery. Always has been, always will be. Whenever I have been a caregiver, the main task for myself has been how to keep my spirits up while I engage in work that, yes, benefits someone I care about, but, no, is not fulfilling all by itself. Changing diapers is a perfect example. No one says, "wow, what a great day, I can't wait to change diapers."

However an icon for the Saint of Caregivers is painted, I think it should have one shiney drop of perspiration on the figure's forehead, perhaps a hand pushing back hair, and in the background, streams of light breaking through the clouds.

We have Catholic nuns in our city who care for the indigent elderly, Little Sisters of the Poor. To make money they bake the most delicious doughnuts and desserts which are sold at various cafes and coffee houses. I went to their nursing home once when they were having a craft sale to benefit their ministry. It felt so peaceful there. I've always wanted to go back just to soak up the nun vibe. I would like to ask a Little Sister of the Poor how they carry out their ministry with such a gentle presence.

shanti

shanti wrote:

<<Getting back to caregiving. Mostly it's just drudgery. Always has been, always will be. Whenever I have been a caregiver, the main task for myself has been how to keep my spirits up while I engage in work that, yes, benefits someone I care about, but, no, is not fulfilling all by itself. Changing diapers is a perfect example. No one says, "wow, what a great day, I can't wait to change diapers.">>

I'm not presently acting as a caregiver (unless you count my job teaching kindergarten, hah!) but my parents are in their mid-eighties, and my husband is dealing with some health problems right now. I think the real challenge for me is to be able to show empathy for these family members without allowing my own spirits to be drug down. Is that even a reasonable goal? Elderly people can get pretty negative...I think that they sometimes enjoy complaining, and the negativity can take its toll on you. So you have to learn to develop boundaries. With my husband, I know that I need to be a sounding board, that sometimes he just needs somebody to listen to him. He wants to report his observations of his illness to me. But he doesn't expect me to fix anything....nor does he want me to be miserable. It would be easy for me to get *down* when he's having a bad day, but that wouldn't do anybody any good, so again, I've maintained a boundary, somewhat to protect myself. It's a tricky balance.

And yes, taking time for yourself is important. I take a bubble bath every day after work and then a catnap. I do it RELIGIOUSLY!!

Anne and shanti,

Anne, the bubble bath prescription sounds great! I'll have to add it to my self-care list.

shanti, I think the drudgery can be relieved a bit when we image the other as Christ, God, or whatever image of a Higher Power best suits you.
I once heard that Mother T did this. It sometimes works for me, too. There is a oneness about us that makes serving another a way of serving oneself. Jesus stressed the importance of service. Contemporary teacher, Ram Dass is very big on service, too. So, even the smallest act done with the proper attitude can be something very noble and good.....or so I keep telling myself.

Perhaps we can image caregiving as a way of giving that is, in some respects, also a way of receiving???? Sometimes very very tough to do....

Good ideas, Anne and Amber! And I appreciate the dedication you are showing to those you care for.

To use a Christian example, Jesus suggested feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, etc. He also washed the feet of his followers.

I have been to Christian services where people wash feet--very humbling. I saw one man do it with such an air of....perhaps of "seflessness" that I carry that memory with me today.

So even in symbolic situations we can be reminded of our need to help each other through this lifetime.

Meanwhile, there have been times in my life when it was hard to see God in another person (I used to investigate child abuse), but it's important to remember that we are all part of a divine unfolding. We can catch that wave or we can fight it.

Amber, you asked me to share a story. I am currently living in the same apartment building as a woman who is elderly, sick, alone, and unable to care for herself in many ways. She is also depressed and picks fights with her neighbors. She has no visitors and is unable to go very often because she is ill and unsteady on her feet even with a cane. People in the building talk about her behind her back, and she does the same. It's a very sad situation. And sadder, still, is the fact that there are many people in similar situations in many places.

