Beyond recognition

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she furiously demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They are cramming for their finals.

Does killing time damage eternity?

If a person kills their clone, is it murder or suicide?

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?

What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

quote:

Beyond recognition

Thats good! It reminds me of this one:
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A flood is expected to wipe out a small town and evacuation is begun. A jeep is driving through town and comes across a guy standing on his front porch. "Hop in," they said, "The flood will be coming in any minute." "Don't worry about me," the man replied, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, they drove on without him. Soon the flood waters began to roll in, and a rescue team drifted by this man's house in a boat. "Hop in," they requested, "We'll get you out of here." "Don't worry about me," was the man's reply, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, the rescue team continued on without him. Not long after that, the flood waters had completely covered this man's house, and he was hanging from the chimney. A rescue crew in a helicopter spotted him and dropped him a ladder. The man refused the ladder insisting that God would save him. Unable to change his mind, the helicopter went on without him. The water continued to rise and the man drowned. On his way through the pearly gates, he met up with God and exclaimed, "You really let me down! I had faith that you would save me and look what happened!" "Well, what were you waiting for," was God's reply, "I sent you a jeep, a boat and a helicopter."

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral." she replied.

A clean and politically correct joke...

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tallest tree says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

LOL! Well, that's one's pushing the envelope a bit, but one can imagine that's how woodpecker's think of things.

Life explained
------------------------

(OK, ran across this on another forum and thought it quite amusing.)

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its t hroat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

My favourit British political joke, albeit from another era, with all the reserve that is the trademark of our brethren English:

"Margaret Thatcher is now doing to the country
what she hasn�t done to her husband ...in years."

Services in Hell
-------------------

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

One of the major failings of the Catholic Church is the demonstrable inability to prevent the proliferation of Bishoprics and the rise of Church organs throughout boys schools worldwide.

Oh my! We need to get you a subscription to a clean jokes newsletter or something.

Here's two that will bring the tomatoes out of your pockets!

-------

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund.
The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little
doggie."

(Right . . . I know . . . so here's a bonus -- much better!)

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

The Guilty Doctor

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.' Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

Two Irishmen (out of work and down on their luck) were told that if they went to England they could make their fortunes because, as their advisor told them "The streets are paved wth gold."

Sean and Patrick took the next ferry to Liverpool.

On alighting from the ferry, Sean saw a gleaming new South African Rand lying on the pavement. He was stooping to pick up his prize, when Patrick took him by the arm and shook him, saying. "Don't be such a greedy little sod. We'll start collecting 'em tomorrow."

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

A person walked into a doctor's office.

"Can I get a brain transplant?" the person asked the doctor.

"Sure," she replied. "You can have a doctor's brain for $100, a pilot's brain for $150, or a politician's brain for $10,872."

"Why is the politician's brain so expensive?" asked the person.

"Oh, it's never been used," the doctor replied

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh...." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember. So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing.

"It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming three times, and I never did move!"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

That�s excellent, AMH!

The Pope and Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a
champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.
It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who
spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old
and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.

He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying
very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that
neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his
fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground
where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe
pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews
can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened.

The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger
around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from
our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had
an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that
this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars
had insisted was impossible!

'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days
to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he
told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know
that we were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

LOL. That's about how well things go with even verbal communications sometimes.

So True!! lol

Here's a story:

THE QUILT...

As I faced my Maker on the other side, I knelt before the Lord along
with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many
piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares
together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how
ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant
holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been
difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every
day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes
of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny
hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color
and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and
was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare
and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to
the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn,
holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel
looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.


My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly
fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been
trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me
my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often
struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the
strength to pick up and begin again.

I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and
guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I
endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes
that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of
those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had
to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who
stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many
holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood
before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you
gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My
struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside
and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of
you."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"He must increase, and I must decrease...from glory to glory." Amen

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine
through!

Love your stories, Dhyana!
Please post more.

lol! Thanks! I love stories. This one isn't Christian but it has a wonderful message. Enjoy.
Love, dhyana

A dervish was praying silently. A wealthy merchant, observing the dervish's devotion and sincerity, was deeply touched by him. The merchant offered the dervish a bag of gold. "I know that you will use the money for God's sake. Please take it," [the merchant said.]

"Just a moment," the dervish replied. "I'm not sure if it is lawful for me to take your money. Are you a wealthy man? Do you have more money at home?"

