A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

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Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet every evening down at the bar. - Drew Carey

In politics, sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you've got it made! - Groucho Marx
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. - Henry Boye

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. - Ellen DeGeneres

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka

Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

LOL. That's a great one, WC.

Three men walk into a bar.

A catholic a protestant and a swami.

The catholic says to the bartender, "I will take a beer please".

The protestant says, "I will take a brandi please".

The swami sits and says nothing.

The catholic speaks up and says, "swami do you want a beer also".

The swami replied, "datta be good".

Oh, not bad, you bottom-dweller you!

There was a fish and a duck sitting at a bar.

The fish said, "let me guess you flew here".

The duck replied "no, like you I swami".

Rico:

Once on the bottom, try not to dig.

Somebody on a blog site sneered at this, saying it reminded him/her of Anna Nichole Smith and her aged sugar daddy; but apparently these two are both males. Well, that resolves nothing in the post-modern joke department, does it?


http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/hippo.asp

Rico, they used to shoot people for telling jokes that bad. Well, actually I think they might have been so bad that they were good.

And that's one tortoise that ain't gotta worry about no crocodiles.