I hate when this happens:

"Oops: Errant National Guard Bomb Drops on Oklahoma Apartment Complex"

quote:

So you can imagine Jeremy Isbell's surprise when he and his wife returned home Thursday night to find an errant military bomb had been dropped on their apartment, knocking out their electricity and part of the wall of their bathroom

A very shy man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

That's pretty funny, Phil!

Speeding Ticket
----
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

A comparison of a Dog's Diary to a Cat's........

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

I loved that, Shasha!
Immediately sent it to a good friend of mine.
...a cat owner, obviously.

"Vice-President Dick Cheney is already moving out of his residence. It takes longer than you think to pack up an entire dungeon."

Craig Ferguson, at the
White House Correspondents� Dinner
commenting the coming transition

Republican humour? Presidential material...?
---------------------------

Responding to a question about a survey that shows increased exports to Iran, mainly from cigarettes, McCain said, "Maybe thats a way of killing them."

He quickly caught himself, saying "I meant that as a joke".


We�re all bending over in a laughing fit.

More classic Republican humour from McCain
------------------------------------------

And here, of course, is one of his all-time best.

If a man talks in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, .... is he still wrong?

LOL!

Woman troubles these days, w.c.?

As the boy scouts say: "Be prepared."

Or did I, at 14, misunderstand what they meant?

What do you get if you cross a Seventh-Day Adventist and an agnostic?

Some one who knocks on your door at 8:00 AM on a Saturday and has no idea why.

It is show-and-tell day at school, and all the children are requested to bring in an item which illustrates their religious beliefs. David stands up and says "This is a star of David and I am a Jew". Dorothy stands up and says "This is a crucifix and I am a Catholic". Jimmy stands up and says "This is a coffeepot and I am a Unitarian

LOL. For some reason, I had missed these.

- - -

Here's another along the lines of w.c.'s

- --

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

I put this here, because I thought this was pretty funny (and full of kitsch):

http://timesonline.typepad.com...bad-taste-belie.html

I liked the "wash away your sins" soap.

quote:

I liked the "wash away your sins" soap.

I liked the instructions,"Rinse and Repent."
-----
Here's another one that was in the comments section, which is also pretty funny (or bad, depending on your blasphemy threshold):

http://www.catholicshopper.com...l_sport_statues.html

Scroll through and check out Jesus on skates mixing it up during a hockey scrimmage....(maybe he didn't walk on water, maybe he skated..hmmmm)

The other statues have Jesus in a supporting role, but the hockey one has Him actually splitting two kids and going for the puck. I was wondering about the significance of this - plus, I would have had Him as a goaltender - you know, "Jesus Saves." :groan:

TRAINING
-------------

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Well equipped...
----------------------


This is perhaps one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and the Australian General Peter Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters�


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.

If this has been around before - apologies and disregard.

C

Little Zachary was doing very badly in Math.His parents had
tried everything..... Tutors, mentors, flash cards,
specialLearning centers. In short, everything they could
think of to help his math.Finally, in a last ditch effort,
they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the Local
Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came
home with a Very serious look on his face. He didn't
even kiss his mother Hello.Instead, he went straight to his
room and started studying. Books and papers Were spread out
all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.His
mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.To her
shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a Word, and in no time, he was back hitting the
books as hard as before. This Went on for some time, day
after day, while the mother Tried to understand what made
all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his
report card. He quietly laid itOn the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation,His Mom
looked at it and to her great surprise,Little Zachary got an
'A' in math. She could no Longer hold her
curiosity.She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was
it?Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her
andShook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she
replied,'Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, theUniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'Little
Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on The first day
of school when I saw that guy nailed to The plus sign, I
knew they weren't fooling around.'

Likewise this one!!

C

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" one child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.""Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.""How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing ?">Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!"

TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir,"the boy replied."And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend,and every animal (current and past).For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away."Johnny wait until we say our prayer.""I don't have to," The boy replied."Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,at our house." That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Thanks for the jokes, Clare.
Those really made me chuckle!

