Here's one I heard on Saturday Night Live:


"64% of Americans think George Bush is doing a poor job. The remaining 36% think Adam and Eve rode to church on dinosaurs."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


_______________________________


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

___________________________________

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

_______________________

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy."

______________________________

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

___________________________________

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "No, I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

______________________

Have you all heard the one about how they make Holy Water? They boil the hell out of it.

:-)

Thanks, that joke actually make me chuckle a kind of silent chuckle.

.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely � in fact he was downright depressed.

With concern in his voice, God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a Woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "Oh, just an arm and a leg."

That didn�t appeal to him, so Adam asked optimistically, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

LOL! Good one.

-------

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Then there was the drunkard who said:

"Cheersh! I would rather have a bottle in front of me � than a frontal lobotomy."

.
Before the good Samaritan came along, two college-trained social workers walked along that same road. As they stopped to look at the severely beaten man lying in the ditch bleeding, one of them turned to the other and said:

�Wow! The guy who did this really needs some help.�

And they continued on their way...

.
Did you hear about the guy who went to a psychologist for the first time.

"Ok, please tell me. What�s the problem?"

"No problem. I just haven�t been feeling like myself lately. And I would like your help to keep it that way."

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

(OK, I'll stop. )

A Texas joke

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls-Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!

I know HP is a Mac fan, but maybe even the PCers among us will enjoy this one.

------

When crap collides: Ford and Microsoft team up for in-vehicle operating system

Friday, December 29, 2006 - 03:35 PM EST

Ford Motor plans to unveil a deal with Microsoft in January that will put the software company's technology into some of the automaker's cars, The Wall Street Journal reported Friday, citing people familiar with the matter," Reuters reports.


- things that will happen with microsoft on board


"You are attempting to turn left. Are you sure you want to do this? Click OK to continue"

Your brake pedal has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down...press the gas peddel +turn the igniton to the start position, roll up all windows to restart the system

Dear F-150 Owner,

Congratulations on your purchase of one of the world's finest vehicles.

Your F-150 is features the latest in Microsoft inovation and technology. Please bring your vehicle to your Ford dealer the first Tuesday of each month for required system updates.

Thanks again. See you Tuesday.

The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

Please turn the ignition key to the start position to turn off this vehicle."

"Our life-threatening medical emergency wizard can guide you to assistance. Please enter or say your user id and password and state the nature of the emergency. Now for verification, please enter or say your twenty-five digit license code for security purposes. Your entry was not understood. Please begin again. Your entry was not understood. Please begin again. Your entry was not understood. Please begin again. Your entry was not understood. Please begin again. Your entry was not understood. Please begin again . . . "

"You have an incoming message. It reads, 'You have won free samples of Vicodin and Viagra . . . " 238 more messages follow

"Your car has performed an illegal operation and will now shut down"

"your car is unregistered please register your car to keep driving"

The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off

Occasionally your car will just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

Slowly you pull away, and everything seems normal as you cruise down the street. You decide to turn on the dealer installed radio. As soon as you turn it on, the engine dies, all four wheels lock up, and the car screeches to a halt. A message pops up on the windshield and says:

"System Conflict: An unknown accessory has been installed. You should turn off all systems and restart your automobile. Contact manufacturer of accessory and ask him what he did wrong. Do not contact Microsoft, nothing is our fault."

So you turn off the radio and start over.

A story from temptation island

George was the only one who survived after the yacht sank. For months on end he was stranded on the seemingly deserted island, with no supplies, no spare Bermuda shorts, no cigarettes, nothing. One day he falls asleep on the beach and wakes up to a rhythmic sound that can�t quite place. A gorgeous woman rows up and pulls her boats ashore, while he just sits there dumbfounded. In utter disbelief he finally stutters: �How did you get here? F-f-from where?�

�I rowed from the other side of the island. That�s where I landed after my cruise ship sank.�

�Amazing! Boy, you must have been lucky to have the row boat wash up with you.�

�No. I made it from some of the raw materials I found on this island. The stern and sides were carved of eucalyptus and the bottom woven from palm branches, while gum tree branches seemed best suited for the oars.�

�Without tools?!�

�Silly you, of course not. I found an unusual alluvial rock. When I fired it to just the right temperature in my kiln, it melted into workable iron. That�s how I made the tools.�

George was stunned and feeling more and more inept. Fortunately she broke the awkward silence with a gentle smile. �Come, let�s row on over to my place.�

As they neared the shore, his jaw dropped. From the land end of the hand-built pier, a stone path led up to a bungalow amongst the palm trees, not unlike what he�d seen in brochures for luxury Caribbean holidays. She leads the way into the house.

�Would you like something to drink?�

�Sorry, I don�t think I can take any more coconut juice today.�

Without a word, she hands him a glazed blue ceramic cup, filled with the most exquisite tropical juices. They take their time getting acquainted, trading stories. The high alcohol level is gradually giving him a pleasant buzz, almost making him forget time and place. This, of course, does not go unnoticed.

�Hmm, just wait here. I�ll be right back. I just need to slip into something more comfortable.�

When she comes back, she looks even more gorgeous. Her long, new-brushed hair now flows freely over her bare shoulder. She is almost naked except for the large flowers fastened with vines over her firm breasts and below her well-exercised tummy.

