I'm not a parent, but as a former teacher and child therapist wonder over the distorting effects of too much adult-oriented curriculum in the church's teaching of children. Hopefully this isn't the case anymore, but my sense is that it probably is the tendency, as most adults are so awkward about the way children learn through exploration. And so my premise is that one can only teach children in so far as they feel authentically known by the teachers. However, such a relationship transforms the teaching into learning, where the teacher does most of the listening, and offers creative environments that support the child in connecting to the wonder of natural grace.

And so I'm thinking here of children before puberty, which still entails important developmental distinctions. A religious curriculum without a developmental foundation focused on attachment relationships and emotional maturity is going to flounder, at least from the child's pov.

Presenting God as mystery, as, so to speak, a personal object of wonder, engages the heart of the child, especially if rendered through play and artistic activities that affirm the way children understand life. I'm imagining here a kind of Rudolph Otto for kids, where mystery is sought in rich activity, and even moments of stillness, where children are already prone to sense the immanent presence of grace. Until an adult can play with children, really let go and engage that spontaneous enjoyment of life for its own sake, then it will be hard to tap this intelligence. So its Rudolph Otto meets Mr. Rogers.

Younger children don't have much to unlearn in order to experience the freshness and vitality of life embodying Presence. But for adults to engage this, there will probably be a sense of losing control, even when the class is structured around creative activities.

There is also the sense, among many adults most likely, that what is being taught isn't Christian creed. However, one must remember Jesus and how he was with children. He didn't connect with them based upon theology, but via His own presence which is the basis of theology. And so there must be trust among the adult teachers, similiar to trusting how existential longing leads to the Cross, that fostering creativity in children will make them more, not less, prone to friendship with Presence as the person of Christ.

And then, of course, there is working with parents, and giving them a chance for experiences that show them, viscerally, what it is like to connect with their children through play, artwork, etc . . . It isn't presumptious to assume that many parents are reluctant to do this.

Music, art, play, sand tray activities, sitting/walking in the church at the altar before Mass and asking children to talk about what they feel, wonder about (without perfunctory or closed-ended responses given) etc . . . These would uncover what it is in children that Jesus showed to be receptivity to Him.

I think you are hitting on a good subject. My son is 2 1/2 and I have been wondering how I will teach him.

Currently he watches his Bible video cartoons but it won't be much longer before he starts to ask questions about life.

I am not sure if I should inflict my views on him or let him gather his own feelings about God.

I'm leaning towards letting him self discover and have all of the available knowledge ready.

I want him to feel a closeness to God and not the fear of him I developed at a young age.

MM:

That link isn't working.


Eric:

Sounds like you are already trusting in yourself what he needs in order to have his wonder deepened, through connection with you. One of the best ways to cultivate this connection is to engage artistic activity for yourself. Maybe have some sessions with an art therapist, which has many benefits, not the least being an increased ability to speak the language of a 2-3 year old.

I'd also recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. This book is quite practical, and shows how conflict can be resolved through empathy and limit setting without shaming the child or losing one's authority as parent, but sharing power appropriately so that your son can gradually let go of his essential narcissism and discover the ability to soothe and contain his own inner life. The more you can sense his inner world and speak that language, and the more he can self-soothe, the better able you'll be in exploring rather than having to teach in the conventional sense.

I sense that music is a connection we share. He always wants to play my guitar. So I bought him a little one and he trys to play it all the time. I am not sure though if he is just imitating me.

How do you feel when he tries to draw you into playing with him? Most of us adults find playing with children a drain, even though we love them and want to give them that kind of attention. What I'm getting at is that the more we restore an ability to play/wonder/create in ourselves, then children will feel understood in the subtle reaches of their souls, which often feel unacknowledged even by committed parents.

The fact that you play music yourself could be a good opening to him. No harm in him imitating you, but I sense you want more for him than that. You seem to describe yourself as feeling connected to him, which a lot parents would just assume to be the case via biology. I'm guessing he feels that connection, or you probably wouldn't use that language and be pensive over the issue.

I feel he has a connection to music that I don't see in other children. Ever since he has heard a song on the radion or tv he dances and sings. My parents got him a keyboard/mic setup and he loves it. Plus everytime I play a song he tries to sing and dance to it. So I consider it a common connection. My wife has no interest in music.

Sad to say I work 12 hour shifts. So the last thing I want to do is come home and play. I wish I had more energy but I don't. I can see his hurt when I brush him off because I am tired. But anything short of amphetamines ain't gonna give me the energy he requires.

