This morning I was reading Psalm 24, which was brought up in my praying with some friends this past Monday morning. It was this passage which deeply moved me:

Who shall go up into the mountain of the Lord? Or who shall stand in His Holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart…

Years ago, I was led to cry out for clean hands and a pure heart after I became converted and felt the stinging pain of my sins, selfishness, and the great destruction of my brokenness upon my family. Following an agonizing few weeks related some family problems, I was again led to crying out for holiness, and this passage hit home again this morning.

Later, around lunch time, I was heading out onto my patio with my scrambled eggs. It had rained yesterday but none today and everything on the surface was completely dry. It was about 65 and sunny. So I was perplexed why there was a steady stream of water flowing from the lid of a plastic storage container on my patio. The lid was slightly concave and a puddle of water was pouring over the edge because of the slight incline. I looked up at the sky. No rain, no rainclouds but a few puffy white ones. I examined the surroundings. The water kept pouring over, the puddle did not diminish in the least! How could this be?! It was as if the puddle kept refilling. This small space of about 10 inches in diameter and less than ½ inch deep was continually producing water that overflowed into a stream running over the edge and onto the patio floor. I looked at the sky again. It wasn’t raining—again! No sprinklers, no busted hoses, nothing to explain this! Slowly, it dawned on me that this was a miracle. So I calmly thought, “What do I do? What does this mean? Why would God produce this water on top of this storage container that I use to store my patio furniture cushions?” I felt foolish; I didn’t know how to react. So I prayed, and then promptly sat to eat my eggs because I hate cold eggs.

The water kept flowing! There was more water on the floor than in the puddle from which it was flowing! It was amazing to watch!

I finished my lunch and went over there and wondered if I should drink it, but I touched the water and it was a wonderful warm temperature, like bath water. So then I thought, “This is holy water; God put it here for me to…um…what? bathe in it?” So as I cupped my hands together and as I gathered up the warmth, I thought, Oh yes, clean hands and a pure heart, yes, I want clean hands, Lord. Like I prayed from Psalm 24, is that it? You’re providing the water to wash my hands. This is what I’ve been crying out for.” So I splashed the water over my head over and over again and wept. Waves of grief spilled out of me while I poured handfuls of this wonderful warm water over my head and face. I cried out loud but didn’t really know why, not exactly, not consciously. It was a grief about not knowing how to love God, a pitiful, gaping distance between me and knowing how to be grateful, so far from appreciating His intimate love for me....This tiny, strange water miracle an answer to prayer: water to clean my hands, clean my body, from what? I don’t know. Suddenly, water started flowing from my legs, soaking my pants. I don’t know how it could be, but I was standing there leaking water from my legs, pouring water over my head. And I cried about not knowing God’s love for me, His tenderness seemed so beyond my ability to appreciate.

Shasha, thank you for sharing what must have been a powerful experience! I am reminded of a few lines from a poem by Rolf Jacobsen. May I share them with you?

We don’t know God’s heart,
but we know
something that pours out over us
like rain over our hands.

The third and last verse reads:

We don’t hear His voice,
but we find
roads everywhere and signs in our hearts
and paths in hushed light.
.

Sasha,

Reading your post this morning has lifted my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel to comment on your experience would be disrespectful, but I simply wish to say a heartfelt thank you to you and God.

Thanks for that.

HeartPrayer,

Yes it was powerful...and strange to me still a day 1/2 later. I've never seen such a creative miracle, right before my eyes...hard to get it out of my head because it's so nature/law-defying, unreal.... And water pouring out of my legs, weirder still. But the mystical movement that it created in me is graspable and still being digested.

Thank you for the poem. You can share the whole thing, if you like.

quote:

Originally posted by Clare:
Sasha,

Reading your post this morning has lifted my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel to comment on your experience would be disrespectful, but I simply wish to say a heartfelt thank you to you and God.

Hi Clare,

I'm open to your comments though I appreciate your being thoughtful about not wanting them to diminish my story.

