I'm awake tonight because of the Blessed Mother who is around my room. I feel compelled to open a thread that allows people to share any beautiful experiences with the Blessed Mother. I feel obligated to confess to you the way that she touched my life and knit a coherent continuity in my life--an azure thread--from the age of 19 to the age of 30. At first, she made me feel special in her presence, in her light and in her benevolence. Now I feel like the worst person in her presence, full of sin and I am compelled to confess to her my sins. She is my confessor and she comes to me at times of great need often when I don�t expect her or wish for her. As you know, I am not a Christian although I attended at Catholic school and received communion by an accident (I was not baptized) while I was in the choir. My inner journey with the Blessed Mother began when I was 16. I would talk to my friends and tell them that I wanted to be a Christian. I began to feel utterly sinful in my life and wanted to reform my life. It was during this period that I was ravaged by demonic forces and voices in my head which were malign and hateful. Perhaps they arose out of my own psyche. Within this whirlwind of voices, I often experienced a light and a voice which said �we love you.� Later I thought that these moments of repose, of gentleness were my first touch of what I now know as the Blessed Mother, Mary. I want to open this account, this confession by saying that I am in no means a good person; I am a contradictory person, filled with sin and it is and has been through her kind regard to my soul that I have gained anything whatever in my life. All the filth of my being belongs to me and any discrepancies and mistakes in this story are mine. Anything right and truthful comes from her. I also advise the reader that I am not writing this to feel special in any wayBut I will give you the most honest account I can of these moments. Now it is these moments, when they are lived in her presence that bind the narrative of my life on her thread of Grace. Tonight when I went outside and considered this account, she was above the head and at that moment all the �moments� were threaded, and she was the only coherence I could find in this fragmented life. I first really heard of her when I walked into a clothing store. In this store I met a Portuguese woman who tried to sell me socks. When I left her store I noticed a picture of Our Lady of Fatima in a gold gilded frame and I was struck by her face in that picture and her piecing look has never, nor will ever leave me. In that picture, I saw and felt the guiding force of my life. This devout Catholic woman recognized me as a child of Mary that day and said that she had seen a dove above my head. She told me many stories of her visions of Mary and whenever I came to her store we sat together in moments of silence and communed with the Blessed Mother who not only guarded that store, but whose presence was potent at the moment one stepped into the store. Every day on my breaks I would cycle to her store and she would make me sandwiches. She gave food to people on the street and gave clothes to any one who needed them. Whenever I left her store, I would usually she would stuff socks or shirts under my arm. She believed in my prayers and asked me to pray for her and whenever I had a dream of the Blessed Mother she wanted to hear every detail of it. She told me that Mary was guiding me and always we would share in this gracious presence. For six nights in a row (and tears come to my eyes when I recall this), the Blessed Mother came into my dreams with and was saying the rosary. Often I would awake in the middle of the night and she would be standing beside me for a moment. These moments were so sacred that I feared sharing them with anyone. I began a regiment of running later that year and Blessed Mary would appear above my head, praying. I cannot describe how I feel or know it is her. Confounded by all these experiences, I went to see a seer. When I walked in the room she said I had been a Christian martyr in another life. I cried as though in recognition and felt that somehow, in some part of my body this was true. This presence of Mary became more frequent for a year or so and was giving me guidance to help a man on the street who had lost his mother and had gone insane. Through Mary�s presence, I saw that this man was indeed blessed and guided by her and I sat with him in the mental institution and visited him because we would both feel Blessed Mother and he would feel the presence of his own deceased mother. None of this was �me.� By myself, I do not have this capacity to care. Below I share some journal entries from 1999: �My prayers continue in sleep and I dream of praying for others. A beautiful lady who wears a veil of light on her head taught me this prayer in a dream. Yesterday I sinned and could not get the imprint out of my mind so I did not try. I just let the image sink into a space in the being. At night I had a dream of the Holy Family: Mother Mary holding the infant Jesus and Joseph by his side. I awoke and felt the greatness of God�s mercy.� Dreams like this sometimes went on for days that year and I can attest that they made me contrite and a better person. What does it mean to feel Her Presence and to know she is in ones room? There is a difference. When I feel her presence, she descends into the body from above. I feel her holiness. That is the only word I can use for her. I am small and she is holy. When she is in my room, the whole room fills with her presence, not just the body. She is aware of me and of my surroundings. I�ll share one more experience. I went to see the Notre Dame cathedral in Montreal and that night I saw Mary at the foot of my bed in white light. This was the most blissful experience of my life. Always she has told me: �honor me.� At first I thought she wanted me to become a Christian. I used to sit in Mass and not take communion and one day I asked her if I could get married. Later she came to me in a dream, in light, and brought a woman to me. Then, as if to convince me, Christ came the next night in the same dream. I�ve had dreams of Christian saints all my life: Padre Pio. Once, he showed me a coffin and a man was in the coffin and the Blessed Mary exuded from his dead body. Padre Pio showed me this. As I said, I don�t understand these. All I know is that Mary loves me as Moslem. There is nothing new agey about this. When I feel her, I know it is her now because she is holy and she makes me contrite. I was sorting through some of my journals, but I couldn't find the account I wanted to end on. So I'll try to recall the events with as much precision as possible. I was praying to see God when I was 18. And I kept on seeing a golden cross in the forehead. This did not give me assurance so I came out of the experience with doubt. That night I had a dream, I saw a mailman and he looked at me with recognition: we both were familar with eachother. At any rate, he gave me a piece of mail and I opened the letter and all I recall was at the bottom it said "love Jesus Christ." (From some place in India that started with a "B." There was a voice which said things in the dream and related things about myself. I woke up in bliss. I believed that the cross was guidance. The next night I was in a dream meditating in a hut and the force arose from the base of my spine to the top of my head. When I awoke, I was dislocated from my body and heard an intense humming sound all around me. I do not do justice to the experience, but I connected it with Christ and the letter to my soul.