She holds out her hand and beckons him to come to her. �Look,� she whispers, combing her fingers slowly through the hair on his chest, �I realize from your story that you�ve had a really hard time, having been shipwrecked here nearly twice as long as me��

She peers deeply into his eyes, obviously understanding, one hand resting on his thigh. �Tell me, you must have been very lonely. I�m sure there is something you have been longing to do all these months�� After a long pause she adds, �You�re welcome to do it right now.�

George is flabbergasted, not believing what he is hearing. He stammers, �Y-y-you mean I can check my e-mail from here?�
.

Politically correct seasons greetings

I have received many greetings at Christmas time. This is perhaps one of the more original:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced, within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual preference, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.

For this one, thanks to Lord Lenny on MacOSXHints.


THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given

Marital relations

My wife and I had words -- but I didn�t get to use mine.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?


ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum
of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

Jewish Buddhism...


If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?


Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?


Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a Danish.


Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health,
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single "oy."


There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?


Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.


The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.


Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be
the least of your problems.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.


Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.


To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.


To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance,
do the following: Get rid of the
motorcycle.
What were you thinking?


Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation
is a symptom of a
terminal illness.


The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe
you are off the hook.

Those are great!

Jewish Judaism

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Premature confessions...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?!? "

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

A priest who was quite open about his homosexual preferences applied for a job in a small town. At the end of a long conversation with the applicant, the church superior finally gathered the courage to voice his concern at the strong rumours that had preceded the man:
�So... uhm... are you a practicing homosexual?�

�Oh, no, I finished practicing years ago.�

FAUX NEWS channel
We distort * You comply

Selling tickets?

A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, �I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.�

He replied, �Texas State Troopers don't have balls.�

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

You're on a roll, HP!

What's next?

My favourite blonde joke...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $26.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

With a knowing smile the blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car safely for two weeks for only $26.41?"

Finally, "the blonde" wins one!

So does the one in the story below, although another one doesn't look so good.

-------

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

The Blind Man Is Here

A Nun was taking a shower one day. When she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?".

"Nice tits, Sister,� says the man with a smile. "I'm here to check your blinds."

My guru proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to check the things I had started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Jiffa cokes, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescake, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

Good one!

-----

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided..."

;-)

And do you know what happens to a person when he doesn't pay his exorcist?


He gets repossed!!

I once heard someone suggest the following recipe for conflict resolution for Norwegian Lutherans, some of whom are opposed to women priests:

"Female priests, and the priests and bishops who oppose their ordination, should attend a locked "conclave" at one of our alpine hotels. The should be locked, only to be opened when they have reached agreement, found rules for peaceful theological cohabitation -- or the generation is able to walk out the door, unassisted."


(can�t find a better word than conclave right now...)

Here is my favourite Gregory Bateson story:

�There was once a software engineer who wanted to know about the Mind, what it really was, and whether computers would ever be as intelligent as humans. The man typed the following question into the most powerful contemporary computer
(which took a whole floor of his university department):

"Do you compute that you will
ever think like a human being?"

The machine rumbled and muttered as it started to analyse its own computational habits. One morning, after almost a week of grinding away, blinking and beepings, the machine printed its reply on a piece of paper. The man rushed over in excitement and found these words, neatly typed: �That reminds me of a story...�

Retardment � you�ve earned it, Grandpa!

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a tin house and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Although we don't yet have a poetry and prose section, I feel one coming on, Kahlil Gibran:

http://www.quoteworld.org/quotes/5370

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

That's hilarious!

-------

- Who wants to go to heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

Yep, and The Lone Star Iconoclast is read by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

quote:

Yep, and The Lone Star Iconoclast is read by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

I am glad to see you put this link in the joke thread - you are joking, right?

"Who is your family?" a Communist Party inspector asks a teenager.

"Our great father is Comrade Stalin, our great mother is our Soviet country," answers the boy.

"Good," beams the inspector. "And what would you like to become?"

"An orphan," says the boy.

A judge asks his colleague, "What are you laughing at?"

The friend replies: "I heard such a great joke!" ?
"Do tell."

"I can't. I just sentenced a man to ten years in labor camp for telling it."

Those are great!

Not exactly a joke, but lots of fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...mode=related&search=

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Sleep in the Barn

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car.

They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer gladly accommodates them, but tells them that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn.

In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu. He says "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."

A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.

A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...

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A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding.

"How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West!"

"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

Just the facts...

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

The patented Chill Out Diet
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We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1degree Celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g's) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

If you adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet, then you should be thin very soon.

Well, there you go! Makes perfect sense. I can't find a flaw in the reasoning.

Here's the straight scoop on the "Chill Out Diet," for those who might be rushing off to Pizza Hut. My college-aged son, who is a pre-med student and is taking a course in sports medicine, notes:

quote:

lol...sadly food nutrition information is measured in Calories, not calories; Calorie = 1000 calorie. So burning 6,216 calories to warm up that dessert means you burned...6.216 Calories...and the dessert was like, 500, at least? Pretty much insignificant unfortunately.

Now how far do I have to jog to burn off 500 calories?