"Oh yes. I have at least a thousand gold pieces at home," claimed the merchant proudly.

'Do you want a thousand gold pieces more?" asked the dervish.

"Why yes, of course. Every day I work hard to earn more money."

"And do you wish for a thousand gold pieces beyond that?" [asked the dervish.]

"Certainly,[" said the merchant. "] Every day I pray that I may earn more and more money."

The dervish pushed the bag of gold back to the merchant. "I am sorry, but I cannot take your gold," he said. "A wealthy man cannot take money from a beggar."

"How can you call yourself a wealthy man and me a beggar?" the merchant spluttered.

The dervish replied, "I am a wealthy man because I am content with whatever God sends me. You are a beggar, because no matter how much you possess, you are always dissatisfied, and are always begging God for more."

Mys_Dhyana, Priceless! Thank you!

quote:

Originally posted by HeartPrayer:
[qb] This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral." she replied. [/qb]

LOL I liked that.

Katy

Here's one of my favorite stories. It's from the Desert Fathers, so you may be familiar with it, but it is so delightful and poignant that I can't tell it or hear it enough.

There were two old men who had lived together for many years, and they never quarreled. Now one of them said, "Let us try to quarrel once just like other people do. And the other replied, "I don't know how a quarrel happens." Then the first said, "Look, I put a brick between us, and I say, �This is mine,' and you say, �No, it's mine,' and after that a quarrel begins." So they placed a brick between them, and one of them said, "This is mine," and the other said, "no, it's mine." The first replied, "Indeed, it's all yours, so take it with you!" And they went away unable to fight with each other.

Two things left in the bag
----------------------------------

This one is a bit more risque, but I trust it offends no one:

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

They both watched Adam with great amusement, before God finally turned to Eve and said, "Well, I guess you get to have the last thing I have left."

"And what would that be?" asked Eve.

"Ah, multiple orgasms!" said God.

HAPPINESS IS AN ATTITUDE


The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it ... It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life."

When lawmakers entertain us
--------------------------------------

We all know that it�s far easier to get laws enacted than to remove them from the books. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous laws in the United Kingdom:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.

3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned.

5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.


Isn�t it good to know that American lawmakers are far more sensible, right? Wrong!

- In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

- Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

- In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed.

- It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama.


Other bizarre foreign laws worth noting if you�re travelling:

- In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm.

- A male physician in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror.

- In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

- In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits.

- In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon.

The traveller...
-------------------

A distinguished Jewish rabbi in previous Russia was sought by a traveller from America. The visitor was astonished to find him in a simple room with a hard bed, a study desk and a bookshelf.

He asked, "But where are your things, Rabbi?"

"Where are your things?" the rabbi said.

"I don't have much here. You know, I am a traveller."

"So am I," came the reply.

"Letters to the Pastor"

The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

This is an old one -

"Highly religious horse"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

Another light bulb joke...
-------------------------------

We all know that a good, conservative forum like this needs a bit of balance. So every once in a while I try to do my duty. Naturally, the joke section should be no exception... And this one is good:


Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

quote:

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Pretty funny, but you know this will only start a tweaking fest:
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Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A: At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

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Q:How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. Liberals wouldn�t actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.
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Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let George Bush fix it! It�s his fault it�s dark anyway!
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And of course, this one which is too funny because it is true:

Q: How many EU ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 27

"EU leaders to make Europe change lightbulbs"
http://www.reuters.com/article...dUSL0966634620070309

Here are a couple more that I thought were pretty funny:

Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And $25 million in damages from the cold, heartless, multinational corporation whose reckless disregard for public safety lead to the production of such a hazardous product in the first place.
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Q: How many Green party voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Dude, we shouldn't have to change lightbulbs. GE has this secret lab in Costa Rica, and they made a lightbulb out of hemp that totally lasts forever.
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Q: How many Al Sharptons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Why? Because I�m black!?
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Q: How many PBS executives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Sixteen: one to do it, and fifteen to make a sepia-toned mini-series about the old bulb.

Hadn�t heard those. Excellent!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.


* Forty-three (43) said yes,
* Six (6) were undecided,
* Only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

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This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25. When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the girl. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."

LOL...That's pretty good, Phil!

The Three Sons
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Reading the Jokes, Great Medecine! Thanks everyone

From Rod Dreher's blog :

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On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But, he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what �Trinity� means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Son, I'm going to tell you something now, and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d � and we don't believe in Him!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.