This focus on cultivation of wonder and empathy toward increased self-differentiation in children is crucial for the formation of conscience. If teachers want to pass on the message of Christ in a meaninful way, then the standard behavioral orientation to conscience is going to be inadequate. "Passing on the message" really only works when quickening conscience through empathy (i.e, without toxic shame, which many children already carry) while helping children develop ways, through play, music, and art, of safely containing that which is bigger than their own wills (including their anger, jealousies, fears, etc). This "larger-than-they-can know" is managed differently for children than it is for adults who intellectualize that prospect; hence, the need for metaphorical supports which even adults need. Whereas adults need relationships to grow, and to ground and authenticate their spiritual growth, children need attachment, in varying degrees throughout early development, just to feel safe in this bigness that is most everything and everyone around them.

We can see the importance of this stable intimacy in those of us who suffered from poor attachment relationships in our own childhoods, and how this often shows up as distortions in our adult spiritual formation:

It's harder to let go of longing for human love, and trust the "Night" where Divine love is hidden form the senses, when the person lacked a secure, nurturing attachment relationship in childhood. Those who have this foundation know the limits of human love via having experienced it when it was needed for certain periods of crucial growth, and so they know its limits without despair; whereas those who are compensating for developmental trauma and emptiness with addiction do not easily let go of limited human love (or receive it as it is), since its full, and imperfect, impact is being resisted, yet yearned for at the same time.

Mothers resonate a limited, yet vital, self-nourishing capacity within their infants, such that the natural grace of that aliveness is repeatedly drawn into the child's heart through imperfect empathetic attunements, potentiating a self-relishing that includes the mother first as object, then as another self, as "Thou" in relationship to "I." This "I" of the child arises from being seen by mother as "Thou," which is the potential for eventual self-differentiation.

Much of the religious message meant to encourage, if not moralize, is lost on children who lack resonance between head, heart and instinct. It should be the task of religious curriculum to observe when this is the case, and provide creative means of its partial restoration so that religious themes don't become part of the exiled subconscious material of the psyche in those who aren't managing well at home with poorly attuned moms and dads, let alone a God bigger than both.

"Sad to say I work 12 hour shifts. So the last thing I want to do is come home and play. I wish I had more energy but I don't. I can see his hurt when I brush him off because I am tired. But anything short of amphetamines ain't gonna give me the energy he requires."

Eric:

A couple of thoughts:

First, it sounds like your son is being seen by you to some important extent, at least that comes across as you describe him in that post. The good news from attachment research is that children don't need constant attunement, and repairing the hurts and misunderstandings through empathy is always possible, given how resilient most kids are. But having said that, I'd still recommend the book mentioned earlier, as how you communicate can somewhat compensate for the lack of time.

I'd also suggest considering putting him in play therapy, which would probably be short-term and occasional, as a sort of extended family resource. I know this is usually thought of as intervention for kids and families in crisis, but it can have a powerful preventive effect. In fact, parents can learn how to do a modified version of play therapy with their own children, which is called "Filial Therapy." This would allow you and your wife to set aside a limited, tolerable time frame to give your son that attunement, which he won't need all the time if he's getting it some of the time on occasion. Having him work with a play therapist will also make it easier for you and your wife to see your own contributions and not feel so guilty when you don't live up to certain ideals, or extended time-frames, which may not always be necessary.

Eric:

Here are a few resources in your area:

http://ruscombe.org/pschmidt/

http://www.familyed.org/registration.cfm

That's great suggestions and great links.

He is climbing out of his crib now at night. I have to lock him in his room from the outside because he will go downstairs and try to go outside when we are sleeping. Terrible Two's???

It's never a dull moment with him I tell you what. But there are so many great things. Because I know one day when he is all grown up that I will miss the days he crawls out of his crib.

He acts completely different when I come home. My wife says he is really quiet all day and plays easy. But he bounces off of the walls when I come home. I am sure that is because I play rough with him. I have a hard time disciplining him since I hardly see him.

We have thought about a play group. But we are in a small town now and the area's resources are very limited.

My God this kid is smart too. I know a lot of parents brag but he puts adult sentences together and always asks intelligent questions. He has been talking since way before 1 years old. He really does amaze me with how intelligent he is. He doesn't act or look his age. He passes for four all the time.

I want him to feel a closeness to God and not the fear of him I developed at a young age.

When I was a kid, Eric, church confused the heck out of me. For something that was supposed to be good for me, why was everything so serious and boring? It's was more like a trip to the doctor's than connecting with what we think of as adults as Pure Love. I would tend to go very light and easy on kids in regards to something like religion.

Sad to say I work 12 hour shifts. So the last thing I want to do is come home and play. I wish I had more energy but I don't. I can see his hurt when I brush him off because I am tired. But anything short of amphetamines ain't gonna give me the energy he requires.