Thank you, Asher. Those are beautiful experiences you relate, attesting to the love and concern Our Lady has for all people, regardless of their religious affiliation.
That last experience you shared sounds very much like a kundalini rising. It sounds like you connected this with Christ somehow more than Mary.
The kundalini-Mary connection interests me for, as you know, kundalini is often regarded as a feminine energy and even a manifestation of the goddess in Hinduism. It doesn't sound like you've made that connection with your experiences of Mary, and neither have I.
- - -
Totally different question: how do these experiences of Mary and even Christ influence your thinking about Christianity? It would seem that they would indicate some kind of affirmation of the Christian message.
To be honest, I have never felt the Hindu Goddess energy in the deeper body. When Mary says "honor me" I still do not know what it means, but the most I can gather from it is this: Mary is in a constant state of prayer for the world and for the well being of our individual souls. First, I honor her when I remember her. This elicits a response from her and often a decent of her presence from above. She moves in that place where I am weakest and in resting in her, I do not rest in silence, but rest in the wordless prayer of hers which is going on at all times. Her presence is prayer and I distinguish this prayer from meditation. To rest in her presence is to rest in her wordless prayer so that the human heart elicits the same prayer for the world, for the well being of my soul, for others. The outer mind will also fuse into this current and praise her. So I distinguish this from the movement of energy through the chakras (even insomuch as we think of the chakras as existing in the front and in the spine etc). I have little experience/knowledge of the chakras insomuch as they are wheels of light with a whole host of experiences which accompany their piercing/opening. If I am knotted in the weakest place, Mary appears there with this wordless prayer and I am coaxed to surrender--not to my own pain--but to the pain that she feels for the world. I am thus taken out of my own preoccupation with self (and its knots) and moved to pray for others by fusing mind and body into this current of her presence. I usually awaken with the current smoothed and I go onto sin again (and thus am knotted indefinitely)! I distinguish this prayer from meditation and the movement of energy through the chakras (I have never aligned this to Hindu Goddess energy, nor have I felt "shaktipat,") nor do I have any experience of chakras as "wheels" etc. as described in different Hindu texts. To summarize: whenever there is a knot, Mary will often appear there in her constant state of prayer, in her wordless current and move me to pray--not for my own healing--but for others. After this, I usually feel better. But recently, she makes me cry for my sins and then she decends with more force. This force is always felt as "holiness" and rarely is there much phenomena (besides an inner seeing of her, at times, or light etc) associated with it. I have taken it now to be a fact of my life and no longer question it.
Some additional points that need to be thought over (to begin to touch on the second question:
1) I shouldn't have said "I sin again and am thus knotted indefinitely." What I mean is that the nature of the knotted human is to fall from being in relationship with Mary and Jesus Christ. Thus, the human condition (the knotted condition) is always in the fallen state. So that may answer part of your second question.
2) I see the decent of the Spirit as integratally connected to Mary. I don't know much about the Kundalini as it relates to the spine, except for 2-3 risings that I had in my life. One of the risings was stuck in the hara and it was at that point that the Blessed Mother appeared praying. At the same time images of lewd women (no doubt: my own sexual distortions) arose and disappeared. Then there was intense bliss in the hara. Also, I usually only experience 3 centres: the forehead/crown, the heart/naval and the hara/sexual centre. So in answer to your second question: I will say that these experiences affirm/attest to the fact (in my personal experience) Mary is integrally connected to the Spirit as it descends into the body from above the head.