So glad that it lifted your heart. That was my aim in sharing. Glory to our God.

Peace, peace, peace...

quote:

Originally posted by w.c.:
Thanks for that.

That's the shortest post I've seen coming from you w.c. Not like you to be so telegraphic, is it?

Here's the full Psalm 24.

The King of Glory

24:1 The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof,
the world and those who dwell therein,
2 for he has founded it upon the seas
and established it upon the rivers.

3 Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord?
And who shall stand in his holy place?

4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to what is false
and does not swear deceitfully.

5 He will receive blessing from the Lord
and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek the face of the God of Jacob.

7 Lift up your heads, O gates!
And be lifted up, O ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

8 Who is this King of glory?
The Lord, strong and mighty,
the Lord, mighty in battle!

9 Lift up your heads, O gates!
And lift them up, O ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

10 Who is this King of glory?
The Lord of hosts,
he is the King of glory!

Dear Shasha: Hi --I enjoyed your sharing of your experience and the sharing of the entire psalm as well. I've re-read both several times, and am still meditating on them...meditating as in asking God to make me permeable to what He's saying to us through them. And I hope you don't find it overly familiar that I say "us" --You're not alone in needing to wash in living water.

Hi Ariel Jaffe,

Glad to meet you. I've enjoyed your posts elsewhere, your beautiful writing and sensitivity.

The need to be washed by living waters...indeed, deeply significant for us all.

It's strange to me. I didn't and don't feel particularly 'dirty.'It seemed more about being washed of a sense of unworthiness of such a great love. See, the pain of the last several weeks and giving up hope that God will heal this particular area of my life caused me to believe, unconsciously, that God did not really love me, or at least not enough to answer this particular prayer. So as I washed in this water, He brought to my soul the fact of His mystical Love, which is so personal. I've seen several miracles, some just for me, and I've enjoyed much in the way of mystical union with the Father through Christ, but this thing reached into a different 'place' in my soul.

It was like He was saying, "Despite your suffering, I do deeply, personally, tenderly love you. I do hear and answer your prayers. See..."

And this is why grief welled up, what tumbled out of me:

When I felt this reality, which I'd 'forgotton, and didn't ever know this deeply,' I realized how far away I am from this truth and how far away I am, therefore, from gratitude and from being able to position myself for right surrender. The longing for right surrender runs deep in me. I'm not a perfectionist, so it doesn't feel like a neurotic needing to be good. I guess, it feels like He is cultivating the gift of FAITH in me, a more direct knowing of His love for me.

And this is very humbling.

Honestly, too much to bear at this moment.



Blessings to you, dear people!

Shasha, I'm smiling...It's too grave a smile for a smiley face, though. Yes, I think I know what you mean about feeling unworthy of such a love, not simply dirty or guilty.

You are a blessing to many people.

Thank you for the kind words...very sweet.

And yes, we need a wider array of graemlins, don't we?

Shasha, I'm a little behind in my reading, here, and have only now come upon your sharing. That's an amazing experience you share, a tangible reassurance of God's loving care for you. It sounds like this was a deeply formative experience for you. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Shasha,

quote:"It was like He was saying, "Despite your suffering, I do deeply, personally, tenderly love you. I do hear and answer your prayers. See..."

Even though God was speaking to you, I felt embraced by Him through your post. What He spoke touches my deepest longing to know that I am His beloved... May the Lord continue to bless you, as you bless us through your words.
Gail

quote:

Originally posted by gail:

Even though God was speaking to you, I felt embraced by Him through your post. What He spoke touches my deepest longing to know that I am His beloved... May the Lord continue to bless you, as you bless us through your words.
Gail

Hi Gail,

Glad that you felt God's embrace through my story. That seems to happen a lot around here, which is why I keep coming back to SP. Over the years, I've gained so much from other's sharing. Even though we're each unique, our struggles are so similar, our yearnings are all precisely the same--at our deepest level of being we want to rest in God's Love.

