For those people that complain about the U.S. Health Care System....

This was taken from a patient's chart at a South African Hospital. It was written by the treating doctor.

"Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid"

A symptom of an affliction I am all too familiar with- cranial rectal immersion.

On why we need good language translators . . .

"And now, His Poopiness the Hole . . . er . . . His Poopiness the Pole . . . rather, His Holiness the Poop."

- translator in a meeting at the Vatican

(Stupidest things ever said, calendar)

Letter from Grandma:

-------

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a �Honk if you Love Jesus� bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing - even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

quote:

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

LOL. What a finish!

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in Moslem Areas

KBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN: Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

EKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PARH GUSH DIVAR: I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

HOWMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GORTEH BANDE: I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

CASHAL-EH FASHAL-EH TUPHEMAN NA DEGAT MAN GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARIR BEHMESHVAREHMA.: If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPHAHEH- HASTI: It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY: I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI,BALLI,BALLI: Whatever you say.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH GHORBAN: The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM: The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of NotreDame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, staggered toward the railing, and fell head first to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike thefirst bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Adam & Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


Preparing for Death

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into the after life. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggrevate anybody."


Revival

After the revival had concluded, three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

----

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

----

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

What Nationality was Jesus?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

---

The Painting Lesson

A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

---

The Rabbi's Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

----

The Helpful Priest

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Why shouldn't Christmas come early to SP too?


POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION OF 'THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!'

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened"

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in over-due compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific

No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological

No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you've got to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere ... even you
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"

Forgive me Father...

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

----

Lucky Shot

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Biblical constipation

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain wasn't Abel.
2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

----

Pope, Graham, and Roberts

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

Brad, you're really giving me some good stuff for the weekend edition of Daily Spiritual Seed! Thanks!

Computer Down

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

----

Jewish Sons

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."

----

This kid knows the answer!

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

----

Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

----

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

----

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

----

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

----

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"

----

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.

He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."

I came across this at random and thought I�d share it. Technically this isn�t a joke but it sure is funny.

[Please do not infer that by posting information unfriendly to tobacco companies that I wish to force RJ Reynolds or Philip Morris to buy my car, my house, my yacht in Hawaii and to send all my kids (if I had any) to college with their money.]

Tobacco Product Ad Slogans

Camel Cigarettes: More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette

Eve Cigarettes: The first truly feminine cigarette - almost as pretty as you are.

Lucky Strikes: Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet.

Mecca Cigarettes: Where was Moses When the Lights Went Out? - Groping for a pack of Meccas.

Old Gold Cigarettes: Not a cough in a carload

The Aging
Explorer


A young reporter
went to a
retirement home
to interview an
aged but
legendary
explorer. The
reporter asked
the old man to
tell him the most
frightening
experience he had
ever had.


The old explorer
said, "Once I was
hunting Bengal
tigers in the
jungles of India.
I was on a narrow
path and my
faithful native
gunbearer was
behind me.
Suddenly the
largest tiger I
have ever seen
leaped onto the
path in front of
us. I turned to
get my weapon
only to find the
native had fled.
The tiger leapt
toward me with a
mighty ROARRRR! I
soiled myself."


The reporter
said, "Under
those
circumstances
anyone would have
done the same."


The old explorer
said, "No, not
then - just now
when I went
''''ROARRRR!''''"




_______________________________________

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an
elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he
was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the
rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered.............. "Not yet."

quote:

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and
absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his
wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of
Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.

The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur . . .
so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyem pay retail!"

quote:

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"

quote:

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling
a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a
Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved! The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came. and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down
to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak
cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their
noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to
see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group
arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small
pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the
grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now
you are a fish."

These are wonderful! And Oh so timely!

-----


(JB sent this one to me)

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

But dust. Oh, that's a good one. One bad turn deserves another...

quote:

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the
pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers,
which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time,
several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who
Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each
other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank
as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come
to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -
he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered
for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well.

It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Speaking of jokes, this is one of my all-time favorites:



If there's a copyright problem in posting this then I'll gladly remove it.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!

Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!

Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a Peephole into her cabin door.

Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy replies "three month's vacation and five good leads."

That's a good one, Phil.


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

This isn�t a joke, actually. But I don�t know where else to put it. And it might be fun to critique the major metaphors, change them, play with them, because although the story is heartwarming something seems not quite right to me and I can�t put my hands on it.

----

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, and the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full; they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things: your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter--like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else: The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just filler."

One of the students raised his hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I'm a buzz-kill on this . To me it's always come across as completely superficial. It made the rounds in email a few years back, and I just couldn't bring myself to pass it on..lol. Told ya I was a buzz-kill .

Blessings,
Terri

To me it's always come across as completely superficial. It made the rounds in email a few years back, and I just couldn't bring myself to pass it on..lol. Told ya I was a buzz-kill

I tend to agree, Terri. Like I said, I didn�t really post this because I thought it was so great. But I did think it would make for an interesting discussion.

