Sorry for long post. Back in January I was delivered from bipolar disorder after calling out to God for the first time. I woke up in the night in a delirium, collapsed and ended up in hospital free of this disorder. The next 5 months were bliss. Living with the spirit etc. Then in may I got baptized and everything changed...
Not from baptism but... I was reading a YouTube comment in my moms basement (she had a large gold shiva statue there) that was akin to what the Pharisees used to say about Jesus. I let fear into my heart for a second about this and was immediately overtaken with deep dread and suicidal depression. I believe a demon came upon me.
The following months were straight out of a horror movie. Demons manifesting everywhere. Growling, being attacked in dreams, seeing things in the clouds. God was heavily warning me of danger. Also every time I would try and pray for forgiveness or read bible I would be attacked by demons. Things got so bad I ended up in a mental hospital where they locked me up for two months and forced antipsychotic injections on me (which I'm being forced even today) while in hospital demons were manifesting everywhere, on walls etc.
Then one night I saw a glowing being in the sky that told me to run away so I did. I was led by the Spirit to walk all night long. It's like a rope was attached around my waist pulling me forward. I was prompted to speak the Word and as I did demons were physically flying out of my body. Seriously.
All the while God was showing me prophetic images in the clouds telling me to hurry up essentially. Morning came and I hadn't gotten rid of the last demon. I was being shown things that were telling me I was about to be killed basically. Hard to explain. But God saved me. He sent the police in and they took me back to hospital. Demon manifestations got bad in hospital for awhile. I was almost physically thrown from my bed once. Also a demon came to me in the night when I was drugged up and sleepless and I think tried to make some sort of deal or contract possibly. Not sure.
I was eventually released from hospital and the demon stuff got a little better as I learned about deliverance, authority etc. However I haven't been able to feel the Holy Spirit at all since all this started. I felt Him twice for short periods of time since this started. But the demons would attack and He would seemingly disappear again.
My entire life has been destroyed because of this. It's so painful to not feel God anymore. All I can do is pace back and forth in a room. I've tried everything. I just want to feel the Holy Spirit again to feel comfort and assurance and love. It's like there is no love in my heart anymore. This is terrifying. So much more happened but I tried to keep this short with the essentials. This has been since may so 5 months of torture. Please help. Thanks
Welcome to the forum, Jimmy. It sounds like you've had a really rough time of it, and I'm sorry to hear that.
It's difficult from what you share to sort out how much of your experience is caused by demons, medication, mental illness, or something else. But it's wonderful that you can still get in touch with your longing for God, and I hope you will exercise that longing in prayer as best you can. Pray and read Scripture often, and don't be too concerned about whether you feel God's presence or not. God is loving you whether you feel it or not.
Thanks for response Phil. I appreciate it. I guess I'm just worried that I've done something very bad and God has pulled Himself from me forever. Which I know isn't true, It's just terrifying to know God's love so well then have it ripped away from you in an instant. I just don't know anyone else in the faith for the most part and thought I'd check if anyone on here has had a similar experience. Sin to demons to not feeling God that is.
It is impossible to live without God once you've known God. The only similar stories I've heard were on this forum under "lost then regained Holy Spirit" thread. The people on there described the torment with scary accuracy. It's just nice to know you're not alone in your experience. Cuz people just keep telling me I'm either crazy (non-believers) or that God never leaves us and that I'm wrong (believers). But this is just what I'm feeling, no other way about it. The people on that thread said similar things. That both believers and non believers did not believe them. Thank you again.
Jimmy, I understand your longing for a felt sense of God's presence. From what you've shared, there are a great many things that could account for the diminishment of a sense of emotional intimacy that you describe. If you have to choose between what you know with your reason and what you feel with your emotions, always go with reason, as it is our guide to the truth, while emotion is responsive to many kinds of stimuli. It sounds like you know the truth about God's love for you. Maybe you'll feel it again one day, maybe you won't. Some Saints and mystics went years without that sense of consolation, but they persevered in faith anyway. Once you orient your life according to what reason affirms as truth, some of your fears should drop away.
Jimmy, I'd advice the same as Phil, namely, patience and trust in God who sometimes allows us to suffer in order to purify us or to invite us to share in his Son's passion. But since you mentioned that you're suffering from the bipolar disorder, as a psychotherapist, I allow myself to suggest that a part of your spiritual growth may well be accepting the illness and surrendering to the proper treatment. I think that going to your psychiatrist on a regular basis and perhaps trying also some supportive psychotherapy (in order to be able to talk to someone about your problems, also on a regular basis) would be a very good spiritual practice, since God only rarely heals us through extraordinary means. He usually uses what is called "secondary causes", namely, other people in our life who are willing to help us. What would you say to that?
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