Hi Everybody,

As the parent of an 8 month old baby, I have been wondering what could be done to minimise the development of the False Self and what would do the opposite.

Are there concrete things we can do at different developmental stages. What can we do to break down what little of the false self has begun to form in young children?

Jacques:

There are many good resources for children in this regard, and since they are so malleable, they often respond positively. For babies the relationship with the mom is central, so helping keep your wife's stress levels reduced can help that bond considerably. And generally, just slowing down and being with the child, allowing your own relaxed presence as a means of connection, is of much importance. We adults are often too task oriented for children, and with infants we get bored and think our presence isn't that important. And sometimes we get in their face too much. But holding and carrying the infant, responding to cries with understanding and tendernenss, matching facial expressions with genuine mood, all of these help the baby feel understood, seen and heard, which validates the slowly emerging true self.

The difficulty, or challenge, maybe the main one, is when the child's emotional life threatens the parent, or makes the parent feel overly vulnerable to his or her emotions. In that case, if there are patterns, it is important for the parents to find ways to become more accepting of their own emotional pain, learning to soothe that pain so they can be more open and accepting of the child when he or she is suffering.

Now, no parent can or will be perfect in this. The child can't grow from a parent's attempt to be perfect, which is a form of false self activity. But repairing the breach in emotional connection, or trust, is very important whenever it causes major hurt. The young child needs to gradually be able to accept that he or she doesn't have perfect parents, and yet, they are trustworthy, and that the parents have their own distinct lives and personalities. Children really do grieve finding out they are not the center of the universe as infancy has promised; it is a necessary loss that needs the parents' understanding and warmth so the child doesn't experience severe shame (the basis of the false self system). But the real test is often whether or not the parent can still be present, deal with their own emotional reactions, as the child is getting angry at the parent for not allowing the child to be manipulative; this is later, beyond 8 months of infancy, but is crucial, where the parent sets limits on the child's behavior (during toddler-hood, maybe beginning at 16-18 months, but each child is unique) but is still accepting of the child's emotions . . . eg. "I know you wanted this, it would have been fun to have it, but it isn't for playing with. Let's see what else you can find to play with in your room." The parent's tone of voice conveys the genuineness of the respone, i.e, whether it is even somewhat annoyed yet really warm, or full of annoyance.


Jacques:

Depending on your comfort level, maybe you can share more of your concern with your own child, which would make it easier to focus, as this is such a huge area to consider.

Well, after reading your post I am wondering about the effect of the following on his development: my wife works full time and during the week I care for my son for 2 days and we have a nanny the other 3 days. How does this relate to a full time stay at home mom.

I was actually asking the initial question based on a future projection as my child continues to grow and develop, not really regarding specific thing happening now.

Jacques:

Each child is different, but infancy is critical. Does he seem to feel comfortable with the nanny? The research seems to suggest the main problem is with daycare where infants and children aren't getting the sustained affectionate contacts with emotional support for times of stress. If he's bonded with the nanny you can tell by his ease over time with her, and how she enjoys being with him.

And how is he in terms of re-union when your wife returns home? Does he re-connect, pull away, ignore her, cry? And although moms and women are primary attachments for babies, attentive dads can certainly give comfort and assurance at the non-verbal level where it counts. Just putting him in one of those slings and letting him be near your heart for a few hours (not straight if it's too strenuous) a day can really support an infant per the research I've seen. The nanny can do this too.

You might also see what you can do to reduce your wife's activities once she returns home so she can relax and spend more time with him, if that's a concern.

I'd recommend you consult a pediatric psychologist if you have lingering concerns. Perhaps pick up a book by Dr. Barry Brazelton. Dr. Stanely Greenspan is also good (the two are collegues).

Hi W.C.

thanks for the interaction on this. He is great with the Nanny but does cry when mom leaves for work (even on the days I look after him). The crying is however momentary and stops a few seconds after mom is out of view.

Reconnection is also good. He is sometimes busy with his own thing and takes a few moments to notice she is back. But when he does he immidiately goes to her and loves her.

Sounds good. But it's also good you wonder about these things, as many parents wouldn't take an infant's emotional life all that seriously.

Jacques:

Here's a good book to consider for dealing with children when they need limits set on their behavior but support for their emotions at the same time; it applies a bit later in you child's life, but the principles are sound in terms of respectful communication:

"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

Easy to find at local bookstores or on Amazon.