3) Rarely do I experience Kriyas (except in mild forms). Even when in the instances of the risings, there were no electrical jolts etc. There was pain in the hara and then the light simply arose to the top of the head and beyond so there was a different spatial perception, bliss, light and the intense humming or whirring sound.
4) I can't answer the second question fully, to be honest. I don't know.
Not the first time I have envied you, Asher.
I have my differences with the RCC on this issue, but I'm not breaking fellowship over what I consider
to be a non-essential doctrine. Live and let live!
Honest to God I feel embarrassed posting my experiences with Mary because I tend to think that they have nothing to do with "me", insomuch as I am not deserving. When I was younger, I felt special by these. Now, these experiences show me how far I am from God. I am compelled to confess to the world and in doing so, I do not feel affirmation for myself, as I once did, but the distance of myself from God and the reality of Mary and Christ acting in a Moslem life. I hope this doesn't sound self depreciating. I'm trying to relay an unsentimental account and be precise to the ongoing experience of her.
I expect that to have the experience is to be ready for it. I keep waiting for my female archetype, Theresa of Avila to show up, since she seems to be hanging out with me at times. There are other realms
and some are more sensitive to them than others.
I have a freind who hears a voice on occasion. Tenzin Palmo has this experience as well.
Does this help at all to interperet the experience?
That's all very interesting and very helpful sharing, Asher! Thank you for your clarifications. All I can say is that you are very lucky and blessed indeed to have had these reassuring experiences. 55 years as a Roman Catholic, here, and I've never known anything like this. There's always a kind of gentle, peaceful sense of presence when I pray to Mary, so that's something. And there's also my belief in her role in salvation history, including the Assumption, which affirms the reality of her resurrection and, hence, her extraordinary ability to manifest herself in so many ways and to intercede for the race.
Well, try this test. This test suggests that I'm Schizotypal. My brother whose a psychiatrist (and who read through my journals) suggests this is the reason. He's also an atheist. But tell me people, what type are you according to psychiatry.
Thanks for allowing me to share, Phil!
I will say that these experiences affirm/attest to the fact (in my personal experience) Mary is integrally connected to the Spirit as it descends into the body from above the head.
Asher, very interesting experience. It seems as Phil mentioned your experience is related to kundalini and Mary as the same time you said in the above quote Mary descended from above the head. In my experience as I mentioned in my earier posts Maria is intimately connected with kundalini, especially with the lowest chakras. It is not my experience Mary as spirit descended from above. In my experience Holy Spirit descended from above and enter at heart while the energy of Christ is united with the energy of Mary at crown chakra.
Re: similarminds.com: Those are some interesting tests, Asher. According to the Personality Disorder Test I�m a "Dependent Schizotypal Avoidant." And strangely, I score lower than average on Antisocial and Narcissistic. I would not have expected that.
Dependent, yet avoidant . . . . that translates into a lot of Monday night football.
Sorry, Asher, I couldn't resist Brad's post. Your descriptions of Mary are beatutiful and inspiring - heart-wrenching, actually. I've begun to sense her presence in the past year or so, but more indirectly as Phil describes. Whatever we need, whomever we need among the communion of saints, God will give us if we just let ourselves be the children of Him that we are. I can also relate to the increased sense of sinfulness you describe, yet how immediate grace is when we just accept our fallenness. There isn't the shame in this that existed years before, but just a sadness that I'm not letting myself be available to God as I could. But even that availability is mostly through His grace.
I'm having a good bit of resistance scheduling prayer twice a day, besides spontaneous moments. It helps when I have a prayer partner.
Most mystics seem to be Enneagram type 5, the Sage or the Observer. The pathological extreme relates
to schizoid types. That's perfect for America, which has been described as a schizophrenic nation.
I had a schizophrenic sister, and know many schizo-
affective diagnosed persons. They might be more sane than some other people I know.
I am familiar with the mystical phenomenon known as Beatlemania, so I offer Paul McCartney's strong Marian vibrations:
The pl page Asher pointed us to didn't load for me; likely, that's the page with the test results.
- Which test did you take, Asher?
While visiting similarminds.com, I took that "Are You Normal?" test on the top right (probably the same one brad took). I scored 51 out of 100 (an F, I guess ). But here's the email summary:
"Wonderful Eccentric?" Could be worse, I guess!
RE "Honor Me"
May seem like a stupid thing to say but..
Have you tried thanking her for helping and caring for you and for the love and light that she has bought into your experience.
I was given this advice recently and when I followed it obtained remarkable and quite transforming results.
If any of you were normal, I wouldn't hang out with you. I seldom join any club that readily accepts me as a member. I've taken every psyche test known to man and have forever given up on psychological norms
"Normal" is a setting on the dryer.
Would you hire any of the twelve apostles, or Jesus for that matter, based on their credentials and qualifications? Would any sensible modern businessman?