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:
Shasha, I'm a little behind in my reading, here, and have only now come upon your sharing. That's an amazing experience you share, a tangible reassurance of God's loving care for you. It sounds like this was a deeply formative experience for you. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Deeply formative...I guess so, but I don't know exactly what is forming more than the conviction that I may have a spiritual Learning Disorder (SLD - ). Of course God loves me. Christianity 101, but I keep learning it over and over again because the depth is unattainable in one gulp, or two or 2000.

Seriously, I'm still hung up on the miracle of watching God create out of nothing! I can't get the image out of my head. I have believed it theologically - in the abstract I know that God creates out of nothing.

I have this little bottle of Holy oil that I got from MacNutt's School of Healing Prayer a few years ago--for healing the sick. I've used it many times, dozens of times. This 4-5 onze bottle is still completely full. This is a wonderful miracle as I feel I don't have to use it sparingly; it may never run out! Praise and thank God!!

But actually watching water appear out of nowhere is mind-boggling. I'll stop talking about it now.

Seriously, the fact of being a sinner is very painful when you're standing near to God's presence. We've talked about this before. It's like when Peter got a good look at the Holiness of Jesus, he was so blasted he told Him, "Get away from me for I am a sinner." (sth like that).

That's how it felt, this OMG grief of God's LOVE which is one with His being. I've felt it a few times and it's truly unbearable.

Small doses, please God,
keep them coming,
but don't kill me with your
Holy Love.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ariel Jaffe:
... Yes, I think I know what you mean about feeling unworthy of such a love, not simply dirty or guilty.

...QUOTE]

Well, to be honest, I did just realize that in fact I was struggling with some murderous rage I was feeling toward a sadistic person just a few weeks ago. I was confessing this to my prayer group that Monday and that was partly behind the wishing for "clean hands and a pure heart," no doubt. So definitely a need for a housecleaning of sorts. How quickly I forgot that piece of the story!

Do I feel cleansed of the murderous rage since my spiritual bath? I think so, to a large extent, but must remain on guard for it's return. This road to saint-hood is tough going...

QUOTE] Do I feel cleansed of the murderous rage since my spiritual bath? I think so, to a large extent, but must remain on guard for it's return. This road to saint-hood is tough going... [/QUOTE]

Shasha,


OH, I love this part of your story... Gives a gal who hasn't mastered holiness a whole lot of hope. God's kindness & mercy is unfathomable, and yes the road to saint-hood is tough going.

I thought twice about posting my thoughts because I don't want it to sound like I delight in your struggle. What moved me and helped me to make a gentle shift inside was your transparency...I don't know why, I often think everyone else has arrived, and that I am so far behind... I constantly have to come to grips with all that isn't so lovely inside of me, while balancing that, with how far he has brought me, from what I once was. It has been slow going, baby steps, but I am thankful to be on the journey. Another round of thanks, right back at you! Gail

quote:

Originally posted by gail:
...I don't know why, I often think everyone else has arrived, and that I am so far behind... I constantly have to come to grips with all that isn't so lovely inside of me, while balancing that, with how far he has brought me, from what I once was. It has been slow going, baby steps, but I am thankful to be on the journey. Another round of thanks, right back at you! Gail

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. In my prayer group this morning, we talked about the analogy of our hearts/souls containing multiple fields. Some have mature trees with low-hanging fruit and people can readily see and enjoy and be nurished by our love-fruit. Other fields have saplings that require great care, soft rain, warm sunshine. Other fields are not even ready for tilling. The stones must be removed before the soil can be softened to receive seeds. These stones are not necessarily some darkness, id, shadow thing, although some may be. Some stones are a-moral impurities getting in the way. All these fields co-exist. We can't forsake or devalue one for the other. The ripe fruit of our lives exists along with the undeveloped areas that are yet hard, untilled, but rich in potential fields in our hearts that will bring Glory to God.

I appreciate your honesty too, Gail.

Shasha,

It's nice to know you are coming home. I am feeling it also, very strongly!

michael