The Kundalini Process: A Christian Understanding
Kundalini Energy and Christian Spirituality
- by Philip St. Romain
Paperback and digital editions
I want to share my store about my kundalini/spiritual awakening because I really don’t know what to do anymore and I think I really need some serious help or advice.
I’m 28 now. I’m a male from small town in Poland. I used to have suicidal thought since I was probably 17/18 years old.
At the end of January 2015 (it was around 100 days after I stopped masturbating and watching porn, I had been really addicted to them) there was a day that I started to feel terribly exhausted. I could feel like my muscles around my spine started to loosen up and moment later I just felt like my whole body just gave up. Suddenly I felt electric rush from the bottom of my spine to my head. My heart started pounding like crazy. I got up and after few minutes it just calmed down. After few hours I found information that it could be kundalini. I don’t think I had ever met this term before that day.
So in May 2016 I went vegan. In the middle of June I noticed that I got really bad eye floaters. It really freaked me out. I was really scared and all I did was searching internet to find some kind of cure. I found out that I got these floaters because I had been taking B2 in big amounts and it can be toxic and can cause floaters. I also found some anecdotal evidence that going for a prolonged fasting can cure floaters. So I decided to go for at least 20 days fast. I did it and it actually didn’t help at all. For 20 days I drank only water. 2 days after I ended my fast I got really bad panic attack. Next day I called my mom and she took me back to my hometown. I moved back to my parents house.
Whole January 2017 was really weird and spiritual experience. At least 2 nights a week I had some kind of clearing that I couldn’t control but was fully aware. I didn’t meditate or anything. Usually next day I felt really orgasmic and awesome. Many times especially when it was dark I was seeing white sparkles at the corners of my eyes. I was waking up almost every night between 3-5 AM and I was feeling that some kind of bad entities were watching me. I read a lot of spiritual material. I think it was the first month that I absolutely devoted all my time to kundalini, to work with it.
At the beginning of February 2017 I had some downs. It was a really bad and intense time of my life. It was like almost every day I was just laying down in my bed and the thoughts of past bad deeds were coming to me. There were different kind of experiences during next 3 months. For example in the times where I couldn’t eat and drink I had this urge to spit a lot of saliva. I had heart palpitations. I could see energy. I could see light when I was closing my eyes. I had the feeling that I have to concentrate on my 3rd eye. I had headaches. I felt pressure in my forehead and on the crown of my head. I had ringing in the ears. I felt that world is going through big change. I was thinking about spirituality and how world should look like almost all the time. I always had to get to the right answer. After bad days there were coming also good days were I started feeling this sexual orgasmic feeling. When I felt like that I usually fitted my thoughts into this feeling. I had really weird sexual fantasies. During that time I was really anxious about everything.
And there came the May of 2017 that was absolutely insane. I started to think about other people and things that I did to them. After dealing with my relations with people for two days I was completely exhausted. It was evening I was laying in my bed when suddenly I felt like my body just can’t go on. Despite all the adrenaline, my body just completely loosen up. I felt this energy that was going from my crouch into my head through my spine. My heart was pounding like crazy. It wasn’t like my previous kundalini experiences. I was completely awake and terrified. It was almost midnight. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I started to have thoughts that I have to go outside. I started having these thoughts that I have to go the certain spot in the forest and that probably my “alien” family will be there waiting for me (this was probably from everything I read about whole earth awakening. It is said that creatures from space gathered here, now to help and earth move into higher plane). They weren’t there. After a while I started to have thoughts that I should hitchhike and go to some kind of drug addict facility and volunteered there (these thoughts probably appeared because of all the biblical texts about selfless servings to others). I had these thoughts to just leave everything now and go there in the middle of the night. I was terrified. I was considering hitchhiking if any of the cars were passing me by. I came back home. These thoughts about volunteering where vanishing but I still had these feeling, pounding heart and energy. I started having thoughts about making a big barbeque party for all my neighbors. I started to have these thoughts that were forcing me to make it as fearful as it can be for me. I was fighting these thoughts for hours. I couldn’t sleep. About 11 AM these feelings and thoughts started to vanish. Also the energy. I think I went to sleep around noon and slept for 2 hours. After I woke up I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt quite normal. (just thinking about this event makes me anxious).
There came these two days that changed everything. I started to have the same “energy awakening” that I had week or two weeks earlier. This time my thoughts were about leaving my house, selling everything and starting to live with homeless people in the city that I had been at the university. I couldn’t stop these thoughts. I went for a walk to the forest near my house and I remember that there was a moment that I felt like I was having heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to sit on the ground. I felt that I have to leave everything. I was terrified. I was struggling with it whole night. Every time I told myself that I won’t do it, I felt that I can’t breathe and had spasms.
