I thought this was great.

http://www.whatismetaphysics.c...of-free-parking.html

It was an interesting, well-made video. Most people thought that giving unconditional approval was a good thing (and that seemed to be the message of the story). But contrast that to what Anthony deMello says when he sees this as "the drug of approval, praise and success".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GLzdueyfiM

Larry,

I was thinking a similar thing about this video, the "contrasting" point of view.

However, imo, the deMello point of view, like so many other spiritual leaders who preach like this, is severely lacking in the understanding of childhood developmental needs and disorders. Hence, their preaching on this subject is one-dimensional, even as there is truth in it, and hence can be misleading and hurtful.

Furthermore, in some (don't know about deMello) who talk like this, there is often a subtle denial and projection of their very own unconscious vulnerabilities.

Katy--thanks for sharing this. God bless you!!

The contrasting view of deMello basically says that if we crave approval and praise (because we are taught as children) then we will never be comfortable with being alone in solitude, and therefore the spiritual life will be lost to us. It's a valid point, and I think most people are fearful of being alone for too long and would prefer the "drug" of approval along with the usual social balms.

It might be helpful to define terms, here. I generally think of approval as a positive comment/evaluation of personality and behavior in such manner as to establish a linkage between the two (I am loved, valued, accepted because of what I do. I do well, therefore I am OK.) Of course, if one buys into this, then what happens if one's behavior is out of line, or in need of confrontation or correction? If I'm OK because I do the right thing, then I must not be OK when I do wrong. This is the recipe for shame. Hence, there is a correspondence between approval and shame in that they both pass judgment on one's personhood because of behavior. It is conditional love.

Affirmation also evaluates personhood and behavior, but keeps the two separate. This requires a careful use of language, to be sure. It also means letting others know we love them and value their presence in our lives at random times, or even when they do bad things. The internalization of affirmation is "I am loveable and capable" (IALAC -- remember that one from the 70s?). This is very good -- the kind of positive self-esteem everyone really needs. Affirmation is one aspect of expressing unconditional love.

I think de Mello does well to point out the problems associated with approval-based conditioning. Unfortunately, he neglects to present the healthy alternative, which is affirmation. Validation would be in keeping with affirmation -- letting people have their thoughts and feelings without discounting them or shaming them out-of-hand.

Lots and lots more about all this in a book I wrote long ago:
- see http://shalomplace.com/view/lil.html

quote:

Originally posted by Larry:
The contrasting view of deMello basically says that if we crave approval and praise (because we are taught as children) then we will never be comfortable with being alone in solitude, and therefore the spiritual life will be lost to us. It's a valid point, and I think most people are fearful of being alone for too long and would prefer the "drug" of approval along with the usual social balms.

Larry --

Please consider that this is an oversimplification.

In some cases, folks will seek solitude precisely because they are running from their unmet needs for healthy affirmation. See, the shame and anxiety that social contact threatens being too much for them to face. So in these cases, solitude is a defense or a compulsion rather than a spiritual call.

See what I mean? What do you think of Phil's differentiating validation from affirmation above?

Thank you, Shasha, for your gentle direction. I do see the difference between approval-based conditioning and affirmation. I guess it's the difference between a parent that really sees their child and his/her worth and gives loving affirmation vs. a parent that sees their child as merely a unit of the family, and forces them to assume their role without discerning their real needs. Love vs. oppression.

deMello had a lot of charisma and his oversimplifications go down easy. That's when an intelligent discussion comes in handy!

Anyway, the main character of the video was an odd duck. His self-worth seemed to be based on getting a smile in return for his unconditional flattery. When he could not get the DMV gal to smile, his world was shattered and he went into a depression.