One day shortly after moving into the building, I saw her trying to drag bags of groceries up the stairs, and a "random acts of kindness" opening occurred. I offered to take her to the market or go myself with her list. Since then, she and I have been in a relationship of sorts which is not always pleasant for me.

I need to keep in mind those who serve with true and pure humble spirits. I need those examples to help me in my less than ideal life.

I also need the bubble bath!

May the divine in others and the divine ourselves unite today and create good.

shanti

shanti wrote:

<<I would like to ask a Little Sister of the Poor how they carry out their ministry with such a gentle presence.>>

I would wonder what kind of days they are putting in? Are they putting in 14 hour days, or do they work a regular shift? I think it would make a huge difference in attitude if they were allowed time away from the people they care for. Do they go to a convent away from the nursing home, where they have quiet time, spend time with each other in community, have time to rejuvenate, pray, meditate, etc. And then do they return to their work of caring for the elderly the next day? Do you see what a tremendous difference it would make if caring for the elderly was one's work, and one got away from it for a period of time? Much different than say, the scenario of caring for an elderly parent in one's own home, where perhaps there are other family members with needs to be met. Or, perhaps, where caring for a family member becomes a "second shift" kind of thing that one does in addition to being a wife, mother, or possibly holding down some other kind of job.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Anne

Hello Amber and anyone else reading this thread.

Someone has recently told me that she wants to get some sort of service-oriented program going at her church and has asked me to help brainstorm. She is interested in reaching out to the elderly. I know the neighborhood where her church is located, and there will be a lot of elderly.

I suspect that these people already have caregivers, so I thought I would mention starting a support group for caregivers as part of our brainstorming.

Amber, are you part of a group? Does the group have a Christian identity? How is it working for you? If you aren't part of a group or the one you are part of isn't Christian, what would you think would be helpful from a Christian perspective? Prayer? Specific readings from the bible? etc.

If you feel that a private message would be more appropriate to safeguard confidentiality, please send me a private message.

Hope you are doing well.

shanti

Hello all,
Lots of wonderful posts here and lots of good advice too. Caregiving can be the most rewarding and the most draining activity there is, I think.

Shanti you mentioned some kind of outreach there. I was wondering if they've ever heard of an "Elder sitters" kind of thing. One of the cities around here offered "sitting" service sometimes for an afternoon or even a day to relieve caregivers. Of course, this means that some research has to be done as to what kind of needs the one being "sat" with has. It might be necessariy to have an LPN or something like that as part of the group. It's sort of on the same premise as "Mom's day out" services except that the "sitters" go to the home if necessary to care for these people.

I hope all of your are well .

Blessings,
Terri

Thank you, Terri--I have heard of the concept of elder sitting (I'm a social worker). I think the person who approached me for brainstorming has heard of it as well. Thanks for mentioning it for anyone reading this thread who might not know about elder sitting or respite care, or homemaking services, too....also, adult day care, and in some cases, homemaker services etc. In most cities or counties, there is at least one way to take a break if you are a caregiver.

However...

I was hoping someone might have had an exeprience of a "caregiver support group" of a distinctly Christian nature.

The church in question here is a Christian church with lots of people who already have caregivers who might want to form their own group to provide themselves with mutual spiritul support as they go about their individual caregiving duties. (Some of them may need respite care services while they are attending the support group, and should be given infomation about such services if they don't have it already.)

Any ideas from Christians would be welcome. I've had the experience of setting up support groups in general but not of putting one in a Christian context.

By the way, I'm not going to be the person to coordinate the group, I'm just brainstorming with someone else.

Thanks again,

shanti

Anne--Very good distinction between being a round-the-clock caregiver and a shift caregiver. In my city, the Little Sisters of the Poor live in the nursing home, although I suspect in a different wing or on a different floor. Beyond that, I do not know what their days are like.

Having lived in community myself (although not one like a Catholic religious order), I know that even if you have your own room, you can also have the feeling of being in a round-the-clock environment. It's hard to get far enough away that you can't be called for something.

shanti