I deleted a long post I made earlier. It was just my mind over thinking.
I recently came back to God 1 1/2 months ago. Which for me means, bluntly, I stopped lusting with my eyes and watching porn. I'm direct.
Anyway. I have experienced a form of freedom and deliverance from these things in a manner I have never experienced before. My heart is expanding with love and when it happens it feels so great. It is the best feeling in the world. But how can I stay in this unconditional love all of the time? Is it possible?
A week or so ago I was communing with God while walking in the woods with my dog. I felt love for creation and I opened my heart to the trees and to nature. It felt wonderful. Then suddenly a young doe appeared behind me and walked up to me but stood back 5 ft or so. It was wagging it's tail and I felt the most powerful unconditional love for it. It looked like it wanted to play. It followed me for 20 minutes. It would not leave me alone. I did not try to get it to do anything or manipulate it. It was pure love. It would run up ahead of me and pounce out onto the trail as soon as I got close to it.
How can I stay in this love?
Several days after this. I lusted with my eyes for several minutes ignoring the conviction of the Holy Spirit...and I lost the level of this communion...although I have had several other experiences that were less intense.
How come whenever I experience something awesome and even mystical...its hard to stay in that calm place--where its not really a big deal. When I lose touch with the level of intimacy with God...I turn my focus from Him and relationship to the awesome encounters. I place my focus on the shiny stuff and love to "share" (which is probably just my pride boasting) its not the same thing. It's like excitement but also somehow pride when I share things with people.
I'm currently trying to figure out how to get back to this place and do "self deliverance" again. Since I came back to the Lord and spent time in corporate worship services with "the fire of God" anointing. I have absolutely no sexual desire in the sense...it's nearly impossible for me to become aroused (im blunt like I said).
Before I lusted with my eyes last week I had a STRONG connection with nature and a desire to be in it. I could feel it and a level of it's life force energy (do i sound crazy?) or vibrations if you will. I no longer am as sensitive since i was stupid and I lusted.
Any opinions or advice on these things?
btw I started a blog talking about my experiences at iamunhinderedThis message has been edited. Last edited by: unhindered,
Greetings, unhindered, and welcome to the forum.
I tried the tumblr link you shared but it comes up empty. Could you re-post if there's an error in your URL?
Yes, it's very wonderful to be carried along by graces of mystical love, union, and the like. Would that we could always live in such a condition, but, alas, it seems that most people experience what you do -- that these come and go, and that we are eased back into "ourselves" and our lives. But the contrast between the two is important, and the consolations are given as encouragements, to reassure us that God's grace is real and that there is a much better life than addictive self-stimulation.
The answer to your question of staying centered is spiritual practice -- regular, ongoing, no matter how you feel before and after. Take time each day for prayer, avoid sin, join a community, practice service, study, and when you fall, confess your sins, make amends, if needed, get up again and keep walking. In time, new habits of thought and behavior develop; peace and equanimity become sustained. But no one is perfect. As the old saying goes, even the greatest Saint falls 7 times a day -- not into serious sin, but lapses into selfish thoughts and even behavior.
Hope this helps. Welcome to the spiritual journey!
I fixed the url.
Thanks for this response. I just got in contact with a local spiritual retreat center and I'm looking forward to going to one of their contemplative prayer worshshops.I think it will be good for me
What you write in another thread about your psychological difficulties cast somewhat a different light on what you experience spiritually, but certainly Phil's advice is sound, simple and reliable. It's normal to desire contemplative or other positive spiritual states, but, in the end, they are God's free gifts to us and we can't do much to control them. Years of practice, of enduring faith, however, tend to bear fruit, in that we become less "pulled" by our emotions and fantasies. I'd say that in your case, psychotherapy would be a really good idea, and, in addition, some simple but disciplined, everyday prayer practice, which would give your spiritual and emotional life some structure. Good luck and may God bless you on the way!
I've found, since my journey started a year ago, that when my perspective on a situation is positive I create that reality for myself. Negative..same.
I don't know what to believe at this point. I have an odd ability to argue any point...I can rationalize, explain, and see things from any perspective. It usually comes down to what I (or any of us) want to believe.
Which makes this stuff I've written about very confusing--not having a black and white "yes" or "no" -- "good" or "bad" to check off. I'm finding my life and spirituality to be much more colorful.
I am open to all possibilities and this leads to an infinite number of perspectives and personal beliefs. Mixing all of the different worldviews and explanations causes me confusion.
All I know is I am hyper suggestible and able to see a level of truth in almost everything.
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