After not sleeping for whole night and started thinking that I really had to do this because if I don’t it won’t go away. I tried everything to calm down but I wasn’t able. I started watching a YouTube video from a guy who connects idea of psychosis with spiritual awakening. I had listened to his videos before. He told that when he had his “psychosis” he had to get naked in crowd of people and had peed himself. I’m not sure if I had these thoughts before listing to that video or after but from now on I was thinking about getting naked in public. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I got naked in my house. I came to my mother and I asked her to hug me. She called ambulance. After talking with my parents they took me to the nearest psychiatrist hospital.
In the afternoon I started to have this weird feeling. I was feeling that some kind of bad energy is in me. I started to feel really anxious. I asked nurses for some pills for calming down. It didn’t do anything. This feeling was growing. I started to think about killing myself. I went to the bathroom. I put two bags on my head and tied socks around my neck. I started to suffocate. Despite how horrible suffocation felt I didn’t stop because I wanted to die so much. I passed out. Someone tore apart the bags and I woke up. They gave me a shot and put in me restraining bed in isolated room. I remember that when they put me there I thought that this terrible feeling would never end. They gave me another shot. I calmed down a little bit. I fell asleep. I woke up at night I was still under effects of shots but I was quite conscious. I didn’t feel the horrible urge to kill myself tho.
After two weeks I started having another “energy awakening”. I was thinking about getting naked in front of everybody. I went for a shot. It didn’t make much. After about half an hour I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I undressed myself completely in front of other patients. They put me in restraining bed. When I was laying there I felt quite peaceful but at the same time I didn’t feel 100% relieved.
During first week in second psychiatric hospital (I got transferred after 8 weeks) I had this terrifying experience. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was feeling this energy on the top of my head that felt like total death and terror. It was very intense. I was feeling like I was dying. It went off after about half of a minute. I was very scared. That happened to me again also over 2 months later.
When I got home I also wanted to get a job. But when I started searching job offers I started to feel pressure in my body and anxiety that I’m not supposed to do that. It’s like subconsciously I was afraid that this whole situation is still not resolved.
So I try to distract myself as much as I can. I came back home from hospital almost 4 months ago Over 2 months ago I got back to the gym and this the thing that helps me out. On weekends I’m seeing my friends and I actually can enjoy it. Not 100% but it’s better than in the last months before I got into hospital. I don’t drink alcohol and I haven’t smoked weed since February 2017.
I have really strong OCD (especially spiritual/ moral scrupulosity) from to time to time (I have one for about almost 4 weeks now).
I still try not to masturbate. I haven’t masturbated in almost 2 months now. But I watched some porn lately. I feel that this messes up with my dopamine. I recently got back my OCD so I think that these 2 can be related. I also fantasied a lot during spiritual times. I was feeling this orgasmic energy but I also fantasied so this energy could move more efficiently and I had more control over it. I’m not sure that I should do that. I tried masturbation without porn but after orgasm I felt that energetically my right side of body gets “closed”. All this energy is usually in left side. Also when I got spasms before sleeping I usually get them in the left side of my belly. When I don’t masturbate I can feel that energy is building up inside me. It’s not that easy to control my thinking. I have more anxiety.
My dominating emotions are anger and anxiety. I can hear humming noise in my head almost all the time. I’m just so tired of this. I have depression on and off for five years now. My family is really worried. I just want to get a job or money just so my parents don’t have to pay for my living. I’m really worried that if another “energy awakening” happens or some major incident (like floaters) happens I won’t be able to go through this. I just feel so stuck and tired. I can’t get free. I’m so much in my head. I’m constantly on edge because I’m afraid of another “energy awakening”.
I never wanted this, never was interested in awakening. I knew that connection to God is important but not like this. If there is anything to stop it, tell me please. I just want to live regular live.
There is so much stuff that I did during my most spiritual time that I haven’t found that anybody else was doing. It’s like I think I was forcing a lot. I found this blog that seems that is written by a really educated guy. He says that these kind of experiences happened because of wrong spiritual practices and imagining/thinking too much and it seems that this is all that I was doing for a long time.
I tried advice that I found on the internet. Like walking barefoot, eating more meat and root vegetables, heavy lifting. That helped me but for short time. I started to feel energetic and I had motivation to create art but my libido kicked in and I masturbated (without porn or fantasy) once a week for few weeks and that mojo vanished. Maybe I shouldn’t masturbate and it would got even better but at the same time I should say that despite feeling better mentally there still was this fear.
The most popular advices that I found are opening front channel for getting your energy from head to ground (or stomach or genitals, I can’t remember). But I haven’t tried it because I don’t want to mess up with energy again. I live in a small town in Poland and there are not any people that could help me with energy. There are no kundalini gurus or at least I haven’t found them yet. I also don’t have any money so I can’t go to place where I could found one.
So what can I do? How I can stop it or reverse it? How I can live normal live again? What can I do if this “energy awakening” happen again? How I can calm it down?