Your post is very affecting, very beautiful. Your openess and honesty is quite touching, very refreshing.
I was brought up in a very male centred branch of Christianity, but as a child, I was always very affected by the tenderness and gentleness of Christ, and somehow I always associated Jesus with my mother. The heavenly Father I cast in the image of my own father, while the Holy Spirit had a strong connection with my own soul for some reason.
I have no connection with Mary at all really (Protestant, don't you know), but over the past year or so have had a deep sense of the feminine aspects of God encompassing me in the outside world. It's really a kind of external perception, an awareness of God out there, manifesting the feminine aspect through nature, yet somehow distinct from the creation. As I say, a sense of being encompassd, surrounded by God, tenderly, gently. Perhaps there is no need to put a gender on this, but I feel it as different from my sense of God as Father. I also don't know if it relates in any way to the Trinity, it's more of a general feeling, but the sense of being encompassed is one shared with the presence of the Holy Spirit. I know the Spirit is generally seen to fall from above, but the indwelling, for me, gives a real sense of flow, in and around the body.
Then there is a sense of consciousness above my head, a light sometimes, which if given any attention can stir, at times, a real sense of delight, at other times, seems to create channels to other consciousness, some not so pleasant. It kind of stirs psychic connectedness, so I tend to see this as a seat of universal consciousness, very different from my sense of God, and have tried to just let it be of late, without stirring it up or coaxing it on. Generally, I sense it now being touched by the presence of God - a real sense of healing, closing down, rest.
All of this is quite different from the Kundalini which rises occasionally, for good or for ill, and which, for me tends to centre around the hara area, similar to your own description, before sending up blasts of white light into my eyes. Altogether, a much denser sensation.
Thanks for your post Asher. It gave me a great sense of wonder and a real sense of the beauty of your own soul, as well as stimulating the above reflections.
Someone better throw a net over this fellow. He seems dangerous!
If any of you were normal, I wouldn't hang out with you.
Now that I think about it...Agreed.
Mary exists and dwells, no doubt, very, very high up
on the elevator, somewhere in the transpersonal realms, or beyond. Would it not stand to reason that at some time in the future there will be a yellow and turquoise and transpersonal meme theology and understanding of Mariology and other mysteries?
The bickering, which clearly runs contrary to injunctions against this sort of thing in the scriptures, indicates to me that much of same
is coming from fear and from the flesh more than from spirit.
"We see, as through a glass darkly, but then face to face. "
With the utmost love and respect, mm <*)))))><
Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread.
Phil, strangely enough I can't find the test now:-). I searched "similarminds" to no avail and the link is dead on my computer as well. It was a test that determined whether one was borderline, paranoid, schizoid, and a few others. It's virtually impossible not to be at least one of these unless you're a robot:-)
Stephen--thank you for your lovely post.
MM--I don't think that I've heard your story, I'm all ears:-)
pj--yes, that's the point of the post. Would you be kind enough to share your experience?
I'll be kicking around here in the about a week...I have to help make arrangements for my brothers marriage.
I have no story worth anything, I am an addict and a codependent. I have already been to hell and refuse to go back there for the time being. I am seeking like everyone else in here and blindly stumbling around in the dark, but it seems to me that Paul McCartney sees Mary in a better light than many theologians. Anyway, she's a big girl and can
advocate for herself. She will continue to appear to people and religion will defend it's memetic boundaries.
She is like a playground supervisor doing the best she can for Earth school children.
� but it seems to me that Paul McCartney sees Mary in a better light than many theologians.
For some reason this song popped into my head this morning and it won�t go away. And I�m pretty sure I didn�t see your earlier reference to it, MM.
I have no story worth anything, I am an addict and a codependent.
Hmmm. I�m trying to think of all the useful stories I�ve gotten from healthy people.
I�m still thinkin�.
Still thinkin� some more.
I�m sure it will come to me soon.
Re. "Let it Be" by McCartney
- from a wikipedia article whose link won't post right.
I always kind of liked this version which was popular around the St. Romain home during the years our kids were small.
Although the song's lyrics are misinterpreted by some as being a hymn to the Virgin Mary due to the lyrics, the song was written as a tribute by McCartney after he had a dream about his mother, Mary, who died when he was fourteen.John Lennon was allegedly critical of the song upon McCartney's introduction, assuming that the "Mother Mary" mention was merely a self-righteous allusion to Christianity.)
As a sometimes poet I can attest to the fact that when putting words together it is never as simple as "I meant my own mother, Mary." The words become not only more than the sum of their parts after assembled, the assembly process itself is infused with something that is far from just the literal.
I contend that Paul, at least unconsciously, inflated and infused his otherwise ordinary and literal words with something more. And I should hope so, for that is a poet�s highest aim. And he is a darn good poet.
And I like that second version very much, Phil.
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