.
Palindrome: A place where right-wing politicians practice style-over-content debating techniques behind closed doors.

.
"When I first had my stroke I couldn't talk
at all. What does an actor do who can't talk?
He waits for silent pictures to come back!"

-- Kirk Douglas

.
GOP: -- (definition) A circular firing squad.

How Wall Street Really Works

------

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 for each.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. �Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.�

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.

That's great, Phil ....

.
Q. What do you call a VP candidate with a $ 150,000 campaign wardrobe?

A. A Neiman Marxist.

[b]Last gasps?]/b]
----------------

Somebody has been passing out a lot of official looking flyers in some neighborhoods saying: "To accommodate the unusually high voting for this election, voting dates have been changed. Republicans will vote on Nov 4 and Democrats will vote on Nov 5."

And it ain�t the Democrats.

LOL! That's clever. What those Naderites will do to get their 3% of the vote.

- - -

OBAMA AND JOE THE PLUMBER

Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe
the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice
neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make
more than $250,000 per year.

Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to
the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses
the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that
it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

Obama asks Joe how much it will cost.

Joe immediately says, "$9,500."

"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!"

"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who
make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing
of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains
Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I
lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did
pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business
this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.'
Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator."

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying
that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.

Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book
looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other
plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not
wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.

The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several
days.

A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a
bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be
emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood,
so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and
says "Let's see - this will cost you about $21,000, and I can't
get to it in less than 4 weeks,"

"A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly
fires back, "and it would only take 10 minutes!!"

Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well,
because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people
are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer
of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people
who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to
charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day.

"Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work
from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed,
and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. That's
why I can't get to your leak until next month, if then. This
has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they're
not being replaced - nobody is going into the plumbing business
because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too
in fact, I'm not sure I can stay in business until next month."

Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're
hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn
how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer
people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will
you do?"

Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently."

Ah, I knew it -- "Joe the Plumber" really is interested in "spreading the wealth around.

A real (sort of) book listed on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0316017302

How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You're Left Behind

quote:

Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.

And that means one thing: investment opportunities!

For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?

Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING RAPTURE instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

That reminds me of a WC Fields sketch.

"Your money or your life!" (armed thief)

(silence)

"Well?!"

"I�m thinking, I�m thinking..."

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eighIn the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say. Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska:

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

I'm glad you put this as a joke, HP, for I've never heard anyone say "uhh" and "ummm" when responding to questions as much as Obama does. On the whole, however, he is very articulate and presents himself very well. Obviously, he has a well-disciplined mind, which comes, in no small part, from his experience as a writer.

.
This may belong in the "jokes" section:
37 percent of Americans unable to identify America on map

...but I am more inclined to cry.

Hmm, that is appalling. Is geography still in the curriculum? I wonder.

.
"I have done nothing wrong ...
I have on my side the most powerful ally there is,
and it is the truth."

-- Rod Blagojevich

In the Jokes section, LOL!

.
"Zimbabwe is mine."

-- Robert Mugabe

Ho ho ho!
----------------

"Yes, Your Honor, that is the man who sexually harassed me at Macy�s. The handcuffed fellow in the funny red suit and with the long white beard.

He is the one who called me "hoe" three times in front of my children!"

The iBreviary and the iChurch, anyone?

Actually, I have the universalis.com app on my iPod Touch. Very useful -- the entire breviary, lectionary readings, and short bios of the Saints for the day . . . all for only 30.00! I use it regularly for matins and vespers.

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:
Actually, I have the universalis.com app on my iPod Touch. Very useful -- the entire breviary, lectionary readings, and short bios of the Saints for the day . . . all for only 30.00! I use it regularly for matins and vespers.

That sounds good!
I hope you and everyone at Shalom Place are having a peaceful and blessed Christmas.

The hearing aid
---------------------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

A hot mamma
------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.�''

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, �You've got a heart murmur; be careful.�"

Good ones, HP.

-----

(Here's one on the false self at work)

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."