I think this is one case where it really is all about quality of time, not quantity. The wonderful thing about kids is that they are like spring-loaded joy machines, as you well know. You don't have to be the perfect dad. Just receive and acknowledge the child's love. That's all they need from a very tired dad, I think. That can be done in twelve seconds. And as I've found with my nephew, I can just be honest and tell him I'm too busy or tired to play, give him a hug, and nine times out of ten he's content to return to doing whatever he was doing. They just need that reassurance that they're okay, dad loves them, and their little world is still safe. You don't have to be the perfect play pal so no need to feel guilty about that. Kids may understand being tired probably as well as adults, if not better. Make a game out if it sometime. Take a nap with him on the floor. Have him cover you with a blanket. No reason you can't kill two birds with one stone!

He acts completely different when I come home. My wife says he is really quiet all day and plays easy. But he bounces off of the walls when I come home. I am sure that is because I play rough with him. I have a hard time disciplining him since I hardly see him.

May every child, boy or girl, have both a mother and a father if possible. I think this is why. That's such a cute visual you paint of that precious kid, Eric.

"Just receive and acknowledge the child's love."


Yes. And Eric, you seem to be doing that, in the way you marvel about your son. As Brad is saying, parents usually load up on all they should be doing for their kids, although small moments are potent and restorative. I've noticed this with my friends children - six and four years old - Enjoying their love confirms them deeply; it shows them they have a cherished place in my mind and heart, and that they have an impact on me. I also sometimes tell them something like . . . "You know, I was thinking about you yesterday . . . I was wondering . . . . what is (name) doing right now?" So perhaps how you're holding him in your mind and heart is to a great extent creating the relationship.

Along the lines of Brad's comments, I've seen parents have success in just setting aside 15-20 minutes per week of exclusive time for their child. Generally, it occurs on the same day of the week, and in a particular place, or corner of the room, each time. It is to go no longer than the set time, and the child is told when he/she has 5 minutes left, then 2 minutes, one minute, etc . . . "our special play time is up for the week."

During this play time, the parent just enjoys the child, without correcting or improving or improvising. The book I referred to earlier, "How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and Listen So Kids will Talk," is good for supporting a certain way of communicating and setting limits on behavior without shaming the person of the child.

The child can bring whatever toys he wants into the corner of the room. If the child doesn't want to play in that special place, the parent remains, saying something like "I'm going to stay here in this place for our 15 minutes this week. You can choose to play over there by yourself, and I'll watch from here, or you can join me over here for play together. In 15 minutes, our special time for the week will be over, and I'm going to get up and do what I need to do to help mom, etc . . . "

Most children will test you, so the trick is to be firm with the time-frame, but gentle with whatever emotions arise in the child, such as anger, sadness, etc . . . This is where that book can come in handy, supporting a language that keeps the parent from being manipulated (not feeling it!), without having to get heavy-handed and drawn into a power struggle.

"I know you're sad our time for this week is over. Even though I said there was only 15 minutes, and then 5, and then 2, and then it was over, you were probably still wondering if you could get more time. So now you feel sad/angry, etc . . . and I know how that feels, to have to stop something you really enjoy. But I'll be back here next week, and you can make the decision you want then."

There could be some grieving at this point, and that can take some time in the beginning until the child starts trusting the process. At first, depending on the age of the child, it can feel like this special time will never happen again. But if they bring it during the week, you can remind them the next one is coming.

Of course, this doesn't rule out other play, but it doesn't quite have the special quality of attention. Children really know the difference, and like Brad says, it's quality, not so much quantity, that matters.

I've seen parents feel much better about their involvement with their children with just this slight change. But again, the real power is just in enjoying your child, which can occur in just seconds, like little doses that cherish the soul. My play therapy trainers spoke of it as the child feeling "seen, heard, and understood." Notice it doesn't mean you agree with the child, but just that he is taken seriously as a person.

During this play time, the parent just enjoys the child, without correcting or improving or improvising.

That sounds pretty good, WC. And it's something adults could probably do as well. In fact, I think if a married couple, even one with a strong communicative relationship, set aside 30 minutes a week to do something like that, they might actually be surprised at just how much positive reinforcement can be achieved. And how good it feels. And then 30 turns into 60. And pretty soon he's bringing home flowers every once in a while and she's baking cookies. (LOL. I don't know why "baking cookies" was the first thing that entered my mind. I�m such a hopeless and old-fashioned romantic.)

Yes . . . well . . . and then there's that meddlesome issue of fear of intimacy, and all of a sudden she's as huge as the kitchen and he returns smelling of another woman.

I should rename the thread: "Do as I say, not as I do."

BTW, FYI, I've never married, and wear a non-scent deoderant.

I should rename the thread

Actually, you perhaps should, but for a different reason. I have been tremendously spiritually formed by children. And for me (not none of you, of course) to sit here sanctimoniously thinking that I have one iota of wisdom to impart to a child. That's truly funny, and in no sense do I mean that in a self-deprecating way. It is simply and merely the truth. I just realized that now.