Another way to look at that whole paradigm is that, even when water is added, 99.9999999% is still empty space, the space between the atoms. But is this empty or should we define it rather as something that we can�t fill up?

And offhand, I would say the pebble-sized things, while vital, are not quite as interesting. It is often those small details, the fine-grained sand of life that is the most interesting. It is the chocolate on the face of a child eating an ice cream cone, not being at the bank signing the papers for your mortgage (although to each his or her own, I guess).

And that final water that fills in and bathes the rest might be thought of as more of a spiritual ingredient. Because no matter how much we fill our lives with "stuff", and no matter how much more we try to cram in, we often aren�t filling the real spaces that need to be filled.

And what if one put dye in the water? What would that mean?

Oooh I like that, Brad. I think you captured what I had in the back of my mind about it, too. Hmmm dye in the water...I'll have to think on that, but if it is a spiritual ingredient, it could be that the dye represents the different spiritual belief systems. Or it could even be the different stages of our spiritual growth, if the dye could be changed periodically, that is.

I tend to see the most interesting things in life as you described. The reality is that something as simple as a smile can make a difference in a person's day, and isn't that one of the "big" importances?

The other thing is that I think paying attention to the small things is what enables us to actually be of use or benefit to the golf balls. I mean...without the small things, there's just emptiness and that helps noone.

Blessings,
Terri

� but if it is a spiritual ingredient, it could be that the dye represents the different spiritual belief systems. Or it could even be the different stages of our spiritual growth, if the dye could be changed periodically, that is.

I like that idea. And sometimes that water can become somewhat acidic. It can be cloudy or clear depending on what we put into it or the nature of our character. And we can also change the water, as you said.

And what does the mayonnaise jar represent? The jar itself is transparent so that its contents can be plainly seen. Is this good or bad? Should we be afraid or thankful? And what about that screw top? What does this suggest as opposed to a pop top like a Pringles can? And why a mayonnaise jar? Why not a ketchup bottle?

[Slapppp!!!]

Thanks, I needed that.

lol...the mayonnaise jar...hmmm..not sure what that represents, but I can tell you that I'm not a big fan of transparency. Some things aren't meant to be seen

The screw top vs. the pop top....screw tops are more secure, therefore, the "inner" being would be less likely to explode out and run all over the place, losing all it's quality as well as quantity.

Ketchup bottle?...nah...too much hip there, which might imply that your brains are in your backside...ahahaha..ahem..couldn't resist

*oh man...do I see a slappp coming my way*

Do your children speak English?
by Mona Charen

quote:

The children are bilingual, of course. They speak their own language, in addition to more or less standard English. When exhorted to eat his broccoli before devouring a pizza, David shakes his head with pity and says, "Don't talk crazy, Dad." On another occasion, he responded to my maternal wisdom with, "Stop putting things into perspective."

As for Ben, as he himself readily acknowledges, the hardest thing in the world is to stop talking. For Ben, it is the unnarrated life that is not worth living.

quote:

When we visited New York over Christmas break, Ben and I surveyed Manhattan from atop the Empire State Building. "Where is the useless building?" he demanded. "What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled. "You know, the United Nations." And I fear that David may have alienated his social studies teacher by arguing that Chief Tecumseh certainly defied the stereotype of the peaceful American Indian unconcerned with land ownership.

quote:

Originally posted by Brad Nelson:
[qb] Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in Moslem Areas[/qb]

No no no...

Well, go ahead a post some jokes poking fun of Christians. See what happens. Likely no one will get their nose to out of joint. But would I feel safe telling jokes that poked fun at Islam if I lived, say, in Saudi Arabia, Egypt or many other Middle Eastern countries? The truth is I would not and that is because of the intimidation factor of Islam. Even now you give me this angry little red emoticon. Does Islam have a sense of humor about itself? Apparently not. In the back of my mind I actually fear for my life when I poke fun at Islam or make a critical comment because I think perhaps some Jihadist nut who also has no sense of humor, and who seemingly has been taught that it�s �Islam Uber Alles�, might get violent. If I were a Muslim, hat�s the kind of attitudes I would clean up so that such jokes like the one I posted don�t have such a huge ring of truth to them. But, of course, it�s easier to try to beat back criticism than to maybe fix some things that are broken.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him vey frail, and with his unusual diet, he suffered bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Hare Krishna who forewent Novocaine in an attempt to trancend dental medication?

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run."

The next batter hits a single. The Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "RUN, RUN"!!

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk." The batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!"

The people around him began laughing. embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed,

"Walk with pride, lad. Walk with Pride".

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

LMAO! Classic.

Found this on a Theology website!

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"

Paul

LOL. Good joke. I know somebody in particular who would appreciate that.

During a recent press conference President Bush was asked:

"Mr. President, how do you feel about Roe vs. Wade?

He replied:


"It doesn't really matter to me how they get of New Orleans."

That's a good one.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

There was a ship that ran aground; it was filled with red paint. The crew was marooned!

What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?"

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."


"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"How many is a brazillion?"

Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says: "I don't like my mother-in-law." The other replies: "Just eat the vegetables."

Old Chinese Proverbs:

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.