My longer story: http://awakeningforums.com/thr...psychosis-story-help
Hi Colory89 (maybe you have another name you want to go by?)
Welcome to the forum. We do not offer counseling here, but maybe people can share some things that will be helpful.
Whatever else might be going on, you still have the ability to tell your story somewhat objectively, and that is good. You also note that doing normal things like going to the gym and hanging out with friends is helpful. That's the kind of learning we (who've experienced k) need to do -- observe what helps, and what doesn't.
You didn't share much about what your spiritual practices were before the activation, nor what you do now. Generally, kundalini is best integrated in the context of a lived out religious commitment. So you need to work with that and clarify your religious beliefs, your gifts, your calling, etc. Most of us who participate here are Christians, so you can ask us about that if you have any questions.
I'm glad you're open to counseling. Don't hesitate to get that kind of help or other medical attention when you need it.
thank you for your response.
Before activation I hadn't been doing any spiritual practices. After awakening I did some yoga and I tried to meditate but I think I was forcing a lot.There were also times were I was doing it for way too long during a day. I was too much in my head and I was trying to understand everything that I was feeling. I think this is what I was doing wrong. Right now I'm not doing anything because I wanted all the energy to settle.
It's about 8 months since my worst days. During that time I haven't felt kundalini. I was feeling like I was stuck and that it's still not over. And few days ago my kundalini awaken again. I think the energy in my body build up so much that it had to move up.
This time when kundalini was doing it's clearing I wasn't in my head and I was just trying to feel without judging. It wasn't easy but I think that was the thing that I should do. Yesterday the energy was keeping me awake almost all night, today I feel really tired but at the same time I'm able to do the things that I planed.
And the last one, I don't go to therapist anymore because it's another thing that triggers me to think about my emotions and process them through thinking instead of just feeling them which right now is the thing that I think I am soupposed to do.
It sounds like you're going through hard times and it seems that you're not getting help with this. You can see a lot of stories with kundalini problems on this forum and there is really no magical technique that you can find here and which will set things right. Phil knows some people who are "kundalini therapists", but I have some doubts whether such help can be really efficient.
You seem to be considering a possibility that you might suffer from a psychological disorder. In your story there are some things which don't seem to be related to kundalini and which are quite alarming. I don't know what is going on with you, but what you describe strongly indicates some disturbances of thinking process and emotional chaos. I'm a practising psychotherapist and what worries me is that you seem to be very much focused on your feelings, sensations, extraordinary experiences, and you don't seem to have a structure of support and professional help around you.
Spiritual journey in general, kundalini especially, requires a strong ego, because different areas of the unconscious are activated. I think that people who are psychologically fragile may be unable to deal with that and kundalini activation may trigger psychological problems or even mental illness in the same way as using drugs (you mentioned that - this is really dangerous, marihuana often triggers psychosis in a person with predisposition to that). So it sounds to me like you experience some mixture of energy activation which apparently disorganizes your psychological functioning at the level of the mind. The lack of strong religious structure is also conducive to problems - all great religious traditions insist that before opening up to any spiritual or mystical transformative experiences you need to undertake moral purification and intellectual preparation (study, catechesis etc.). The body and the soul need to be prepared for the powerful crisis of transformation. It seems that your psyche doesn't handle this well.
I'd suggest you try and find a supportive structure, as far as it's possible in your circumstances, ideally including psychiatric and psychological treatments, psychoeducation and religious/spiritual committment of some kind. For example, you write that you try not to think about your emotions, just feel them and it'll help you. Actually, as far as we know, emotion is a complex phenomenon, which has cognitive and somatic components. There is no "raw" emotion, despite of what you may read on the Internet or in self-help books. Emotions are connected with ideas about reality, others and the self. So it's not helpful to cut of your rational thinking and just experience them. On the contrary, if you can think about your emotions, name them, share them in a dialogue with others, they become more easily controlled. Neuroscience confirms that emotions processed through the neocortex (rational part of the brain) are much better dealt with than those which remain at the level of the amygdala, the more "animal" areas of the brain. So don't buy into "pure feeling" stuff. You may have read about some tantric techniques of transforming emotions by just experiencing them without analyzing or thinking, but what is not usually explained is that those techniques are very advanced and usually require strong anchoring in the non-reflecting or non-dual awareness.
I'm worried that you don't have close friends or family around you with whom you could freely talk about your problems, at least to a certain degree. You seem to read and watch a lot on the Internet and take in a lot of ideas which might not be helpful at all (like fasting for 20 days, among other things).
Does it make any sense to you? I'm also Polish, like you, so maybe I could help you with finding some treatment options for you, where you live - I know psychologists and psychiatrists in various parts of the country. You can always write me a private message via this forum, if you think I could be of any help to you.
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